I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[25yearsmlc]

Say NOTHING today. Wait a day or two to thank your friends and family and send her a private BRIEF message that asks her for NOTHING.

Do you get that? You do not pounce on this! You do not seek anything for yourself. You simply thank her and say something like "I know I have a lot of work to do but I"m glad to do it, finally. Thank you for your words of support; it means a lot to me."

NO more apologizing (til much later, in person, IF & when the time is right) and do NOT make a public statement.

That's already been discussed as a BS "amends" that is self serving for YOU and will embarrass her MORE.

Don't unload at her expense, deal with your guilt without making a public show of your humility, which is not true humility anyhow.

Do you get this? Her words to you are a gift, NOT to be used for your obvious gain. Just thank her privately and drop it.

I assume her message to you was private? Then keep yours the same way.

She's NOT asking you for a public response! She is not opening the door for you to go thru it now. You can accept her words as they are written and hope they mean what she says but she has NOT said "call me" and she has NOT said she forgives you and she has NOT said "contact me and now I am thinking of taking you back"

She has simply allowed SOME good feelings and thoughts of you, to return and that is NOT something you want to stop or squash down. And those good feelings and memories resurfacing, will STOP on a dime, if you try to gain something now.

Take this as a positive movement that you do NOT BLOW...you DO what she's advising about your therapy and in a few months (like AT LEAST 3-4 months) we can help you MAYBE drop her a quick note about some insight maybe.

THEN SEE what she does with that. NOT NOW. IT's too soon. You want her to wonder about your progress and to see a CHANGE in you --which is you not pouncing on this...and then to ponder how you are evolving, which you'll address in a few months...AFTER more growth.

Do you get this?

HOLY MOLY!!!!! She just wrote me a Happy Birthday message. What do I say?!?!?! I need some advice and wisdom on how not to F this up like every other communication we've had these last few months.

Because every time she has shown an INCH of progress, you have asked for a mile, so she has pushed you away so you won't EXPECT more.

Stop making this about what YOU want and do not attach any expectations to your reply. The fastest way for you to blow this, is to try to squeeze more out of this. Do not do that.

Let her see that you took in her words without asking for something more.


Let her see a CHANGE in you, (which is what you not asking for more, would be.)
That is a 180.



She writes:

"Hey,

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you have been a rough time these past few months, just as I have. I hope you will be celebrating with friends or classmates. I’m heading up to Sacramento to celebrate with my dad - he turns 75 today.

I was telling myself I had let go of the things that happened with us, but surprisingly I’ve just been getting more angry about it lately. I guess I hadn’t had the time to really process it yet, given how busy I’ve been with work and school. I was in a really good place in my life when I met you... I had done so much work on myself and was ready to meet my life partner. But here I am, two years later, trying to repair and rebuild. So many steps backward. A bummer of a place to be in, to say the least.

^^^This is her saying you pushed back all her personal work, and depressed the hell out of her.


I’m not even really sure what to say at this point, except that I do recognize that you have probably been going through a very rough time yourself and I don’t believe you ever intended to hurt me. I hope your work with Greg has helped you understand how your actions affect those around you, the people who are loving you and trusting you. I realized a while back that I couldn’t make you understand how you hurt me -- I can only hope you are able to come to that realization yourself, and will remember it before making decisions to be deceitful in the future.

IN TIME this^^ is the realization you will need to truly make and she will NOT believe you have made it yet no matter what you SAY now. Do not bother telling her "I get it NOW! Come back!" That is more of the same you!

But what you DO, might make her believe it later on.....IN TIME.....so be careful not to push for more. IT's crucial that you get this.

I also hope that your therapy work is helping you to resolve the things that have plagued you emotionally for much of your life. I still believe you have a good heart and I hope you are able to overcome those issues and coping behaviors that prevent you from loving yourself. You have a lot to offer the world and if you can find a way to let love in, I’m sure you can achieve anything you want in life.


that is the hope YOU have as well, but again, say nothing of this^^ NOW.

I hope school and work are going well for you. May the coming year bring you peace and happiness."

What do I say?!?!

You say nothing to her today. You reflect on what you will PRIVATELY tell her in a day or two. NO RUSH. Really, there is no reason to rush this.


You thank all your friends/peeps for their wishes and say something like how they are "the best" and that you were touched and humbled and don't go into more detail. Your friends don't want to hear a big speech anyhow.

AND Do NOT make a public apology (and read my other message to you about why you should NOT do that if you start wavering). IT's crucial you do NOT make this public. Take the advice you are getting here.

That's so important. In my opinion if you do make a grand public apology, after all the advice you have gotten NOT to do that, you will lose her forever.