WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Zues126]

I'm tired and probably shouldn't be posting, so forgive me if this isn't useful. Let me just say I hate what your H is doing but think I get his point of view. Let me say that I hold myself accountable for the majority of the breakdown (see my thread), just that I get how it played out so poorly so naturally.

I was in a similar spot in my M. My W was a SAHM and her life revolved around the kids. 11 years together, 3 children, that means she was pregnant and nursing much of the time. Then with the 3rd child she was always busy.

My biggest gripe was that she cared more about the kids than about me. I see many sources say the M should come BEFORE the kids. Maybe that's not valid, but either way it sure wasn't that way in my home. Letting herself go, not being attractive, not being interesting or interested, and not having time for me. It made me angry because when it was something the KIDS needed she did it because "I'm there mom and they depend on only me" but when it was something I needed somehow I was an adult and should be able to understand that "this is how life with kids is".

I was really angry about the lack of sex and the lack of effort on her part. I had to beg or manipulate for sex, and then it was fairly boring. I told her this was like my #1 most important priority and yet if I didn't say anything I would go without for weeks or months. I didn't feel it was fair and couldn't handle the amount of hurt and neglect.

So I did use porn. That made it worse, driving a wedge further between my fantasy and reality. I did spend more time on my own, until we basically lived separate lives. She in turn focused on being a good mom, which in turn meant I didn't get involved as a dad and was rarely around. This cycle just got worse and worse.

What I see in your H is that he still loves you. He's paying all the bills, that isn't so he can cake eat, it's because he loves you and that is his way of showing it. Maybe that's taken for granted, but in his mind he's trying to be noble and show he cares vs. manipulative games with $. I hate the A but again, I almost feel like he's saying "This is what I need more of, I can't live without it, I wish you could give it to me but you don't seem willing". So when he's asking for sex, etc, I think he's just looking for signs that if he recommits to the M and gives up what he has now (what he feels he NEEDS) that you'd be more committed to meeting those needs than when he felt he couldn't take it any more.

He would need to know you UNDERSTAND how important this really is to him (enough to leave), and that you care enough for him to change a LOT for this to work. That means things like being more physically intimate, but also making him more of a priority overall (so he's not getting the leftovers after the kids but the actual meal). I could go on about what he might want but that's a start.

So if you have the attitude that he's wrong about his needs simply because he's handling himself poorly, that could be tough. I agree with firm boundaries (no OW activity in your house, no intimacy unless he cuts off relationship and recommits to M, etc). But if that's ALL you do that's not enough. Saying "you have to choose" is no good if you don't give him a reason to choose you. And being stronger on your own and ready to move on is better than pursuing, but doesn't make him feel safer. In fact, it might make him feel more vulnerable and hurt that you'd rather move on than make the changes he's REALLY hoping you'd make.

And the talk about not knowing if you'd take him back. Look, I don't pretend to know how tough it is, but if you can't validate and meet his needs then you probably shouldn't. But if you can then I don't think you have to condemn him based on his behavior during a period he was beyond his ability to cope.

I'd give some thought to how much you could grow in those areas. Then- what have you done to show him those changes? I know GAL/Detaching/180s are generally about YOU, but if the problem is that he's concerned you don't care about him enough to meet his needs better then I think you have to grow and demonstrate the growth in those areas to get you back.

Again, in my sitch if my W had done that I would've been all in. Seriously, if she had one time said "I love you and you are my #1 priority. I understand how important our sex life is to you so want to make extreme efforts to become more exciting and passionate there. In fact, I've read up on a few things I'd like to try, can you join me?" I would've done anything. If she had said, "Now I have some needs that are just as important to me as sex is to you, can we discuss?" OF COURSE I WOULD! I'D BE IN HEAVEN AND WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO RECIPROCATE AND SHOW MY LOVE AND APPRECIATION! She never did that. Of course, I misplayed my sitch as your husband has and she DID become the WAS. So now I'm trying to grow but still in a spot where I'm not sure I'D reconcile without seeing changes like that.

Cliffnotes- Your husband has told you he needs to be more of a priority in your life and feels that when you spend 1:1 time with him, and his extremely extremely extremely important needs of understanding/satisfying him sexually. Would you be willing to grow in that area? If so, have you done anything to demonstrate that?