On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

I dont think she lied to our daughter. I had a couple of talks with her and she didnt indicate anything out of the ordinary.

As far as full transparency goes, no chance on earth. In fact, she has stated virtually from day 1 that she refuses to live "like that". She will not be treated like she is in prison. This is one of many, many issues that leads me to believe that our marriage is doomed. But it all branches off from the fact that she is not in love with me and has no desire to be with me right now. She is going to do what she wants, when she wants and with whomever she wants without asking or explaining. She will not let me see her phone. She knows I have the password to her verizon wireless account, so I can see some numbers that she is texting or calling. But imessages don't show up (this is how she communicated with her AP without me knowing). She could have changed that password at any point but she has not for some reason. I also have the ability to see her credit card transactions.

Remaining detached would be great. But I am having a hard time detaching period. Being with her since I was 13 is making this extremely difficult. Like you said in one of your previous posts on another thread, it feels like a truck is parked on my chest. But seeing her definitely makes it harder. I still think she is the most beautiful woman on earth and it's killing me.

The latest update. I was out of town on for 2 days. I got home yesterday afternoon and could tell that she was angry, as usual. I opened an individual bank account and my paychecks are now being direct deposited into that account. She figured that out yesterday when my check didnt hit our joint account for the first time in our lives. She said I am acting like someone who is already divorced. She also said that "I almost signed a lease yesterday". I asked her why she didn't and she said "I was not 100% on the apartment and I wouldnt know what to do when I got to the credit app."

Then she mentioned what she refers to as a barrier to us ever being together. Sex. She said that she can not imagine how I could ever have sex with her again. She can't see herself being with me. I said, "I am not sure. Today I couldn't, but in 3 months or 6 months, who knows. It depends on what happens to our feelings between now and then." But for her, the way she feels now is exactly the way she will feel forever. According to her. She said that she wants me to go out and find someone. That it would level the playing field if I did. She is convinced that if we ever got back together that my mission would be to get revenge and SHE could never trust ME.

It is talks like this that really make me want to throw in the towel. She is just cant, cant, cant, cant... It's one of the things she did in our marriage that she denies. Constantly seeing the bad side of every situation and giving no effort to see the bright side.