First post, DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!

[Shining]

Hi, friends. I'm so glad to have somewhere to put this.

Update... I'm at a big-time low moment. It's temporary, but I'm upset and scared.

I had to reschedule with L for tomorrow morning due to something that happened at work.

My boss told me he wants me to look for another job. Yep. Because why not add that to the mix of stuff?

Reasons:
They "aren't busy enough"
I "dropped a few balls" (forgot to order a baby gift and didn't register for an event that was actually the responsibility of a different department. Nothing that caused any monetary damage or otherwise)
They have "been too good to me already"

To be clear, I'm intelligent, responsible, reliable, an excellent worker, highly regarded, and I am able to take criticism better than most. I don't throw people under a bus that should be mine. I have NEVER been one to mope around, nor have I ever been a crying mess, lashed out in anger, come in like I haven't slept in weeks... I have been very proud of my ability to get it together, smile, and carry on. I am upset that after months of my boss telling me how great I seem to be doing, suddenly I'm some kind of flake.

>>> side note, I had a complicated hysterectomy in 10/13. I had to take 10 weeks off. Boss was good to me for that. Then 2/14 H suicide attempt, had to leave work one and a half days off. Then 4/14 had to take off to find apartment -one day off. 5/14 took time off to move-2 days off. One day to help S17x2 look at colleges.

Others in my office have had 2-3 full-week vacations during the same time.

My total days off in 2014 with everything we've been through: 5.5 days

But they have "bent over backwards" he said, accommodating all of my issues. He said, "I understand what you've been going through." (Ummmmm, really?......good thing for him, I don't have a temper.......) I told boss, "If I could have prevented any of this, I would have. I didn't ask for any of this to happen, nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. But if 'I' wasn't 'me' living it, I wouldn't know any different either. I'm sorry you feel that way." (Beaming a little)

It's a medium sized office, but not very busy. In fact, I have had so little to do lately, that it is difficult for me at times to switch gears from "off" to "full-boar". I tend to do better when I'm constantly busy and get into a groove. Grieving also can make people forget things they wouldn't typically forget. So perhaps he has a point. I'll have to take a closer look at myself on that. I wonder, does anyone really work well in sudden bursts of projects, then nothing, then back to burst? Maybe firefighters. Good thing I'm not one. I digress.

I hate the fact that they know about H. I received the suicide email while I was at work. I guess, as I was reading H "goodbye, we had some amazing times, please be good to my kids", I was lacking the presence of mind in that moment to try and keep it together and just say "family emergency".

Boss said that I can take 3-4 weeks to find another job, while he finds someone else to do mine. I am probably overpaid based on the responsibilities I currently have. He can find someone to do my job for half of what I make.

He's not an evil boss. He's an insecure bully. A coward. Maybe hes in his own MLC! I still wouldn't even wish that on him. He's under a ton of pressure with various issues that have nothing to do with me. I recognized the projection and blame. I saw what was mine to own, and what wasn't. I believe I can apply some "detaching" skills to this. I'm already growing.

It's going to be ok. It's just more stress that I would rather not have at a time that I really don't need it.

BUT......

Do you know what's really good about this?