Fri, Sat., Sun, we are getting along fine. Sun. we have a lot of time with no plans. He asks what I want to do. (well, same thing I always want to do). He says can I wait until later. I say sure. His back has been really hurting lately so we were pretty much taking it easy. I start to a.)take it personally that he is not coming after me b.)be selfish and more concerned about my wants than his physical pain.
Yes, I was very helpful, getting him stuff, offering him back rubs, etc.
I tell him I am feeling weird. He says how? I said I feel insecure. Silence. He's waiting for me to say more, I'm waiting for him to say anything. Nothing happens for a long time. I get up, do dishes, etc. I come back and he asks if I have a prob. with him. I said, "just the other day you were asking me why I was afraid to talk to you and that I should talk to you, etc. so here I am talking to you and you have nothing to say." He said, "well you told me that sometimes you need to gather your thoughts before you speak and I was trying not to get defensive during that time and wait for you to talk." I said that I was just putting it out there point blank-i feel insecure. He offers a hug!!! +++
So, needless to say, we talk some more, do not argue. I say I know I am going down a cheeseless tunnel. I keep hoping that one of these days when I ask for comfort, I will get it, but where he is, it is not happening. So, we go on with the eve. I cook, we watch a movie. He did make some moves towards me affectionately this weekend. One time he was laying on the floor and I was on the couch and he asked what I was doing up there, so I went down by him. And the other night, we were laying side by side watching movie and he scooched over towards me.
I rub Icy Hot on his back and make it fun by saying that he is my patient and that he has to follow the nurse's orders and recommendations...you can imagine the rest...
__ Monday I go to work and tell H that I am climbing and the he is welcome to join me after for din/drinks. He said he'd let me know. He calls and says he is going out with friend. chit chat...
I climb-awesome night!!! Go to rest. w/group. I come home, see that h wore nice shoes and bathroom smells like cologne. This makes me jealous-not too bad at first. Then it all went down hill. Here are my thoughts: He's never going to put effort into me and our r
He cares more about how he looks when he is w/friends
I can't ask him to do this for me b/c he is resisting being controlled. He prob. doesn't do it half the time for the same reason.
I don't have the patience to wait for things to get better.
I'll never get over this stupid jealousy.
I'm never going to quit getting upset.
I'm never going to be who he wants me to be.
I bawl, I collect myself, do some spiritual reading. Trying to study how the devil tells us lies and wants to destroy our happiness/marriages, etc.
I go to bed. H comes home at 3. I say hi, we chit chat. Ask about each other's evening. He spoons me and says, "and one other thing." I asked what. He said he ran into xfiance and that they talked for a while. They were still friends when we started dating, i was fine w/it at first, then got jealous. He was adamant about me trusting him. he invited her to our reception. I did not say no b/c I figured if he thought i didn't trust him, he wouldn't marry me. She did not come, didn't write, or call him to let him know why. He is mad at her (for not explaining).
They see each other a couple times w/little interaction. We run into her last summer. They start talking, and keep talking, I get jealous and walk away crying. I called her next day to apologize. She reassures me profusely that they will not ever be together again-they were great friends, just could not relate as a couple. (H doesn't know that I called her.) We talked about the recption too.
He said that she told him that she didn't come b/c she thought it was my day and that she didn't want to be a distraction to the family, etc. I said that that was considerate. Guess they just caught up and played pool together for a while. He asked if I had any questions-I asked a couple non-accusingly. 1 being-bar closes at 2, bar is 15min. away, and it is now 3. He said she knows the owner (which I believe) and he let them talk until 2:40. I asked if they were going to keep in touch now. He said no. I told him thanks for sharing and gave a couple hugs. He spooned me as we fell asleep. I can honestly say that how i reacted to this was 2 180's! Like a double axel!! I bet he was surprised!
Said good-bye this morn. No big talkin', very brief.
