But now I realise it is fear, so much falls into place. Why didn't I see this before?
Yup. I second that.
When I went through terrible episodes of depression, it was the fear of what was happening to me that drove me. My mind when batty trying to figure it out...almost like I had a spotlight and I kept focusing it one thing/situation/person to explain it all. I genuinely couldn't help it. My brain was operating on this compelling drive of "Gotta Find the Solution! NOW! Make this PAIN GO AWAY!"
And, for a time, I blamed Smokey. He was ALL WRONG. IT was HIM!!! I caught myself, however, and was able to see that...when the depression lifted some that it wasn't HIM at all. But, in the moment of sincere insanity...genuinely insane with my mind racing to find the cure...I believed completely that he was the source of my problems. I needed something. My brain did.
It was a really awful place to be. I hated that feeling.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
