Have I any hope.... (Part 3)

[25yearsmlc]

My previous thread.....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2463857#Post2463857


So against all advice

well, does our advice ever get followed? I'm sincerely asking -just so I know if this is a place for you to vent or if you really are seeking input.

I helped WAW move some of her stuff but I did set a boundary by only helping late on Thursday night and a few hours on Friday - I have D that day and told WAW that it was a day to have fun with D.

Anyway, after helping Thursday and getting D to bed WAW and I stood in the kitchen. We chatted about the house ie end of an era etc. then I mentioned Xmas would be soon. WAW said she hadn't thought about but what would we do. I asked what u mean. She says would I like to stay Xmas eve with her and D. I said sure but would her OM mind that. She just smiled.

How about you never ever mentioning his name again? He's not your equal, even if he is in her eyes. YOU have to rise above him in a way that reflects how unworthy he is of your mental energy.

That's my take on it, fwiw.


She then asked had I told anyone about OM. I said all my family.

Why do you have these^^ discussions? Why not tell her it's not something SHE has to worry about? Plus it's not really any of her business who you told, or what you told. I mean, what's the goal?

I DO think telling her very little about THEIR Comments, was wise b/c the last thing she needs to hear is trash talk from them, about her.

I mean IF your goal is a reconciliation, AND therefore Keeping the road home paved and smooth, the more who know of OM - the harder it would be for her to return.

But If you don't see recon as realistic, then the only thing that matters is keeping the peace between you two for your d's sake...and talking about OM does not seem like it would help.


She asks what they said. I said they didn't say anything. She then asks am I seeing anyone. I smiled as she smiled. I said no. She said I don't believe you. I said I don't have time and not interested in anyone. We then had small talk again before bed.

does this ^^ mean something to you?


On sat we moved a few things but nothing major happened. I did however mess up by saying on way out of new house I hope the OM enjoys the stuff I helped moved. I was joking to her and she looked a bit miffed and I said 'I'm only joking'.


I would avoid "jokes" like that in the future. First, it's not really a joke b/c there isn't any humor in it and second, you are again reminding her of OM and showing that HE is on YOUR mind, taking up space in your head while you are helping her go to him...does that make sense to you?

I mean, forget about helping her pack, but to keep on talking about him. YOU brought him up at least twice in one day, not her. WHY? Just drop it. IF SHE had brought him up we'd all be mad at her for being insensitive....

I guess you're playing it cool, except then you admit you are not dating anyone...so it just comes off as not too strong...from where I sit anyhow.

On a positive we discussed plans for the week ahead as we are both off. We have decided to go to the zoo which is a 200 mile trip with D on wed.
It'll be nice for D to see her mum and dad together for fun.

Any thoughts on the above anyone?

RE the trip...

Many will say not to go and they might be right. But I'll tell you my experience and see if you can pull it off, b/c it's not forever and it's FOR your d.

About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, he invited me and our 2 d's on a trip with him to Palm Springs. He had a 4 day conference in that resort area. I could not believe he invited us.

I thought "no way".

I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
I could not imagine going and "rewarding him", pretending, or letting HIM be in denial, about hIS choices.

My DB coach said something very different and very wise. She said:

1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

AND

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM, so he'd have something to MISS?

And

3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry, no matter what. Let no word in anger come from MY mouth. IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long. I mean, I felt "Wronged" and therefore felt compelled to comment on it, pretty much every time I saw h...didn't get me anywhere but God knows THAT did not stop me for a really long time.

Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my tongue and my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters (and for the possibility that h would later regret things) and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.

I did NOT think I would enjoy myself, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls --and they'd have a good memory of their dad.

I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but that is what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT then I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do.

But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior, and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way.

He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. (And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.)

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me.

Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And it was something h thought about later on. It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day.

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.

Not to stir old feelings in you, but to control yourself knowing that you can be a jerk or just justifiably angry at her, later....but if this trip is FOR your d, then make it count.

**Do NOT mention OM at all for the trip. Do NOT. He's not in your family (not yet anyhow) and this is a family trip...When thoughts of him come up, put a STOP SIGN in your mind and talk to your d or change the radio or DO something different.

Just don't go there in your brain. Give your w something to remember (and regret losing??) or at least a feeling that you are a pleasant companion,

(which will someday contrast with OM, trust me). YOU will always be the father of your d, and being a strong calm loving man will always be something your w will know you are, and your d will treasure...

and YOU can give your d a fun memory of her parents making HER their priority, and not their problems.


Good luck