Hi Debi & Betsey! Thanks for coming over! It really means a lot to me!
Today I am doing well, but I am on day 3 of PMS headache/migraine. Ouch...it went away when I was climbing though & out w/h last night. Which brings me to:
Last night I came home from work. H & I went to his 'rents to pick up the snow blower (we got 6 inches!), he did the drive and shoveled from the drive to the dog pen!! +++ On the phone earlier he asked what I wanted to do. I said that I would like to go out-dinner and playing pool? I said it was his turn to pick where to go for din. and he said OK! +++ We get ready, he shaves and trims his beard, puts on cologne, nice shoes, and silk boxers! woo hoo! +++ Go to din, have a really good time. His back still bothering him-he says he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't want to do anything w/me (ie play pool), so we go home, eat ice cream, go to bed and snuggle.
This morn. he apologizes for passing out on me! Wow, another +++!!! Ok, if I cannot see that this man is putting effort into this, then I am BLIND!!! Where's my cane or my seeing eye dog???
We em each other a couple times today. The club was calling the big wall that i climbed like Mt. Karen and the leader wrote an email about how I was the only one to be able to make it and how bad the men felt b/c a woman made it?? My boss's boss's boss also called me into his office to compliment me and tell me some great things that my boss and boss's boss have been saying about me. (CMU!) I told h and he replied congratulating me and saying he's glad I found people to climb with. What a generous, loving man-being happy for me even though he can't climb!!
As far as I know, we are spending all week together. Going to a concert on sat. I'm very excited.
Now, to keep it together... 1. Realize that I am trying to make crazy when there are lulls in our r (quiet time...) 2. Do somethings for myself-take a time out if nec. doing one of the aforementioned items. 3. Focus on having "6" nights as trying to have "10" nights stresses me out. 4. Be decisive, take charge of myself and my own emo's, stop looking for him to do it FOR me. 5. Get rid of headache. 6. Start cooking more healthy stuff CHOPPIN' BROCCOLI! 7. Pray fervently
Hi All, Last night was good too except h went to chiropractor and is in more pain. I cooked din, we watched a movie, snuggled.
He just emailed me asking if we are going hiking. ++
I'm feeling pretty good, except some anxious thoughts are popping into my head. I'm trying to STOP and think about something else. I'm also trying to continue to give h what he wants and needs and be considerate of him and not pushy. So, this is fine, until a few days go by. I must expect the wanting to crazy-make and have a plan as to what to do before I do that.
I wish I had more faith. I just don't always believe that things will get better when evidence has shown that it does and the only thing that differs b/t bad & good is my attitude and perception of things. Surely, when I look for good, I see good and when I look for bad, I see bad. Must focus!
H was very affectionate last night and snuggly. A lot of times when I cook he comes up behind and hugs me and puts his head on my shoulder. I love that!!! +++ So, guess I gotta keep cookin'!
I also get freaked out when I start thinking about how much I love him and really open up my heart to him. I am so afraid to "give up control." That if I let my guard down, I will be bamboozled.
Now's the time to put your trigger goals into action. Don't let yourself spiral so you have to pick yourself up--get busy NOW!
In order to have someone be completely intimate with you, Karen, you have to be intimate with them. That means showing your achilles heel and the part of you that is vulnerable and trust them not to hurt you.
This is something I know really well--it has come up numerous times in C--both IC and MC. People look at me and think that I need noone because I am independent. But there is nothing further from the truth.
But I need to teach them that I'm vulnerable too...
If you don't let your H (or anyone else) into that inner circle, you're cutting yourself off. Let him love you the way you so want to be loved, Karen. You just have to show him that you can be vulnerable and willing to hurt to get it.
Damn, I need a beer....
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets, OK, the intimacy part is really hard for me!! Last night was fun-it was cool hiking in the dark, wet, snow! Then we went to eat with this group of people.
At one point I got a little mad/hurt w/h. He & guy were talking about guns and H likes to tell ppl. the story about when he took me shooting and I put his gun on the grass. I didn't know any better-he emphasized that it was an $800 piece of equipment, etc. So I told h not to disbarage me, and that I felt really bad & didn't know any better. (Ok, i felt stupid). So, that blew over.
H is still in a lot of pain. The chiro. told him on Wed. to come back on Fri. Well, now h doesnt' want to b/c he is in MORE pain. I tried to explain that it may just have to get worse before it gets better & that Dr. told him it was going to take a few visits to get his back in order. I asked that he at least call them & discuss it w/them. I said that I agreed that dr. should have said, it may get worse first, or something...I want to make an appt. for myself and I'm half tempted to say, "can you call h and tell him his xray results are in and try to get him to come in?" ???
I'm starting to feel some insecurities. I tried to initiate ml, and asked if he was in too much pain and he said yes. I know that I need to put my own wants/needs aside and be understanding of him, but I don't understand! Just CALL the dr.??? I never have trouble asserting myself in these sit's so it just seems odd to me. And, I know that it will NOT work if I start getting all whiny and needy. So, how to maintain?
What to do? Well, your H is stubborn! I've got myself into some tough pickles with a chiropractor, and it does sometimes hurt more before it gets better. It sucks!
Maintain by acting AS IF he really does hurt. I'm not saying cowtow to his hurt back, especially if he's unwilling to get back to the doctor.... but you can go on your merry way and make plans and say, "Gee, hon, I really am sorry you're feeling so awful. Would you mind if I went out anyway?"
It's perfectly okay to set boundaries with your H on the gun thing. In fact, it looks like he's resenting you for it in a joking manner--because it keeps coming up in conversation and he knows you don't like hearing the story repeated ad nauseum.
"H, are you still upset with me for that?"
He'll probably answer, "No, why do you ask?"
"Because it really hurts me to keep hearing this story told. I feel bad about that, I've apologized for it more than once, and I'd like it to be buried once and for all. But if you're still angry about it, is there something else you need from me to forgive me for it?"
It's not unfair to ask for what you want, Karen.
Mr. W. used to hold the cost of my wedding ring over my head, joking to all his friends that he HAD to buy the ring to make me happy, and because of it, he would never be able to afford to restore the vintage Studebaker.
I had a horrid temper tantrum at a party and apologized profusely to his friends for how I acted. One of the women finally stood up to Mr. W. and said, "I accept Betsey's apology for her behavior, but K, she has a point. You joke about this so often that I feel you're trying to tell her that you'd rather restore the car than get married. Is this true?"
He said no, apologized for being a jerk and never made that comment again. I probably would have done it, but it was way more effective coming from a friend.
Relax, Karen. There are no dealbreakers in this post. However, we could take all our stubborn spouses out back and shoot them?
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hmmm...I have no idea what I'd do with the body. Plus he weighs 80 lbs. more than me...how would I move it?
Did I tell you I was going to the chiro. for MYSELF? I went at lunch time yesterday. We talked about h. They are waiting for his xray results. I went home, told h that i went, and how much better I felt! I said that they are going to call him when his results are in.
The chiro said that he DID say a lot of things to h, but that he prob. doesn't remember b/c it was so much to soak in. So, I GENTLY tell h that chiro says h has probs that he needs to get fixed or they will only get worse. That a lot of his upper spine is fixated. H: "well, I guess I better make an appt. soon." woo hoo!!!
Last night he asked what I wanted to do, I said go to a winery. we discussed food, he was being non-desicive again, so I picked where to pick up food. went to winery, had a really good time. he looked great, we laffed. then he asked what I wanted to do (about 10:30) I said I didn't know, it was his turn to pick. he said he wasn't picking, I said me neither. so, he said, ok, we'll do nothing! ok, we go home. I'm trying so frickin' hard not to initiate (or make sexual comments at the winery...like let's go home and get naked!) so, we sit on the couch...i act concerned about his back, ask if he wants to read, etc. he says, no, do you? no, but i can amuse myself if you do. ...he says I can jump up and down on him! I say, "how? jump on your back?" no...naked. Me: ok, now you're talkin'! So I did...
Man, was it hard not to say something or make a move on him. But, as you know, it is frustrating to get turned down and I know I send out some insecurity vibes that turn him off and make him feel used. Yes, he IS a man!!! but, this is nice b/c I know that he really cares when we do ml. & he sure does take care of me!!!
So, I focused on just having a "pleasant" evening, not expecting to be whisked off of my feet. I bit my tongue on a few instances. I started to think negatively before we left, but nipped that too. I read part of "the power of a praying woman." A couple chapters talk about getting control over our mind, the other, how to not believe lies in our heads. The question to ask ourselves: "is this a thought I would choose to have?" If not, it is NOT from GOD!!! So, that's what I did last night, and some of the stop sign technique...
tonight is concert in cleve. I want to come up with a couple options for dinner. It's raining and we'll have to do a lot of walking!!!
Where's my cane or my seeing eye dog??? 
I'm very excited. 
So, how to maintain? 