Maybell, the worst thing that could happen, from my perspective, is D. It's not what I want, but I with my IC's help, I have come to accept that I will be fine should that occur.
I've spent the past 4 to 5 months working on me. Learning to focus on the good things in my life and finding ways to be happy without H. I've taken a lot of weekend trips to see family and friends, a couple of short vacations (H joined me on last one) and I've got a lot of little projects done around the house.
I've worked on my "inner me" (for lack of a better way to put it) as well. I've always been somewhat of an introvert and would avoid conflict by most any means possible. I have felt for some time that H thought he could pretty much do whatever he pleased and I'd be okay with it ... that I was pretty much a doormat. And I was. I gave up "me" in an effort to try to keep peace at home and to do whatever I could to try to keep him from straying again. Didn't work!
Anyway, I don't do that anymore. In the past I would have tried to stop him from walking out like he did last week. But I don't do that anymore. I made my point, without anger, and let him leave. Very proud of myself for that. He was back the next day saying he wanted to try to fix things with us and left me the "love you" note.
I know he sees the changes because he asked me to tell my IC that she has been really good for me and he appreciates all she's done for me. (BTW, she thinks H is very confused and doesn't know what he wants, but is afraid to completely let go. She thinks I am his safety net.)
Anyway, I had kind of given up and was just proceeding on with my life as though I would become single. I do great when H isn't here. When he is, things are so stressful. I find myself longing for the house to myself again.
I do love him and I know he is really messed up right now and it breaks my heart to see him like this. It's difficult to sit back and do nothing, but he has to help himself and figure it out on his own.
I had made an attempt to try to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of our business, but I suspect he saw that as pursing. He came home saying he had no feelings for me. So I just went as dark as possible under the circumstances after telling him I didn't trust him not to hurt me again. I think that my attitude about getting on with my life and going very dim on him had an impact.
But I'm not sure. I know what to do when they are in crazy land. I'm just not sure what to do when they are starting to come around (if he is). I don't want to scare him off. No more backsliding!!
So, I need some advice on how to proceed from here. Continue NC unless business related (which is seldom - H calls here), toss out a text once in a while, something else?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
