Is this a good sign? What do I do now?

[25yearsmlc]

Yikes this is a long post for you. I mean, you did ask me to stop by...so here goes and yes I finished the thread!!...

Well, I don't want a D. I want to rebuild. But, I know it takes two to do that and that it's hard and sometimes painful work. Until the past couple of weeks, H made it very, very clear that he wasn't interested.

Between march and now, what has HE done that makes you think he IS interested in changing things enough to make you want to be MARRIED to him?

I don't mean what he says, or the affection and kissing, but a significant action on his end that shows true movement towards making a home with you?

You SAID you cannot live this way anymore. I don't see any indication of big changes on his end, but I do see more stalling on his end and a ton of red flags about money and not disclosing income, that scream to me he's hiding money.

Now I sense from YOU, wavering. You would accept this lifestyle for good, if you believed he were faithful to you, correct?

And if that is true (which I find sad b/c you are an introvert and it's not something you seem interested in changing, so HE is your life. And if you are willing to accept a part time marriage for the next decade or 2, that will get you to age 75-80...

Do you see your h taking care of you when you are not well, for long periods of time? You see him growing old next to you?


He has seemed to be torn between the safe haven (me) and the lure of "single" life. (All of his new friends are about his age, but have never been married.)

I'm sorry but I don't sense him being torn the same way you do. I think he has mixed feelings b/c he does care for you, but he's also moody, and selfish and deceitful and that's the side in him that is, mostly but not always, winning in his battle.


As for me, I'm torn between standing or just accepting the direction my life has taken and moving on.

Standing is not "Standing still". Also, I think your refusal to GAL b/c you are "introverted" is more about you being stuck. That's not a 2 x 4 (I hope), just an observation. And maybe a pattern??

Putting up with his antics may seem easier than divorcing, but in the long run is it what will give you peace inside?

The way I see it, I have 3 options. Stand and fight, accept being one of the "undivorced" for the sake of my financial future (I felt that H would be perfectly happy with that up until a few weeks ago), or moving on.

If there is hope, the choice for me is easy - stand!

So, I suppose I'm asking if anyone here sees that hope.

Is there hope? Gosh, I say there's always hope, but I've had 2 family members divorce and later, remarry their former spouses. So yes, it happens. So I don't happen to see divorce as the ultimate Finale that some do...

I think the way you are going now ---is teaching your h NOT to take you seriously and that's a form of disrespect to you.

You have showed him that being around at his convenience is acceptable, that you being alone for 90% of the rest of your life, in an empty bed all those nights, is acceptable.

You have taught him that periodic contact, only at his leisure, is acceptable. You have taught him that a lifestyle you SAY is unacceptable to you, is actually acceptable - so your words are not to be taken literally when they are applied to your m and him.

It's acceptable b/c you have accepted it.

So I'm not sure what you are really willing to accept or do. You say "Stand and fight" move on, or "be undivorced" for the sake of your financial future---

so that I understand, let me ask you this:

FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, which is riskier for you, being undivorced

and hoping/praying he does not take advantage of you, leave you high and dry by hiding assets,

or just not leave you but hide assets, maybe stealing or embezzling and or spending a ton of money on OW, and still lying a lot,

or being divorced BUT in charge & aware of your finances?

I know IDEALLY he'd treat you right and all would be well, but that is not a realistic option at this point.

You ONCE said you could not do "This' anymore and you wanted to be a priority, but now it seems you are willing to be #2 or 3 on his list, is that more or less correct?

I'm not telling you to insist openly on some arbitrary boundary.

I'm just trying to clarify for you how I see your choices panning out for YOU.
Maybe it seems easier in the short run to play second (or third) fiddle but in the long run over time I think it'll eat at you.

What would you tell your d or granddaughter if this were her life?

Frankly, I'm very concerned about your financial safety.


To me it boils down this way:

IF IF IF You really mean it (decide that first!)

when you say you must be a priority to him;

then if he does not SHOW you with serious changes in HIS lifestyle, that you are his priority (and the business isn't),

then move on. OR cave and admit that.

If you cannot get a handle on where ALL the MONEY is, and get equal access to it, then I'd say you must move on.

(Or cave and admit it to yourself, which means no more saying one thing and doing another. IT's bad for YOUR self esteem and it confuses everyone including you).

IF he cannot prove there is no OW now, then I'd say you must move on (or cave and admit it, at least to yourself).

If he cannot do both of these things (ditch the OW and disclose ALL financial matters) ^^ within a short amount of time then I'd move on.

But that's me.

as for hopes about marriage...

I think your best chance for ending up married to this man in a way that YOU desire, is by ending THIS marriage.

It may not pan out at all but if not, that's b/c he's not willing or able to abide by the most minimal of requirements for 99% of h's.

IOW< he's either planning on leaving you sometime in the future,

or he's planning on keeping things as is, (until you or OW won't do it anymore);

OR OPTION #3

he's undergoing a massive change of heart (and is hiding it well) and is secretly about to announce that he's selling the company to someone else ---
or hiring someone else to run it---
and you will be living together as h and wife, soon and for good....


Now...you tell me, what do YOU think the odds are, of option #3 being his?

And if it is #3, why would you insisting on having a real marriage, hurt the chances of a real reconciliation?

Don't you think he'd show you his cards if he senses a divorce is really happening AND he does not want it?

Don't buy into the "I would have come home but YOU divorced me right before I was about to change everything,

and now I'm so mad that i won't change so I'll show you..."

Aside from how "mature" that^^ is, it's also a high schooler's lie.

Anyone who knows what he has put you thru, knows you have the right to leave this situation and only a real jerk would think you don't.

If he has true remorse, AND IF he also wants to be married to you, (in a way you find acceptable), he will know what to do.

I think your fears are about being alone at your age and I understand that. MY fear is you will end up alone anyhow, but with a lot less security.

And if there is a part of him that wants YOU, then truly fearing the loss of you is what he needs to truly awaken.

Your present course of action (and more "standing' as it has been done so far) will not awaken him or it would have worked by now.

That's my .02

Sorry but that's how I see it.