Chapter 2: Letting Go

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

I feel that some how an MLCer believes that their spouse is a hidden psychopath. When i was moving my daughters out of her apartment while she was in the hospital after her attempt, I found a library book she was reading. It was title," The Psycopath Next Door." In their delusional state they are convinced we are out to get them. It gives them further cause to spew their hatred our way.

Good going Julie on talking to your therapist today. Take care of your son and you first.

[juliegayle]

Is it possible that the mlc mind somehow becomes gifted with the ability to mind read?

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about looking at a dating website just to see what is out there. No intention of doing anything. I am married.

This morning h was super nice. Took s and let me sleep in a bit. Jumped up when my toast popped and buttered and brought it to me. Said goodbye. Miracle of miracles..

It is like he knew and was trying to reel me back in.

Or maybe he heard me laughing when he was drunk and walked into the wall last night and was embarrassed.

[job]

They can sense when things change around them, i.e., especially if your mood has become light and easy going. Their radar for sensing changes becomes very sensitive during a crisis.

[juliegayle]

Note to self. .. trying to validate this particular mlcer is an exercise in Insanity.

Here is the scene: I got a call from camp nurse today. S fell down. He was fine but was crying for me so they called. I mentioned it to h when I got home. (Mistake #1)

He freaked out. Why did they call me and not him? Why didn't I call him right away? He must be told everything that happens to s as soon as it happens?

Mistake #2. Attempting reason. I didn't call because it was no big deal and hey by the way do you remember when s fell down the stairs and you didn't tell me?.

Mistake #3. Attempting validating. But I am aware it is frustrating that they always call me first. I know that is something that had always bothered you. Ha. I don't cate. It is all my fault. I planned it this way.


Anyway. I got a cute new haircut today and now have bangs for the first time in 20 years.

[LoisB]

Let's all give Jules PROPS FOR HER NEW BANGS!! Woo HOOO!!

Sorry about your H's insanity. But, that's how we do it...try this, try that, detach, detach, detach...just don't blame yourself...you coulda done handled it a millions ways to Sunday and he still woulda been a a$$hat.

But, I'm glad you are ok. :-)

[Shining]

PROPS COMIN' ATCHA!! Whooot-a-woo! (Virtual phonetic whistle)

Jules, I can feel the SASSY thru the board.... I bet you look, and more importantly, FEEL sensational! (Cue the flirty hair flip)

And, regarding your H blaming you, I have done the same thing many, many times. Validated H and received the blaming gibberish of gobbledygook.

By definition, insanity could very well be attempting to validate the quintessential a$$hat.



Imagine if we spent half the time and energy they think we do, setting things up on purpose, JUST because it pushes their buttons..... That's some paranoid thinking, right there!

I don't usually put that much planning and energy into things I LIKE to do.

[juliegayle]

I know right! If we were as powerful and as devious and cunning as they think we could rule the world. (Cue evil laugh)

I would actually settle for using my power to get a 10 year old rascal to stay on bed.

[beatrice]

Julie first off - great about the hair>

Now, MLCers are impervious to reason. Validating (which works for some MLCers and not others) isn't reasoning with them. It is simply acknowledging they have a point of view (OK crazy, but not to them, at that point in time, from planet Zog)

So validation would be more, I am sorry that you are upset by this, or I am sorry you feel that way.

With some MLCers a follow up question might be attempted - what would you like to have happen in future? But this can backfire because they have to move from blame to reason, which is a tricky manoeuvre for a MCer.

I know I sound patronizing, but you have to treat them like either small and very tired and unreasonable toddlers, or moody and aggressive teenagers, and it isn't always clear which one you are dealing with.

In either case, reason and explanation does not work. If it did they wouldn't be MLCers

[juliegayle]

Thanks everyone. Bea I rarely even try to validate anymore but in this case I know that he hates that school and camp just automatically call mom and not dad. So I acknowledged that last night. ( It really isn't why though. They know me not him that is why they call me. Yes he does pick up 3 days but those are the after care folks. He never talks to anyone who actually really works with s)

Should I try validating more often or is it really just not worth it at this stage?

As far as reasoning..I am not going to beat myself up about it but I knew it was dumb. I just was overtaken by the injustice. My kid fell down a flight of stairs and I found out several days laterms from MIL. And he admitted that he decided I didn't have to know. Yet he is rampaging about this.

I know I will never have justice with him. I never realized before this how much I valued integrity. So I will just journal and scream into, my pillow and then meditate.

One final note. I have no proof of course but I strongly suspect that someone was egging him on . He was upset but then went for a walk and came back livud.

[juliegayle]

Livid. .silly spell check