He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[25yearsmlc]

Wounded,

It's a moment of weakness. I woke up and it began with one negative thought that spiraled. I did surrender to prayer and yes it helped. So, thank you!

I feel like he's leaving me in the dark. What am I saying...of course he is! I made it very clear to him that I will not tolerate infidelity in our M. If I did find evidence it would relieve the burden of failure on my part.

Wow, what an interesting way to view infidelity. So if he had an affair, you did nothing wrong and made no mistakes in the marriage?

In sum, it'd mean it's all him, AND You were a perfect wife, (whom he inexplicably left for OW?)?

Is this^^ something you still believe? Dig deep...

Then I can prepare myself mentally and decide if I want to continue fighting or if it's time to throw in the towel. No, I would not be happy about it. It would be devastating. Except, now the truth is out. It will provide some kind of closure. Of course, [b]my staying would greatly depend on how willing he is to work on things.
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IF he is having an affair currently, there's little chance he'll SAY or KNOW that he wants to work on the m b/c he's too busy justifying the A and your anger is fueling his reasons (which is why showing the WAS anger, does NOT HELP YOU).

You have to BE the better choice, and that's much easier if you do NOT snoop, so you can stay focussed on yourself.

IN fact, the single biggest reason I advise against snooping (and so does DB), is b/c it would take my focus off of MY own work and MY ISSUES, which are my responsibility.

I fear I'd just be blaming my h or OW instead of working on me.


I've read many success stories from marriages that have survived affairs. While I'm hopeful for those, it would take a miracle or a sincere effort on his part to keep me from leaving. I've lived that part in my first and second marriage and have watched my mom go through it. It's no picnic and I will not put my kids through that again.

I'm confused. THIS^^ is different from what you said just before. Be very clear with yourself on this issue and whether you'd entertain the idea of trying to work thru it, or not, or what your timing on that would be etc.

IF you KNOW w/100% certainty that him having an Affair would mean it's over for you, for good, and you'd file for divorce for sure -then maybe you should snoop away and if you can verify, you are done. NO saving this marriage...no working on forgiveness, etc.

FWIW, I do not sense certainty in you about this, at all as you admit others have successfully stayed married after an A, but then you say you won't put your kids "thru that again"...thru WHAT again? Another divorce or seeing forgiveness or what?


But here are some questions you may want to ask yourself....

Since this would be at least the 2nd time you have married a man who was unfaithful to you (and b/c you were also unfaithful earlier),

then what have YOU learned about yourself OR changed in yourself?

How was marriage modeled for you, growing up?

How was forgiveness shown in your family? How are YOU at forgiving others,

and how are you at asking for forgiveness?

What kind of legacy do you want to leave your kids?

Hang in there, we are all rooting for you.