I guess it is ultimately about learning to love the life you have NOW at this minute. Sometimes we have to think back or forward to other times when we are down, but living in the moment and being grateful for it is the goal.
In other words The Good thing about all this is . . . . gratitude.
agreed!!! gratitude!! love this, thank you for the reminder
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I agree about understanding the "real" us. i'm not so good at it really- i';ve always found it okay to be more concerned with others and their needs - than myself. not sayin i'm a saint or anything- just think habit. middle kid- no real attention but didn't need it since i had the younger sister/sidekick/irishtwin thing going on.
it's only last five years- that i've been shoved face to face with this "me" - i'm okay- could use work (use less words, explain less, focus more (will i EVER be focused again? idk)
anyuway- i ffeel like you about the whole wishing i never met this guy- poison. (or so it seemed sometimes) - but then, allll those great years and memories, etc. it's part of whowe are now- i get that.
maybe it's the darn flipping and flopping around- h here, gone, see old guy, see crappy new guy- idk who the heck i see these days.
today , after 2 nites of good sleep - compliments of otc sleeping pills- i felt this morning like it's my life and i've spent last two days conducting it as if he doesn't exist kind of- wierdly so, pick up kids, do chores, play with them, read if i want, ignore the dishes if i want (he can just do them too ) . he does pitch in more- now that he's mr "hey look at me- i'm a single guy again?" sometimes.
anyway- i had the notion this morning why would i reply the last five yers of total hell and $uck life- it's like reliving a horrible old injury or operation or something.
why- it only serves to make me miserable more about something soooo gone, (maybe) over, past - unfixable or changeable.
i know making decisions bout the future always require the knowl3dge and experi9ence of the past. i am not makin any at the moment (God forbid). i have a sneaking suspicion that i've been creating the world i wish to live in and as i wish to see it. it's not a bad world- for 60 or so years i felt overall "happy". i've got to moderate it i think- make it realistic maybe.
it is now, forever, tempered with what i've learned about h, mother, sisters, everyone just about.
my old ntions are shattered - i don't feel scary about a totally new "future" - assuming i've got one. i still do not have any big fat goals or things i feel i missed out on, etc.
today i walked, grdened a bit- cooked a bit so can just thro supper in with the kids here - will go get them in half hour, hair is dying now- h is playing tennis. it's not a bad day or life. he is not who he used to be- he is not beginning evil mlc guy-
i only wonder if he's winding down to become who he is now and will be going forward? or if this is "it". for him and progress.
i am not wild with desire for this guy.
idk- just ruminating- i'm so galad you're so good with your life at moment and know yourself- i feel like if you can do it- i can hope to achieve it.
buZzer going- don't want to look like don amichi - eeeek
xxo thanks for sharing thoughts and life- it makes a diff..
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I've just had a light bulb moment - maybe it is the eruption onto the scene of some newish fun and feisty people that have had me thinking more about the process than I usually do.
I mean a real Homer Simpson Doh moment. As you know, my xh is a fairly mean one, and although I have heard the 'they feel guilty theory' of meanness, it didn't quite explain it all or ring true, and then I realised, it is fear. My xh is terrified of what is happening to him, He is out of control and doesn't know what to do (very poor coping skills might be an understatement here.)
Now I know there are those who say it doesn't matter why - well they are right in a way, but as humans we tend to seek explanations to understand the puzzle that wrecked our lives as they were. Understandable if not always constructive.
But now I realise it is fear, so much falls into place. Why didn't I see this before?
But now I realise it is fear, so much falls into place. Why didn't I see this before?
Yup. I second that.
When I went through terrible episodes of depression, it was the fear of what was happening to me that drove me. My mind when batty trying to figure it out...almost like I had a spotlight and I kept focusing it one thing/situation/person to explain it all. I genuinely couldn't help it. My brain was operating on this compelling drive of "Gotta Find the Solution! NOW! Make this PAIN GO AWAY!"
And, for a time, I blamed Smokey. He was ALL WRONG. IT was HIM!!! I caught myself, however, and was able to see that...when the depression lifted some that it wasn't HIM at all. But, in the moment of sincere insanity...genuinely insane with my mind racing to find the cure...I believed completely that he was the source of my problems. I needed something. My brain did.
It was a really awful place to be. I hated that feeling.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I couldn't understand why he appeared to be getting angrier and angrier - and now I can see - all bridges burnt, and nowhere to go but a long long fall. We have all peered into the abyss during this journey and it isn't much fun.
Maybe, but I think fear is a big driver in all of this. After all anxiety and fear are not poles apart. I don't think sadness drives anger in my xh's case, but it is true that often under one emotion lies another, the deeper one. I realise that when you have poor coping skills the world is a very challenging place
