Myrrh, You called PamC wise and she disqualified the +. Sheesh, why can't you all just believe that you are WISE as heck??? (Especially with all of our heads put together!)
Last night was fun & crazy. Boy did I feel germy after being there, though! (No, I do not have OCD, but you know that feeling of "everyone/every kid has been touchy these games w/their grimy little hands"?)
My sis & BIL were cordial w/me. (They quit talking to H & me almost 3 years ago b/c we did not use her as our real estate agent.) But, I have always at the least been invited to my nephews' bday parties. H is not! They think that he "influenced" me... W!
So, went home and took a bath. H got home, said FIL is in hospital. He got a "cold" and has asthma, so he ended up having an asthma attack. I got on my soapbox: Asthmatics are NOT regular people!!! This is why I run to the dr. when I got sick! (the same thing happened to me 4 years ago-will never try to "tough out" a cold/sinus infection). So, I tried to put on my compassionate hat. Hung w/h, went to bed, spooned...
Called MIL this morn. & talked to her for a little while. I still am having a hard time with her. Guess I'm holding a grudge from xmas, and she always give us this "haven't heard from you all week" guilt trip if we don't call HER. Like she doesn't have fingers??? H visits about once a week. I don't always go-they have 10 cats-wheeze wheeze. But, still, it feels like nails on a chalkboard to me and it makes me want to talk to her LESS. (Guess this is what it's like to be on the other side of controlling!)
H is coming up north for din. for co-worker's bday of mine. This is good. +++ He's becoming more social. (& it helps when I don't coddle him for "being shy.") He used to not want to be around me & my co-workers b/c he thought we would just talk about stuff he doesnt' know about. I said that I don't know about this & that either, and NO, that's not what we talk about all night!
I don't know what is going to happen this weekend since we were supposed to celebrate his dad's bday...
Last night H got stuck at work a little late. By the time he got home he didn't want to take a shower and come meet me for din./bday party for my friend. I was being understanding, but I felt a little disappointed.
I called him as I was leaving and he said that he, his aunt &friend, mom, and his cousin from out of town were going to din. He would call me when he knew where they were going. I met them there. H was being tired in general and not very talkative on the phone earlier.
We went home, I had horrible indegestion, and he said his back was really hurting from work. SO, again, I just let him be, was compassionate (I think), we went to bed, I gave him a kiss or 2 and he fell asleep almost immediately!
This morn we both woke up early. I asked if he was mad at me for something and he said, "no, why?" I just told him he seemed a little distant. I was really trying to not take it personally, figure he's in pain, tired...So, mentally I tried to remove myself from being the victim and initiated . It was fine, we snuggled some, but I still got this feeling he needed space or something??? So, I backed off, he got ready and went to work.
I get really insecure in this situation, but felt much better about it last night & this morn. Typically, I would get mad at him (in my head), express disappointment, assume that he wasn't interested in me, think he is lazy and not putting effort into our r, etc. But, I really tried to de-personalize it and be ok with it. Not exactly how I want to spend Friday eve, but we were TOGETHER. He could have been out w/the guys, etc.
Focus on that one. Be patient and consistent and understanding; all of which you are doing. We guys need understanding too. I know you've read Mars/Venus, but read it again. I'm really seeing things with me and in your case, right out of the book.
Ok Karen I have read the post now. I'll offer my insight. I am a combination of both you and your H. I enjoy sex way more than W but I am also very reserved in other areas of my life like your H.
with that said. I see a lot of things that have jumped out at me in your thread. 1. You two seem to do a lot of things without each other. it seems that you two are married but living on parallel lines instead of joining to make one line. 2. I get the sense from your what you have said that your H is like me and really enjoys spending time with you at home snuggling. It seems that you make plans and then he makes plans because you ask him if he is going out? Doesn't make much sense to me. I get the feeling from reading your thread that he does enjoy spending time with you, but (now this is just my take) it seems like he doesn't feel number one in your life. It seems that the two of you do very little together and that you seem to be going out almost every night of the week. I get the sense from what you have said about your H is that sometimes he just feels like relaxing at home as you said that sometimes he has made plans and then decides to stay at home. Have you ever thought of canceling plans when you hear that he is staying home to go be with him. 3. It seems like whenever you do something it is always with a club, or uncle, or family etc. I get the sense that he feels you two don't do enough things together. It also sounds like he is afraid that when you go out that something will go wrong, ie judmental behavior or him doing something that you won't like. 4. As for the sex thing. hey lets be real here if someone is wanting to have sex as much as you a guy would be crazy to not want it, especially if you are as good looking as you say. So what is the problem? I think it is pretty simple. Sex every Sunday night????? what the hell is that. Have you ever just jumped his bones for no reason? There is no planning sex, make it adventuresome. make it fun. Last time I checked it was not a job. 5. Like I said it really sounds like your H likes to spend time with you doing things with just you, i know in my M i have enjoyed the times just me and W have done things alone. When was the last time you did something for him. Bought him a small gift just out of the blue. Taken time to just be with him, in a quite way. I think you expect too much from him in ways that he cannot give. have you read the 5LL's. I honestly think he has felt he has showed you how much he cares, but you don't understand what he is doing to show you and he is withdrawin from R, because of it. I know I misunderstood what my W needed, and vice versa. I always heard well you have no feelings, well trust me on this one we really do have feelings and sometimes they are more fragile than a woman's. Men are pretty much raised to not show emotion and breaking that habit is very hard.
Have you taken a look at his family from a very honest perspective. What was his family like when he was growing up. how did they show affection. You say your mom taught you to use sex as a way to express your feelings. (which is always a good way) However have you really looked at his family. Maybe they used alone time together or some other technique that you need to identify and then maybe you will understand him better.
A M is two people being actively involved with each others lives. Like I said earlier, it seems that you two are two parallel lines that will never cross each other. The only way I see things changing is for one of you to start angling towrd the other person. Only when your lines truly join will you understand each other.
I don't get the sense that he is crazy, I just think you have fallen into the M trap, of not being involved with each other's lives. I am sorry this so long, but since I hadn't posted to you just wanted to give you my thoughts on your sitch. I will keep up with you.
I know you follow Bwriter's thread. i would like to make you the same challenge as I did to him. Do you feel what you are doing right now is working for you. Why not take 1 month and do a complete 180. If you normally go out with FF, change and do it with him. I truly feel he wants to spend more time with you, but needs some help from you.
If you will do this challenge and honestly post things you are doing different on here then we will be able to try to help you in a more in depth way. B has made great progress since he started doing it.
so what do you say. 1 month of 180 and daily inputs, Honest Inputs.
Wow, dan14 has some INSIGHT !!! Wow! Can I borrow him? LOL
You are making progress, Karen. I know how it feels...like pulling teeth. I want everything to just come together and be perfect right NOW. Unfortunately...it's only by living it and taking the time, that we really LEARN. The lessons really sink in and we truely get the knowledge they hold. Hang in there! I'll be your cheerleader any time you need me to. Take care. Debi
Dan, Actually doing things without my h IS the 180. He was going out w/o me 1-3 times a week there for a while. I was constantly arranging my schedule around his. As you know, this gets tiring. I kept feeling like he was doing all of the "fun" stuff w/his friends and just laying around on the couch with me. Advice to me was to start doing my own thing, make Karen happy, and welcome him along. If he didn't come, ok. If so, great. So, I starting doing my own thing.
We DO spend a lot of time together. About 5 nights a week. I have been climbing on Mondays and h is invited to go out to din. after. He can't climb anymore b/c of physical probs. and that was REALLY hard for me b/c I thought of it as a major bonding thing. Tues. I play vball and a lot of the time we still eat din. together. Wed. he goes out with his friends a lot on his initiation. Thur. we are usually together and then at least Fri. or Sat. eve. together. Last week was a RARITY. Then Sunday, h usually plays w/remote control cars w/his friends and we have din. together. In the summer, we will bike together. We have decided that biking will be our new "thing" to do together. It was usually he that would go out on a Monday or Tuesday in addition to his Wed. and occassional Sat.
Again, a 180 for me was to tell him that I was going out first, rather than, like I said, only scrambling to find something to do when he wasn't going to be with ME. So, he said he was going out Sat., I said I was going out Fri. (i had made plans w/my cousin 2 weeks prior b/c we hardly ever spend time together.)
I was always inviting him to go places w/me, he would say no. Then when he would go out, it was just "the guys," and I wasn't invited.
YES, I initiate sex all the time! And I do just try to "jump him" w/o having a "plan." I got tired of being met with APATHY! Nothing like trying to have fun w/your spouse when he is too tired or depressed or not into me. I am the one who wants sex SEVERAL times a week, and I feel like if I wait for him, it will only happen once or twice a week.
I want to feel WANTED by him. If it very upsetting to feel like he doesn't care about sex. But, he is the one who is more concerned with our R and getting along. I just want to skip that part and have sex! I think he is crazy too for not wanting it more-he's just by far NOT a "typical guy!" He is much more sensitive and emotional, honest & caring. Not that other guys aren't those things, but my H has NEVER been one to be out just for sex. (I was!!!)
So, another 180 for me (advised by a coach here as well), was to quit initiating sex all the time and let him come to me. Well, I can never seem to wait that long, b/c days and days will go by. (ok, it's never been more than 6, but to me that is an eternity!!)
He says the big turn off is me crying all the time. Well, I'm trying to stop!! For some reason, I can't seem to get past this week and a half thing where things go well for a while, then I freak out.
And, a long time ago he said that he just isn't assertive/aggressive and he is shy and that he likes it when I initiate. (So, why not show it more?)
My big things are WOA and physical touch. I like to HEAR things. I would like to hear, "oh, this feels good, I'm sorry I'm not acting more excited, I'm just tired..." or something like that to give me an idea that he IS interested! Additionally, my C told him NOT to reassure me when I feel insecure as this will just feed the insecurity. So, now when I express feelings, I get very little compassion, and no WOA to help me feel better.
When did I say I thought I was "so good looking???"
I'm sorry-I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm just very frustrated. I keep going down the same frickin' cheeseless tunnel knowing that it doesn't work, and feeling left empty. I have just felt like I'm the one doing all of the r work. However, as you said, he does things HIS way-he shows his love w/HIS LL. He does a lot of housework, and always wants to get along while we are together. (Quality time)
I guess I am just selfish for wanting him to show my love in MY LL's. And continually ASKING for that is NOT working!!!
His family is not very big on affection and WOA. H keeps telling me that he WANTS to give me these things, but that he needs time and needs for me to give to him first. Well, I get too impatient and want what I want now and have no faith that I will get what I want in return. However, it is not really about what we "get" but, I just haven't gotten that yet.
My mom taught me that if a man wants to have sex w/me, that he LIKES me. Therefore, if my h doesn't want to have sex on a given day, he doesn't LIKE me!
Does anyone here believe that the devil will tell us lies to destroy our m? Sometimes I think that maybe if I believed that and trusted God more, that I might be able to beat this thing.
Can anyone respond to this this morn? I've already spent the last half hour crying and I need to get out of this funk.
I wish I could help but I am so far behind in my sitch, and in a funk today too. I MISS ML with my wife. Every day. I am upset over myself that I let it get to this point. The less we ML'd the more I missed it and the more needy I got and the more she pulled back.
I'm in a funk to. Must be a case of the mondays
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
. It was fine, we snuggled some, but I still got this feeling he needed space or something??? So, I backed off, he got ready and went to work. 
However have you really looked at his family. Maybe they used alone time together or some other technique that you need to identify and then maybe you will understand him better.
