I'm obsessing about GS cookies in the freezer and thought I better do something useful, so here I am.
Quote: I have a VERY hard time when things are CALM! Like I said, I feel the need for stimulus, or to make stimulus if there is none.
You are a classic crazymaker--welcome to the club!
Now, in order to really pinpoint why you feel you must create drama, why do you think you do this? It took a little delving for me to understand why I did, so just know that "can't deal with calm" isn't the reason.
I got noticed, Karen, I really did. But being around me was pretty tiring. I could not just sit and BE. And if things were going along swimmingly well in my M, I waited for the shoe to drop... or I nudged it along.
I can't tell you how nice it is to not be in a position to create drama. My life is FILLED with it anyway, so why would I choose to live under a constant adrenaline rush?
Looking back, I wonder why this never came up in therapy... because at least one friend that I can remember told me that she prayed for me to be happy during the peaceful times. I thought she was nuts. Now I see that I was.
My Rs with all my family and friends are pretty good. I don't like fights anymore (though I won't back down if one is handed to me on a silver platter and lined with lettuce). I don't enjoy creating conflict and I don't like hurting people I love.
It takes a lot of work to quell this insatiable need. I don't get the urge as often as I did when I indulged myself, but I do get them. The difference now is that I FORCE myself to sleep on it, pray about it and think about it before I take any action.
I can't think of a better example than the one Meredith shared about my desire to announce to Mr. W. that we needed to put the house up for sale. True, carrying a mortgage that I never intended on taking on by myself has been a huge burden.
I don't like it. I don't like all the financial responsibility falling on my shoulders. And yes, periodically I resent the hell out of being where I am. However, NONE of those reasons was the underlying reason, though I would have told Mr. W. they were.
The fact is that the convo would have been a litmus test for our M: is he ever going to come home? Does he miss us? Does he really want to sell? Does he want a D?
Had I pushed that button, I feel fairly certain that Mr. W. would not have gone down to his knees and begged for forgiveness and a means to come back home. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would have told me to call our real estate agent (a friend).
Then what? I'd have gotten a really bad R talk that might not have been indicative of where he hoped to go (as in our M), but because he wouldn't have been ready, gone along with me in listing the house.
I have hundreds (maybe even thousands) more stories on this topic. It makes me literally sick to my stomach now that my diet has cleaned up and I've eliminated that toxic element from my lifestyle.
I really can't believe that person was me!
Now, if I need words of affirmation, I ask my friends, family members and fellow BB posters for them--until I manage to get them from my estranged H. They will have to be enough until that day arrives.
And yes, they DO count when they're from others we like or love or whose opinions matter. Don't tell yourself that they don't...
But words may not be what you want from the crazymaking. What purpose does it serve so we can help you figure out how to get what you want and need without having to create more drama?
Big hugs! And NO STINKING THINKING!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
