Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Today is feeling like it could be a sad day. If nothing else, it's starting out that way.

H. not coming back leaves me feeling like he doesn't miss me, which was the idea for his trip. It still leaves me worried that he's there making plans to leave, which would be really hard.

On top of that, I'm angry. I'm angry about how he handled telling me he wouldn't be back when he said. It feels like another example of him trying to push my buttons, and I wonder who this person who is so unlike my H. is.

I'm also angry that it's clear that while he's away he's getting up early and actually doing things - going places and seeing people. That he hasn't done these things has been one of my complaints for years - one that I've raised with him. I'm left feeling like I was never worth doing these things for or with, since clearly he's doing them now, which is not a great feeling.

On top of that, I keep having thoughts about his online friend. I thought I'd been doing better with that, but lately they're back quite often.