Wow, I really DON'T want to lose my H. I know I am just acting out of fear. I get freaked out when things go WELL for a while. DDDDUHHH! I guess I am afraid that I will be fooled, the other shoe will drop, I'll get the wool pulled over my eyes, hmmm...what other cliches can I come up with?

I had such a hard time during my childhood. Both of my parents smoked pot and drank back then. My father was very unpredictable, violent, and verbally abusive. I tried SOOO hard to please him. One day this would work, the next day it wouldn't. One day that would work, the next day it wouldn't. He called me a lot of names and was very critical.

My mom never protected us. The S 3 times before FINALLY getting D. He would stalk us when they were S to see if she was w/other guys. (She was). Whenever I would get upset my mom would say, "stop crying! Think of the people that are worse off then you!" (Oh, that helps A LOT-NOT!) Then when I had prob's w/bf, she would say that ALL men are @ssholes, and that they all gawk at other women, and that I need to be happy and bubbly all the time for them to like me. Nonverbally, she taught me to get my self-esteem through sex, and getting men to "pursue" me. She does the same thing-picks out a negative and focuses on that. Then she goes out w/a guy for 2-3 years complaining about him the whole time. Then they break up, and she is upset.

Like Mr. W said to UD-this is what you wanted! So I said to her, "You don't LIKE him, remember? Why are you upset? I don't get it!" And I had no sympathy for her.

Pshaw-the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! But, hopefully, I can pull out some skills and make a pie out of the apple. (NOT an American Pie-ha ha, get it? Well...maybe...)

I have a VERY hard time when things are CALM! Like I said, I feel the need for stimulus, or to make stimulus if there is none.

Where is this controlling behaviors list??

Pros to be married-get to come home to the same lovely man everyday, can snuggle, ML, have fun, have a friend to share w/, can live in a house, can have a family...

Cons-can't always get my way, can't just break up, can't be w/other guys (not that I really want to!), have to WORK on the M and the R, hard to get along sometimes...

I could go on...Today I feel good. Last night went to Pampered chef party w/cousin (finally bought the baking rectangle that I've been wanting forever), went uptown to eat and to a piano bar. Had really good convo. and fun w/her. H went out for a few beers after work, and then came home early. This morn. we chatted before he went to work. I was very +, , affectionate. He's so stinkin' cute! Ok, so this is when I get into trouble: I start thinking about how much I love him, how great some things are about us and him, I open my heart up and start feeling love (even unconditionally!!), I get more emotionally involved, he starts to open up, we get more comfy, he says some nice things, starts initiating and showing that he cares about our R, we laff and have fun...then...

WHAMMO!!!

I get scared, start telling myself that he doesn't care about me or love me (& look for ways to prove it), that he's not what I want, etc.-basically anything to close myself off from him and push him away, then I get upset, make accusations, and PUSH him away!

Yes, fortunately, he still comes back, but as you all know, that doesn't last forever, and eventually he WILL go away! and NO, I really DO NOT want that!!! Then I'd be miserable and feel guilty and once again, have unrequited love which equates to not being lovable. bleh...

So, to STOP the crazymaking...
I must be aware of when the urge to c-make is upon me, step back, write/walk/talk myself out of it, etc. I know it is hard to id. the monster when it is right there until after. Must catch him before it is too late!!!

Tonight we are going out separately again-I feel ok with it, not my first choice, but the +++ for me was that I made my OWN plans for Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. (I get so exasperated feeling like I always have to work around HIS schedule. Yes! He can work to-if he wants to see me, I'll see if I can pencil him in! ha ha)

AND it does HELP me to feel more independent and it does HELP me to appreciate him more to do my own things and **as db'ers have told me** NOT give him so much power over my life and how I feel about myself.

I felt a little urge to C-make this morn. but didn't. He has 2 single friends that NEVER date. One was talking about being set up w/a friend of a friend, but chickened out. h asked what he had to lose. mf said his self esteem. (he doesn't have any to lose!) then mf said this other woman he knows likes him and just got rid of her "sex toy." so h is like, go for it! at least you'll get sex! but mf doesn't feel like he can do that. (& h mentioned that guys will hump most anything) My h usually does not talk like this, and he was never like this when he was single!! So, I felt like saying "anything??? what's anything??? am I just anything??? and, if you were single, would you just go out w/someone to boink? No, didn't think so..." but, I just smiled and laffed w/him about the sit. And took it as a compliment that h thinks it is a good idea for his friends to pursue m. If he thought it was that awful, he would say, "don't do it!!! stay away from w!! Don't have an R, just screw around!..." Right?

karen