Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Sleep helped, but I'm still angry today. Last night was a jerk move on H.'s part and I'm super unimpressed with him right now. On top of that, it feels like he has all of the control. I need to keep fostering this detachment so it's easier, and spend more time on me so I react less. I'm pleased I didn't react in front of him last night, but it took ages for me to calm down and get to sleep.

I have to admit that there was a moment last night when I just wanted to tell him that he shouldn't come back at all. I know this wouldn't be good for saving my marriage, which I still hope to do, but it seemed like the preferable option in the moment. Being here by myself has meant moments of loneliness, but the freedom - both to do what I want and from the tension and tiptoeing around another person - have been surprising.

I spent the morning out on my bike and at the local thrift store's super sale and was thinking about work things and plans for the future. There was an undercurrent of H. there, but I made sure to focus on me and to do more of what I wanted. I decided that if he's willfully not around, I'll go ahead and pick some pans and a shower curtain without his input. Not that these are big purchases or anything, but it seemed like a bit of step for me. If he doesn't like them then too bad so sad for him.

For the rest of the day, I'm going to make a tasty dinner for myself, watch a movie, and work on a puzzle. We always did puzzles at the cottage, which I loved, so I bought one today and will get started on it. There might be some sewing involved, too, and I stocked up on candles so I can light some and read and meditate by candlelight tonight. I'm looking forward to it.