Dan, Actually doing things without my h IS the 180. He was going out w/o me 1-3 times a week there for a while. I was constantly arranging my schedule around his. As you know, this gets tiring. I kept feeling like he was doing all of the "fun" stuff w/his friends and just laying around on the couch with me. Advice to me was to start doing my own thing, make Karen happy, and welcome him along. If he didn't come, ok. If so, great. So, I starting doing my own thing.
We DO spend a lot of time together. About 5 nights a week. I have been climbing on Mondays and h is invited to go out to din. after. He can't climb anymore b/c of physical probs. and that was REALLY hard for me b/c I thought of it as a major bonding thing. Tues. I play vball and a lot of the time we still eat din. together. Wed. he goes out with his friends a lot on his initiation. Thur. we are usually together and then at least Fri. or Sat. eve. together. Last week was a RARITY. Then Sunday, h usually plays w/remote control cars w/his friends and we have din. together. In the summer, we will bike together. We have decided that biking will be our new "thing" to do together. It was usually he that would go out on a Monday or Tuesday in addition to his Wed. and occassional Sat.
Again, a 180 for me was to tell him that I was going out first, rather than, like I said, only scrambling to find something to do when he wasn't going to be with ME. So, he said he was going out Sat., I said I was going out Fri. (i had made plans w/my cousin 2 weeks prior b/c we hardly ever spend time together.)
I was always inviting him to go places w/me, he would say no. Then when he would go out, it was just "the guys," and I wasn't invited.
YES, I initiate sex all the time! And I do just try to "jump him" w/o having a "plan." I got tired of being met with APATHY! Nothing like trying to have fun w/your spouse when he is too tired or depressed or not into me. I am the one who wants sex SEVERAL times a week, and I feel like if I wait for him, it will only happen once or twice a week.
I want to feel WANTED by him. If it very upsetting to feel like he doesn't care about sex. But, he is the one who is more concerned with our R and getting along. I just want to skip that part and have sex! I think he is crazy too for not wanting it more-he's just by far NOT a "typical guy!" He is much more sensitive and emotional, honest & caring. Not that other guys aren't those things, but my H has NEVER been one to be out just for sex. (I was!!!)
So, another 180 for me (advised by a coach here as well), was to quit initiating sex all the time and let him come to me. Well, I can never seem to wait that long, b/c days and days will go by. (ok, it's never been more than 6, but to me that is an eternity!!)
He says the big turn off is me crying all the time. Well, I'm trying to stop!! For some reason, I can't seem to get past this week and a half thing where things go well for a while, then I freak out.
And, a long time ago he said that he just isn't assertive/aggressive and he is shy and that he likes it when I initiate. (So, why not show it more?)
My big things are WOA and physical touch. I like to HEAR things. I would like to hear, "oh, this feels good, I'm sorry I'm not acting more excited, I'm just tired..." or something like that to give me an idea that he IS interested! Additionally, my C told him NOT to reassure me when I feel insecure as this will just feed the insecurity. So, now when I express feelings, I get very little compassion, and no WOA to help me feel better.
When did I say I thought I was "so good looking???"
I'm sorry-I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm just very frustrated. I keep going down the same frickin' cheeseless tunnel knowing that it doesn't work, and feeling left empty. I have just felt like I'm the one doing all of the r work. However, as you said, he does things HIS way-he shows his love w/HIS LL. He does a lot of housework, and always wants to get along while we are together. (Quality time)
I guess I am just selfish for wanting him to show my love in MY LL's. And continually ASKING for that is NOT working!!!
His family is not very big on affection and WOA. H keeps telling me that he WANTS to give me these things, but that he needs time and needs for me to give to him first. Well, I get too impatient and want what I want now and have no faith that I will get what I want in return. However, it is not really about what we "get" but, I just haven't gotten that yet.
My mom taught me that if a man wants to have sex w/me, that he LIKES me. Therefore, if my h doesn't want to have sex on a given day, he doesn't LIKE me!
Does anyone here believe that the devil will tell us lies to destroy our m? Sometimes I think that maybe if I believed that and trusted God more, that I might be able to beat this thing.
Can anyone respond to this this morn? I've already spent the last half hour crying and I need to get out of this funk.
