Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[25yearsmlc]

well done Barry, for a crazy week, you survived and had some victories. Sometimes getting thru the week IS the victory.

You sound good. So you know, at your age I began to realize a lot of life was "work"...I mean, it's obvious but it really wasn't that clear to me until I had my "dream job" (turns out no such thing!) AND was happily married and had kids.

I realized OMG life is hard! Where is the "ME" time? (What's that?) But as you learn to enjoy these mini victories you come to realize that savoring these and then really being in the moment with your kids, or your loved ones, is KEY to enjoying life.

You're getting that from soccer, and that's how it can be with family life too. It really is the little things that add up to being the big things.

Also a dear friend of mine whom I greatly respect, has urged me to get that ACT book and check it out for DBers. I'm glad you liked it and I will be reading it soon.

Kudos to you for taking your w's advice and being open to discussing is. Remember to LISTEN like man who just got his first hearing aids...(does that line work?)

IMO, I would strongly suggest you Hold off baby talk until you both have had time to FEEL COMFORTABLE with each other.

No marriage isn't thrown off balance by a new baby, even a planned one. I was told when I was about to have our first child, not to judge the marriage by how we felt the first year.

That was great advice.

And we were in a wonderful place when we had our son,maritally speaking although professionally I was still in law school and h had just entered medical school so that timing aspect was lousy. But we made it.

Having a child is a lot harder than you think, however. Even though it's also more wonderful, it's just way more demanding and unrelentingly so. The physical part surprised me b/c my mom had 9 kids and never mentioned how exhausting pregnancy was OR what an ordeal giving birth is. I had a natural birth, but I felt really zonked out physically for a few weeks. Not to mention the other changes that came.

Thus, I'd urge you to wait on that til you are more financially stable for sure, (b/c she will feel pulled to stay at home if she is like 90% of new moms)

and maritally stable.

But you can daydream all you want. (I never understood my h's fears of daydreaming. I'd dream out loud about a "dream vacation" and h would always say things like "We can't afford THAT" and I'd be thinking "no kidding, but can I TALK about it??" As if I didn't know we couldn't take a hot air balloon across the country... But sure, talking about babies IS fun, and helps you both iron out small issues ahead of time. While things are calm and agreeable and fun to discuss, which is not the case when the baby is on the way! Then the pressure is really on and every little annoying thing a spouse does, become a terrifying red flag of warning...

Otherwise, on the whole you sound really circumspect and smart and healthy. Well done.

Good luck with your w's job search. Reassure her that SHE will do well and find something she likes, eventually, but DO remember that women want men to be good providers and protectors (even if our feminist friends don't admit hearing us say that) .

So reassure her that YOU will there for her and you guys will make it "no matter what" and help her feel safe with you. Let her lean on your shoulder if she needs that.

You want her leaning on YOU, not anyone else so that means you have to provide the shoulder for her.

Make sense?