I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[25yearsmlc]

I am Not disagreeing with Wonka, but JUST so I know I'm not confusing you with another poster, DB, didn't she threaten a restraining order or something like that if you didn't leave her alone? Weren't you pursuing the crap out of her before?

What exactly happened when you chased her around or called/texted 100 times to "just say" yet another "I'm sorry"?

Now, I MAY disagree with Wonka's timing.

I fear If you try too soon to "open up dialogue", she may regret saying anything to you, which is why I'm so reluctant to advise you to make contact out of this. See, I don't believe she was trying to open up dialogue;

I think she was sending out a heartfelt olive branch that says, in effect,

"you are very screwed up, you hurt me DEEPLY, but I don't think you are evil incarnate, and I do wish you well".

She probably does have hopes you will become the man she hoped for, and she MAY have hopes that you will THEN contact her but even IF that is true,

those hopes are wrapped in & surrounded by fears of being deeply wounded again, and a sense of rage at being so unfairly hurt.

To the point where she probably fears she'll never really trust another man again, or fears that she could never get past this, with you,

plus she has to wonder why you would NOT cheat again - if you are unsatisfied with the sex life. Did she even know how you felt then?

***(BTW< did you ever tell her you were not satisfied sexually, or that you wanted to do other things?

OR are you saying the fact that your "best favorite sex" was with women you did not deeply care for, is something you want to change about yourself? ---

Btw, I think this^^ is extremely important. In the long run, if it's not addressed, I can't see how you or any woman could trust you to be faithful.

So Why not DO the work she is hoping for, rather than talking about it Again?

Why not DO IT, and THEN touch bases with her?

Won't she believe in it, a hell of a lot more if more time passes?

Since you both seem to agree that you were a bit of a chronic liar/cheat, how can she believe that you'd fix decades of that, in just a few weeks?

Isn't it more credible (and more likely true) if you work on it for months/years?

I'm not telling you to wait years

(though I wish I could advise you to wait a year. In that time I'd urge you to work your butt off on yourself, as that is what I believe you need to do.

I simply don't think it's advice you will follow).

but a week seems way too early for her to believe in any changes.

Now, if you want to say in a week's time, THAT you are working on making those changes and you have just started to dig deep, working on the things she mentioned (NOT that you have fixed them & are all better now, AND it is safe for her to see you again) but that you are just thanking her for her support, knowing you have plenty of work to do, and then leaving it at that,

-- that's another story.

Is that something you could pull off?

Is it really possible that if you see her, you will be able to keep it together and NOT pounce?

I fear that you will go in for more and blow it, b/c that is consistently what you have done so far.

I think it's best for you to maintain as much distance as you can at this time,
in order for:

1) your changes to take place; genuinely, AND

2) for your changes to sink in to last; AND

3) for anyone to believe in them being real & lasting.

Make sense?