Just got off the phone with the DB coach. Gameplan going forward:
1. Lay off any and all thoughts about talking to her friends/family in order to provide them "my perspective". If I feel they're getting a twisted, one-sided story from my WAW, then so be it. Any attempts to intervene will backfire.
2. Continue 180s and detachment. Much progress has been made here and I need to simply stay on course and minimize any further setbacks.
3. Do not encourage "family time" with the kids. Let her be the one to bring it up. Do not force it on her in any way. BUT do not prevent it! You want her to have something to miss, and you pouting or shutting her out, is not what she'd miss.
4. Do not even think about dating other women at this point. ^^^For so many reasons, AMEN.
5. Let child custody/relocation situation between OM and OMW run its course. Just sit back and be patient. Best case scenario is that things come crashing down on his side of the fence and the affair ends. Do not try to snoop into their relationship (do not contact OMW) or try to intervene in any way.
Actually there are a lot of reasons for you to stay out of their sandbox, including how wrong it is for you to do at all.
NO one appointed you judge and jury and executioner and I'm stunned that you never told us before how you interfered with all this. IT's a startling omission and it's a telling one.
I think you do this a lot, "don't mention something" b/c you know we'll disapprove. How much of that "lying by omission" did you do or do you still do, inside the marriage?
Also, the LAST thing you want is for another family to come "Crashing down" on his side of the fence. What next for him and his family, bankruptcy?
I would think the best thing for YOU, (selfishly thinking now) would be for OM to realize the error of his ways and to make things work WITH HIS WIFE and to have his family remain intact. That also happens to be what is best for others...
The only "good" thing to come out, if his family comes crashing down on him is revenge and that's NOT good.
It just appeals to you...which means you have yet more work to do at a deep level.
Are you a spiritual person? How are you with your faith these days?
I know you said shame is not useful and it's not.
But when you bring the A up to your w as you so often do, which is to shame her although you say "it's to make her think" as if there is a difference, (AND of course its another double standard b/c you let yourself do things you condemn her for doing,) = you don't want shame used on YOU but you are willing to try and inflict it upon your w.
So you are using it as a tool of punishment' - and it's only now are you seeing that even when you make her feel like crap,
it's not worth it b/c she does not then run to you; She runs FROM you.
Maybe that's the only way to get you to stop doing it for now and then later on when you evolve and grow, you'll see the other reasons we are pointing out.
Be the best man YOU can become and let that be enough. No more trying to manipulate outcomes or control others. Let God do that.
It's not your job and it never was, and it never worked anyhow. Stay in your sandbox b/c you have enough sand to work with there.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
