here it comes. Get the thought out of your head that a R is based on the other person wanting to have sex. I have talked to a number of women who are having the same problem. i really don't understand why people don't want it everyday either, but I'll give you my perspective on it anyway for what its worth.
How was you sex life before, the baby? I bet it was great, it will be like this forever, etc... etc....
what changes happened after the baby was born. Sometimes we just don't realize that LIFE GETS IN THE WAY....
we refuse to see the things that are affecting other person and assume that they are not interested.
What strikes me is that you seem to be in polar reversed M. W wanting sex all the time and H wanting the quality time. I think we can presume that this is the reversal of the normal Mars-Venus deal. So what can you do?
You say he wants to spend quality time with you, I still get the sense that you haven't found his LL, and he hasn't found yours. let me give you something since he is interested on spending quality time with you, why not use that to your advantage.
why not make a proposal to him that you understand that there are some misunderstandings in regards to how you view each other and what each other needs. So why not do this. Say I found this really great book 5LL and would you be interested in spending some time each night reading it with me. I have heard a lot of good things about this book helping people understand each other. maybe we can identify each others LL and then we could understand or R better and make changes that will benefit both of us.
it would give you quality time with him (which he wants) and you both would gain tremendous amount of insight into what turns the other person on. I will update more later, on your post as I am glad you gave me more insight into the past of your R.
Remember: Beauty is not skin deep, it goes completely to the soul, and for that I say you are a most beautiful person. DON'T FORGET THAT. OK
Hi Dan, We don't have any children. This is both of our first marriage; he's 33, I'm 34.
This is not the first r that I have had this trouble with. (the insecurity and fear). I have gone to soooo many C's looking for help. (Yes, I know it has to come from me.) I really WANT to change but for some reason I DON'T.
H has asked for this: to get along, to have emotional stability in our r. That's it. So, to me that equals quality time. (obviously, time together is not quality time if I am crying all the time.)
What I want (besides it all): WOA, physical touch (he's very affectionate as far as cuddling, putting his hand on my leg during movie or at din. or at the family's house, or whatever...) I like to be very active. H doesn't care what we do together-he's happy just BEING together. I don't know how to just BE. Can I fly around buzzing and stinging people? Oh, wrong kind of "be." That's what I do anyway!
I'll think about the LL book issue. I'm not sure how he would react to that right now.
Here's the synopsis:
H wants to get along, I want romance. He says if he gives me what he wants, he'll give me what I want, and vice versa. He has been emotionally closed off due to my attacking and accusing him of not caring about me, therefore, he doesn't feel able to give emotionally very much anymore for fear of being trampled on. I really want to get along and try, but like I said, I hit my head against the same wall (lookin' for that damn cheese) over and over and over again. I KNOW this does not work. Duh? I keep hoping that one day it will that miraculously, he'll say that he loves me and that everything is going to be ok. But, that does not happen and I feel desperate for those words.
Why am I so dependent on that?? Even when he did give me lots of words, I was insecure. So, he says, "why should i do that? It doesnt' work anyway."
I can't seem to hold out long enough to get what I want. We'll be really close one day, then say we have a few days that we are not as close and I freak out. I fear that I'll never have the m that I want and that i made a mistake marrying him. But, this is so WRONG!! He's a great guy!!!
He just thinks differently than I do and I don't understand!
Hello fellow db'ers. How are you doing? I feel like complete and utter crap. I don't think I can do this anymore. I have tried sooo hard to get help and I just can't seem to get it right. I don't think that I'll ever be able to be the woman/wife that h wants me to be. He deserves to be loved much more than I can love him. He truly is a wonderful man.
I appreciate him when I am away from him, but can't seem to relate to him on a personal level. Nobody deserves to be treated like I treat him. I act like he is never good enough and that he doesn't care about or love me.
I think that it may be time to let him go. I think it would be a more loving thing to do rather than to keep doing to this to him and making his life miserable. I love him so much. I hate the thought of not being with him, but I am not being a loving person to him. I don't see how I can get my crap long enough to make a family with him.
I'm getting older and it just doesn't seem to be happening. I don't know what else to do. I thought I had tried everything, I know it would help to db, but I just don't do it. I don't know why and I don't know how to stop. I can't go on like this anymore and I don't want to put him through this anymore.
I have no hope, faith or trust in myself, this r, or him. I don't feel like living anymore right now. I feel like such a failure. Nobody deserves this.
Karen I'm gonna whack you good!!!! Get him down off that pedestal and get up off the floor!!! He is NOT too good for you, he is human and he is your H. Remember M is hard work and it takes two. We can give it a good start with DBing but eventually our S will have to contribute. You have done very well and I know right now it doesn't feel like it. It's perfectly okay to have a pity party once in awhile but do it so it doesn't affect your R. I get this overwhelming feeling of "I can't do this anymore" too. I use a "time out" for myself. It will pass! You know that.
Karen you sound so like me...sometimes I am Jeckyl/Hyde. I get that "he is too good for me, I have treated him so horrible, he doesn't deserve this" crappy feeling and then at times it is the "I don't deserve this, H treated me SOOOO bad at times, I am not gonna take this anymore". I feel like freaking Sybil!!! It's perfectly normal. So deal with those feelings when they come, but don't wreak havoc on your M and R because of those times. Be strong. I know you can!!!
Now...a big (((((((HUG))))))) for being so rough. You're okay Karen. Just breathe and try to get past it. Praying really helps me. A nice hot bath and good music does wonders, too. If it helps, my PMA was pretty bottomed out this morning and I am now topping the mountain! It CAN BE DONE!!!
You know the routine...come vent here and be sugar sweet to H. He's only human, my friend. Don't put him above you...he has made mistakes too. Take care and let us know how you are doing. God bless,
Debi
I have run the gambit of being depressed and I am worried about you right now. For one thing you deserve to quit beating yourself up over this. Email me and we can set up a time to chat its easier than this.
Whatever you do just try to calm dwon until we can talk. Have you seen a doctor for depression. If not go immediately. Ask for some zoloft or something that will help you handle this better. Promise me you will do that.
Please remember one thing no one and I mean no one is worth what might be going through your mind right now. Please email me so we can talk ok.
Karen, Karen, Karen! This is going to be a 2x4...not on the DBing but on the attitude!
What brought you to the conclusion that you cannot do this? What part of this is not working for you? WHAT doesn't seem to be happening? The answer to either of these questions cannot be "all of it"; "I don't know"; "Just because" or anything of the sort. Put it down in the black and white...not the flowery words for sadness...the nuts and bolts of the PROBLEM.
Your husband is a grown man, and he is capable - as you are - of making his own choices. AND he is choosing to stick this out with you. Don't discount his ability to make that choice. Instead, make yourself a person that YOU want to be. Because I don't see this as a problem with the relationship you have with your husband. I see it as a problem with the relationship you have with yourself.
To walk away from your marriage right now would be the easy road. It is easy to play the martyr. It is harder to do something about it. However, doing something about it is going to be a lot more fulfilling in the long run.
You can't say you've tried everything. There are a million things out there waiting for you to try them. START. Post your goals on your refrigerator, in your car, in your office, wherever you speak to your H. Force yourself into a healthy attitude, a healthy lifestyle. If you backslide, pick yourself up and keep going. BUT DON'T GIVE YOURSELF THE OPTION TO QUIT.
If you feel that medication would be beneficial to you, then I encourage you to seek the means of that. But it is a tool, not a solution. It has to come from you, Karen.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Girlfriend, what happened here? What made you feel so hopeless and desperate to put this stuff out here?
Karen, let's say for the sake of argument that you ended things on this note. How in the heck are you going to live with yourself if you take the easy way out?
You're still going to have to do this work, Karen, or you will be destined to keep repeating the same mistakes and losing people you love AND yourself along the way.
Why not do this while you have the inclination, motivation, support AND a commitment from your H? Karen, it's hard work, but worthwhile.
Don't give up... this is a fight that you deserve and need. And it's going to come back until you actually win.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Fri, Sat., Sun, we are getting along fine. Sun. we have a lot of time with no plans. He asks what I want to do. (well, same thing I always want to do). He says can I wait until later. I say sure. His back has been really hurting lately so we were pretty much taking it easy. I start to a.)take it personally that he is not coming after me b.)be selfish and more concerned about my wants than his physical pain.
Yes, I was very helpful, getting him stuff, offering him back rubs, etc.
I tell him I am feeling weird. He says how? I said I feel insecure. Silence. He's waiting for me to say more, I'm waiting for him to say anything. Nothing happens for a long time. I get up, do dishes, etc. I come back and he asks if I have a prob. with him. I said, "just the other day you were asking me why I was afraid to talk to you and that I should talk to you, etc. so here I am talking to you and you have nothing to say." He said, "well you told me that sometimes you need to gather your thoughts before you speak and I was trying not to get defensive during that time and wait for you to talk." I said that I was just putting it out there point blank-i feel insecure. He offers a hug!!! +++
So, needless to say, we talk some more, do not argue. I say I know I am going down a cheeseless tunnel. I keep hoping that one of these days when I ask for comfort, I will get it, but where he is, it is not happening. So, we go on with the eve. I cook, we watch a movie. He did make some moves towards me affectionately this weekend. One time he was laying on the floor and I was on the couch and he asked what I was doing up there, so I went down by him. And the other night, we were laying side by side watching movie and he scooched over towards me.
I rub Icy Hot on his back and make it fun by saying that he is my patient and that he has to follow the nurse's orders and recommendations...you can imagine the rest...
__ Monday I go to work and tell H that I am climbing and the he is welcome to join me after for din/drinks. He said he'd let me know. He calls and says he is going out with friend. chit chat...
I climb-awesome night!!! Go to rest. w/group. I come home, see that h wore nice shoes and bathroom smells like cologne. This makes me jealous-not too bad at first. Then it all went down hill. Here are my thoughts: He's never going to put effort into me and our r
He cares more about how he looks when he is w/friends
I can't ask him to do this for me b/c he is resisting being controlled. He prob. doesn't do it half the time for the same reason.
I don't have the patience to wait for things to get better.
I'll never get over this stupid jealousy.
I'm never going to quit getting upset.
I'm never going to be who he wants me to be.
I bawl, I collect myself, do some spiritual reading. Trying to study how the devil tells us lies and wants to destroy our happiness/marriages, etc.
I go to bed. H comes home at 3. I say hi, we chit chat. Ask about each other's evening. He spoons me and says, "and one other thing." I asked what. He said he ran into xfiance and that they talked for a while. They were still friends when we started dating, i was fine w/it at first, then got jealous. He was adamant about me trusting him. he invited her to our reception. I did not say no b/c I figured if he thought i didn't trust him, he wouldn't marry me. She did not come, didn't write, or call him to let him know why. He is mad at her (for not explaining).
They see each other a couple times w/little interaction. We run into her last summer. They start talking, and keep talking, I get jealous and walk away crying. I called her next day to apologize. She reassures me profusely that they will not ever be together again-they were great friends, just could not relate as a couple. (H doesn't know that I called her.) We talked about the recption too.
He said that she told him that she didn't come b/c she thought it was my day and that she didn't want to be a distraction to the family, etc. I said that that was considerate. Guess they just caught up and played pool together for a while. He asked if I had any questions-I asked a couple non-accusingly. 1 being-bar closes at 2, bar is 15min. away, and it is now 3. He said she knows the owner (which I believe) and he let them talk until 2:40. I asked if they were going to keep in touch now. He said no. I told him thanks for sharing and gave a couple hugs. He spooned me as we fell asleep. I can honestly say that how i reacted to this was 2 180's! Like a double axel!! I bet he was surprised!
Said good-bye this morn. No big talkin', very brief.
Quote: What brought you to the conclusion that you cannot do this? What part of this is not working for you? WHAT doesn't seem to be happening? The answer to either of these questions cannot be "all of it"; "I don't know"; "Just because" or anything of the sort. Put it down in the black and white...not the flowery words for sadness...the nuts and bolts of the PROBLEM.
I just can't seem to get over this hump! Things were ok for over a week. I get scared b/c h is a little withdrawn (duh!), I make ASSumptions about the future. I don't believe that h will love me like he used to. Yes, he is still here, so he must have some hope and belief that it can happen for us!!
I get so impatient! I want to hear words so desperately. I want changes NOW!!!
I have trouble biting my tongue b/c I think that if I have feelings, I need to express them, and if they are in regards to him, express them to him. THEN, I want him to HELP me resolve the feelings. ie telling me he does love me or does want to be with me, etc. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!!! So why do I keep trying???
Was talking with a friend this morn. and am going to write goals every day-how am i going to get through this day. what can i do for me? what do i have to look forward to, etc. ?
I also made a list of things that I can do for a little while when h & i are in the house together (a time out for me): take a bubble bath read/write walk dogs organize room/clean/put laundry away... exercise scrapbook play with pics online/digital camera list stuff on ebay to sell go for a drive (bookstore, library, coffee shop, ice cream stand! alright, so he might not want me to go there w/o him) Plan a trip work on budget wash truk/bikes decorate something sew curtains plan menu/organize cookbooks and recipes pull out stuff to donate.
what do i do when i want to give up??? thanks again! karen
Hey my friend, Glad to see you are back on the "up" side of this. If you ever find the secret of how not to feel hopeless at times...let me know. I get the very same feelings that I can't change, I'll never lose my jealousy and insecurities, etc. For awhile I thought I was "cured" so to speak and when something happened to make those old feelings pop back up, I was ready to pretty much give up and shoot myself. Truth is...I WANT a R...with my H...but I need to get this under control before it will happen. I know it can be done...I never felt this vulnerable with my X. Maybe it is just certain ppl that spark it in me.
As far as the time out...and what might work...I just have a good cry (and scream sometime) and have it out with God, the whole pity party. Then I let Him speak to me through His word and allow Him to comfort me. If you truely give it all over to the Lord, He will give you the strength to bear it. Of course...make your escape from H to do the crying thing as it seems to be an issue with him. I wish I could go back to the days I NEVER cried. Now I am a total waterwork!!!! Lousy emotions!!! J/K.
And remember...your H is at the place where he wants to work at this with you! Embrace that. I give you permission to think of my sitch everytime you want to freak out over your sitch. What I wouldn't give to be actually working together with my H!!! I envy you that. Enjoy your H...it sounds like he loves you ALOT and after all this...he is still hanging in there. You thank him by staying tough and making the greatest M ever! Take care, Karen and God bless! Debi
