Here's the deal: H & I never combined checking accounts b/c he believes that keeping our money separate will cause less probs. So, he earns 20% more than I do and pays about 30% of the bills. Make sense?
We both have just been paying on our own bills. We both have debt, a car payment (cheap-$150).
Subtract the utilities that we pay and excluding our debt/car pyment/etc., H has about $10000 more expendable money than I do a year.
H buys whatever he wants, eats out for lunch everyday. I struggle, pack my lunch a lot...
Last year we got mtn. bikes-his is a year newer and one upgrade. Now, we're looking for road bikes-he wants current year one upgrade. He calls and says he found one for me-last year's model, one downgrade from his. Ok, am I supposed to be happy about this? We've talked about this money sit., how I feel like we are not a "team." He decided that it was going to be this way; there was no discussion. When I have brought it up, he says that he thinks this way works and that if I were the one w/more money it wouldn't be a prob. Well, yeah! It's not that I WANT his money, but I would NEVER let him struggle if I made more money than he did.
So, what do I say? We are supposed to be saving for Las Vegas in September. I don't think I can "ask" for money. I don't know...I just don't know...I feel like writing him an email saying that I just can't do this right now and that if he wants to pursue this, than to go ahead. Does that sound guilt-inspiring? He may say, "i'll give you money at it will be an early bday present." uck...or, "if things were better, I'd help you more financially." uck again.
What do I do? I want to be able to keep up with him on the cycles b/c (well, i am competitive) he says that he needs to ride with people that he feels challenged with...and that he hates to leave me behind even tho I say "go ahead-bfd, you'll get back to the parking lot 15 min. before me..."
I am writing this because I'm afraid if I try to say it in person, I will get emotional.
I am not sure if I want to pursue this road-bike endeavor at this time. I want to be able to save for Las Vegas and to continue putting 5% of my salary into our retirement fund. Furthermore, you want to be challenged when you ride. If you have a bike that is a lot better than mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up. I don't want to have to buy a year or two old bike that won't have the improved features that yours does.
If you want to buy a road bike and ride with other people, I will understand.
I'm a cyclist and I have the same scene here. I haven't had a new bike in sixteen years, my H has spent many thousands on bikes and gear in our ten year marriage. I use a bike for transport - take my eight year old around in the child seat, bring home the shopping with it. I don't have a car. My H hasn't had a bike which can even take a rack or child seat for over a year.... it's a performance bike!!!!
Why don't you suggest to your H if he needs a challenge, that he makes sure he has a bike MUCH worse than yours, preferably rusty and bent out of shape... He should find it a challenge keeping up with you on your state of the art machine!! LOL!! Just kidding!!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Seems to me that this whole R thing is a 50 50 deal. so even if your money is seperate that doesn't mean that one should suffer while the other lives it up.
I understand your emotions over this. I read the letter and well.... felt icky. Both because of the subject matter and because of what you were saying.
I don't know that I have a better solution, other than how could you handle as a 180? Maybe when he suggests buying new bikes ask him for his help on how you can accomplish all the really important things you have in mind financially. As well as being able to share something that is fun for both of you.
Maybe just saying I would really like a model like you are looking at but I can't afford it. And leaving it at that.
H called me before I left work. I asked if he was going home. He asked why, I said b/c I sent him an email. He asked what was going on? Or what does this have to do with? I said the bike thing. He asked what about it, I said money...I was getting choked up. He said, this isn't anything to get upset about. I said that I knew that. (I just CRY at the drop of a hat, ok???) So, I took a moment and said I'd read the em to him. He asked why I couldn't just talk to him. I said b/c I get emo.
He was VERY understanding and WHAT??? COMPASSIONATE!!! He said that he thought this was going to be "our new thing" and that he didn't want to do it w/other people b/c he knew that would be a bone of contention. He offered to help with the money. We came up with a figure. I asked if he expected this to be paid back. NO!!! WoW!! (he pretty much ordered a bike today!)
So, we hang up, I get home, TALK some more. He asked again why it was hard to talk to him. I said b/c I get emo., you get defensive, I freak out, you get angry and it goes on and on...I said that he thinks just b/c he sees tears that I'm going to attack him. He said that isn't true. (W!)
I told him that I knew I was getting too upset, but listened to what I was telling myself and changed my stinkin' thinkin' before i wrote the em. I told him I was making some ASSumptions. He said what? That he would do this w/o me. I said, no that you'll do it BETTER than me!
He also had a misconception (and admitted it and APOLOGIZED-WHAT???) that I wasn't all that interested in componentry. I said that yes I am, just that I was relying on him b/c he was doing all the research. I said, I've asked you what's the diff. b/t this bike and that and you say, the componentry. (Well, DUH!) He said he didn't think I was interested in details. I said I've asked him stuff about his truck and he is vague. He asked if I would understand. I said you can use layman's terms and i'm NOT stupid. etc., etc...
Oh, and he asked how I could think that he doesn't care about my $ sit. He says he knows it's hard and didn't he pay a couple little bills for me, offer to transfer my cc balance to his lower % cc, and make suggestions on how to fix sit. Um...yeah...you did...
We go to liv. room, finish up and he holds out his arms to hug me. He said, see isn't that easy? He went out to din. w/friend, I'm going to vball. Uh oh, almost time to go!
thanks for being here-my foam pad to fall onto when I can't hold on anymore. karen
WoWoWoWeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! I am jealous!!!! J/K... no...maybe a little bit. Karen I am just thrilled with your DB skills when ya put your mind to it. I'm so happy that convo went so fabulously. Congrats!
Thanks! Even h says that I know how to "do it right." (But I just don't do it often enough!) Vball totally sucked tonight! We played the best team and we are prob. the worst team. We didn't even keep score after a game & 1/2 b/c we were getting so obliterated. I kept trying to talk myself out of blowing a gasket. (And, it's at church, so I had to try really hard not to swear!)
H went out tonight so I asked if he is going out tomorrow. He said no so I asked if he was going to play w/me. He said, "yes, what do you want to play?" I told him I was thinking I would cook din. and then we could go out and play pool or something. We've only played pool a couple times together. I get nervous around him and self-conscious. I used to be really good, but that was about 12 years ago. Man, am I old!!
Sorry I have been so busy lately and haven’t had the catch-up time that I would like!
I just read through your latest, and I admit that my first thought was “pay him back…but you’re MARRIED!!” But the important thing to remember is that all marriages run on different financial terms. My own is now completely joint, because of the separation. But prior to the split we had three checking accounts. One joint, one in my name and one in H’s name. Our paychecks were deposited into the joint account. Every month we’d pay bills from the joint account, put some money into savings and S’s college fund and then we’d divide the rest. Our joint checking account had a very low balance – just enough to catch any missed checks or whatever. We’d each pay (slowly, mind you) off our individual debt from the money in our individual checking accounts. If we got money for birthdays, Christmas, or whatever it would go into our individual accounts. Mine typically had a higher balance because Sting has a passion for spending, but we each started off on equal footing. It also made it more meaningful when we bought one another gifts from our OWN money.
My mother almost had a conniption. She felt that marriage meant joint, period. My best friend was a financial freak and she did everything joint, like you guys. It all depends on what works for you. It clearly works for your H, but if this situation does NOT work for you, then you are justified in requesting a change.
Now, all that out of the way…I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! Go you, go you, go you !!!
Many positives there…keep showing him that you are in this for better or worse, and that you accept him as he is and you’re well on your way to happiness woman!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I think he may be coming around as far as money goes - partly b/c of my "team-R" talk. I try not to focus on it too much b/c then I will be blowing up what I think is negative and just feel yucky. I know others hate feeling like they have to ask permission to buy stuff and/or get an allowance and that kind of thing, so...
H got home around 2am last night. I woke up, we chatted and snuggled. OC, I am always wanting , but appreciating our togetherness in other ways. (he's such a woman and I'm such a man!! He is more concerned about getting along and building trust and intimacy in the R and I just want to get in his pants!!!)
Tonight I am cooking din. I had mentioned going out afta, but then thought, "it's cold again, we got the fireplace fixed a couple weeks ago, let's use it." So I wrote him an email including that and said we could have some snugglies. I wanted to say something more suggestive but...
He agreed.
AND, he just called me to chit-chat! He was out to lunch (his day off). So, we had a pleasant convo. I did good. Figure he's doing something nice, don't spoil it by asking him to do a favor or if he did this, or bring up some icky talk or something. (do you like my technical terms?)
LOL!! Just kidding!!!
Sorry I'm not more help.
, but appreciating our togetherness in other ways. (he's such a woman and I'm such a man!! He is more concerned about getting along and building trust and intimacy in the R and I just want to get in his pants!!!)