Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Today was another okay day - some work, some shopping (polishing up the wardrobe and the apartment just a bit), and some cooking and relaxing doing things I like to do. On the whole, it's been nice, although I'm somewhat behind where I'd like to be in terms of work and really need some ways to buckle down and improve my focus.

I think that over the past few days I've been feeling more myself than I have for awhile now. It's been refreshing to just do what I want to do. It's also easier to identify what I need and want when I'm not tiptoeing around someone else or feeling the tension or resentment. I've even gotten into some new habits - doing all of the dishes before I go to bed, lighting candles in the evening (just stocked up on more today), and reading in bed before I go to sleep - nothing big, but it feels like it's making a difference and grounding my days a bit more.

There are, however, things that I'm struggling a bit with. There are still moments of remembering that H. may come back only to leave again. I'm still tempted to try to check his email sometimes to see when he switched his return ticket, and also to see if he has any others booked (I won't - if nothing else, my moral compass won't let me, and I don't know that I'd want to know anyway). That said, I'm finding it even harder to trust him after this latest thing.

I'm also still feeling freaked out about his online friend. If he's not seeing family or friends much, like he says, and not really out often or talking to me, he could be spending vast amounts of time with her online, maybe even in person if she's managed to get herself there. I can't know, though. I'm trying not to imagine the possibilities, and the thoughts creep in a lot less than they did before, but I don't love that they're still there. And yes, I kind of want to check his email around this too, but I won't. The same things are holding me back.

I did talk with two friends recently who've said that they've seen changes in me, particularly over the last few weeks. They're hard to see from my vantage point, but one friend has told me that I seem a lot more positive, confident, and independent, and that she's noticed that I've really worked on improving myself and getting out more. She thinks that it's made a difference for me and says I seem a lot happier and more comfortable in my own skin.

The other friend, who I talked to right after I got H.'s IM about pushing back his flight, later said that I was a lot more calm and rational dealing with the issue than I would have been even a few weeks before. Although I'm still emotional, he thinks I'm dealing with things a lot better and that my perspective has shifted. It was nice to get that validation and to know that, if nothing else, other people were seeing the changes.