lost and desperate

[25yearsmlc]

So, the car seat thing...

Car seats of some kind ARE required for children up to 85 lbs and 4'9" tall in my state. My daughter is 52 lbs and 4' tall so she NEEDS a car seat.

I never said a word to him BUT he took her to karate today and when I got home told me that he put the car seat back in his car. He told me about the other morning where he didn't have the car seat and then said, "I just didn't want you to think I was making a habit out of carting our kid around with no consideration for her safety." I said, "oh, ok. Thanks for installing the seat back in your car." D.o.n.e. See? Resolved itself and I'm glad I STFU. Trust him. My new motto.


YAY!!!


25, I want to go through your response line by line with my notebook because you always give me so much to think about and a perspective I hadn't considered before. Thank you though. I will call EE and look further into that. I can do introspection but I struggle with really digging deep. I'm sure I'd get a lot out if it.

Introspection is great, but the "experiential" aspects of EE and the continuity one gets from working straight thru a weekend, instead of weekly sessions that can make our progress so fragmented, is a real advantage of weekend workshops.

On a separate note, h found an apartment. This makes me sad BUT my DB coach suggested I look for the small glimmering signs of positivity so I'm choosing to look at these:

1). He picked an apartment over the condo and house he was looking at BECAUSE he CAN break the lease if need be on the apt but he can't on the house or condo. I choose to see this as a sign that I'm confusing him because he's seeing promise in me but truly it's way too soon for him to trust my changes and I'm realistic about that. Just the idea that he's considering the length of the lease speaks volumes to me.

2). He said he did NOT pick the house or condo because he'd "have to buy all new appliances and that'd be awful if there's any possibility of my coming home after a few months". Ding, ding, ding!!

I'm not being delusional, right? These are real positives, right? Sure, he's moving out and I'd rather he stay but realistically he's working on himself, I'm working on myself and space to do that never hurt anyone, right? PMA!


You are not being delusional. I see his comments as positives, absolutely. And if he changed his mind to come home this fast, I would not trust that he really believes he has worked on himself or that you have worked on you enough.

The chance of you reverting to old behaviors is, imo, LESS if you two take a break. I think he believes that too. As long as you see him once a week, it'll be easier (not harder) for him to notice your changes b/c you will NOT have ANY negative images to support his departure.

You will be contrasting his negative images with positive data he'll get from the interactions you two have, which will be easier for you to manage, by not having to be the new improve perfect you, 24/7 right away. Solidify your changes so when you two are together, you don't backslide. I think it's easier to make AND to notice changes in our spouses when we are not together ever minute.

Maybe it's just my PMA talking but it worked for me, and I think you have no choice now anyhow, so CHOOSE a PMA b/c it cannot hurt and it may be the positive difference you need.


On Monday I'm going to SF to visit my BFF who just gave birth to her first baby. I'm photographing the baby and family and playing "auntie" for 6 full days!! H gains access to his new rental apt on Tuesday while I'm gone so he said he'd move some stuff in while d is at camp during the day. We agreed NOT to talk to d until my return. I'm really anxious and sad about that. I really wished we could have avoided having to tell her (because in my wish, h wouldn't be moving out) but she's pretty astute so we really need to talk with her. Any advice in this area. I'm physically ill just thinking about it.


The advice we got from a family therapist was to stress to her what would NOT change in HER life, despite you two living apart. First off, she's not moving, right? And since you are NOT discussing divorce at this time, you do not tell her you are. You say you are "taking a break to work on getting along better" (Which is also true). "No one is talking about a divorce now".

And tell her if she's staying in the same school, neighborhood, church, that those things are STILL the same. Maybe the only difference is that "Daddy has an apartment now", but you are "Still a family". Be clear about when her dad will for sure see her (and then add times if it allows but make darn sure he IS available when dates are given in advance).

And don't fall apart. A lot of how she feels will mirror how YOU act. My attitude would be "concerned, but cautiously optimistic".

You are concerned b/c you know you Do have a lot of things to work on and you take it seriously, you are cautious for those reasons too. But you are also optimistic, b/c you feel you have already made some inroads and had some valuable insights, AND you Do have the desire to change.

If your h isn't closed minded to it, if he remains open to the chance that you two can repair your r, then it's a really important opportunity to become a close, happily m couple. Without this crisis and this change and all this effort, that probably would never have happened...

I talk to my DB coach on Saturday. This talk with d is consuming my thoughts but I'm trying to focus on enjoying myself while visiting my bestie.

I did something today that I've never done before. H said he'd pick d up from camp, feed her dinner and take her to karate. Normally I stick around to mentally double check and make sure he's where he needs to be on time and that he hasn't forgotten anything, etc. today, I packed up and read in the bookstore for FOUR hours, found a cafe and at dinner alone then hit Sprinkles cupcakes and brought some home. I have never just disappeared like that but in keeping with my 180, I knew h could handle anything that came his way so I let it go. I also GAL!! Two birds, one stone! Hurray for me!!

That is impressive!!! You know I wonder what your "pay off" was before when you micro managed everything. Hmm, needing to feel crucial? I doubt it was intentionally disrespectful to your h, but idk, was it intentional?

I think it was more about you wanting to feel vitally important AND OR b/c you have a strong need to be in control of things.

Did you say your childhood was chaotic? I tend to find more women who are controlling, come from homes where they had no control over what happened to them growing up...

no excuse, just a question about why, in the first place. IF you can identify what the pay off was or why the "need" for such mega management, you might find it easier to drop it off at the "Goodwill" b/c it's not serving you well anymore.

Food for thought. All in all, WELL DONE. You are not spending time defending your self and you are identifying things you must work on, pretty fast. You might turn this thing around.

And even if, by some chance, you don't, you're still so much better off not taking on the chores of the world. YOU will be happier after this ordeal, no matter what.

You will be a better woman for all this. No small thing.