Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

So, the day after I give her a call. And she txt's back that she can't talk right now because she is too emotional.

I respond back saying I can understand that, and that I am pretty emotional too right now. I told her that I am trying to be kind, that we have caused each other enough pain, and we don't have to do it anymore.

I told her that I want to be kind to each other, and I believe we can do that. (The topic of me bringing her bunny out with me instead of her sending it to the breeder was what we were talking about).

I told her that I was being compassionate and kind for me. That I am tired of hurting, tired of being resentful, tired of being angry. That I want to be that happy kind of person, not someone consumed by divorce.

I told her we can be friendly and still be apart. We can do kind things for each other and still have separate lives. We can do this for ourselves, and also the kids.

(this above was all in txt in the morning). She did not reply, but I am sure she read it.

Later that evening, I gave her a call. We ended up talking for 44 minutes, it actually went really good. She expressed a bit of her frustration and fears of me "pretending" to change, her taking me back and then a month later being in the same pattern.

I responded by telling her the truth. I haven't mentioned this for a couple months now, but I did tell her that I still love her, that I will always love her, that I've talked to people who have gone down this road 15 years ago, and they still love their ex's.

I told her I wanted to still live apart. While I am open to the idea of reconciliation, I need more time and space to work on me, and I need to see that some of the changes she is making are permanent too.

I told her that this has been the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and that there have been days of sadness, despair and pain. That for the past 4-6 weeks or so I have been working through things, and finding myself. That I am still in that process and I need time. That I don't want to slip back into our old patterns.

I was using some better communication methods of acknowledging her feelings ("I can see how you feel that way"). I was just being open and honest. I was being a bit vulnerable. I was demonstrating empathy.

I also took a huge risk, I told her that if I was in her position (hot blonde surrounded by male options) that I probably would have broken down and hid in someone else's arms for a while. That I would have wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be all right. I wasn't giving her an excuse, I just acknowledged how hard it is.

I did also follow up with the fact, that not falling into someone else's arms was the best thing for me. It helped me find strength in myself vs others. That I am glad I didn't because I would just become dependent on someone else.

So, yes. I broke a bunch of the rules yesterday. For the first time W was open about some of her feelings, and expressed why she was angry (a little bit) vs just being angry about something.

We actually had a dialogue about a couple things, which for her is epic. She normally just bottles stuff up and expresses anger.

Now I am going to go back to the rules. I am not going to pursue. I am going to be kind and compassionate, though aside from transporting her bunny with me and my son to Tx I am not going to go out of my way to do anything for her.

Sandi2 nailed it. She doesn't want me to do anything, she is avoiding me. I agree she does feel pursued. I am just going to continue taking care of my boy and myself. That's all I can do.