Hi Thorn. I am doing okay. How have you been? I have to catch up on your sitch here at some point. My life has been so busy with the move and getting settled in a new life and all.
So the e-mail correspondence with the exWAW went okay I guess. She still in adamant that she is not good for me right now, that I deserve better than her. I will say this, I may be a rare exception but DB'ing actually turned out to hurt me more than help me. You see, the exWAW told me that there were many times where she seriously considered getting back together...but that I was too busy going out, being happy, and moving on. She said not once did you send me flowers, ask to take me to dinner, or anything to show you wanted me back. Instead you didn't miss a beat after I left. So GALing killed me I guess. I should've been pursuing her I guess. That really hurt. She also said that I never once tried to contact her, that it always had to be her who contacted me. So it seems that almost everything that DB suggested I do actually did way more harm than good. So I came clean and told exWAW that I was reading books (I didn't tell her which one specifically) and that they recommended all the things I was doing. This way she understands that I was actually trying desperately to win her back by NOT contacting her. I explained to her how pursuing her would've made me look weak and needy which would make me unattractive. She said no it wouldn't have. So this really hurts, I should've just pursued her and maybe things would be different now.
Today I meet with her at noon to go cash the security deposit check. I have talked to her about coming home where she belongs and she said if she thought she could find herself and be with me at the same time she would be here in a heartbeat. So I guess all is lost. Now she moves to Florida the end of September and that will probably be it. She said she still loves me and wants to be friends but she understands that that is painful for me as long as I am still in love with her. She said she hopes one day that I can be because she never wants to lose track of me. She said she doesn't know if finding herself will lead back to me or not, but that I deserve better than for her to ask me to wait for something that may or may not happen. I will try again today to talk to her as we do plan to talk a bit today too now that I've come clean about DB'ing. She said she wishes she knew it was because of books that I was ignoring her...she said she thought it was because she hid the almost-OM from me that I wanted nothing to do with her. So I guess this is it guys, this is brutally painful...even moreso now since DB'ing completely and totally backfired on me and did way more harm than good. In any event, I will let you all know how today goes in my next post. I hope all of your sitches are improving. I wish you all the best of luck.
Last edited by ItHurts; 07/31/1402:00 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I would not be so quick to blame DBing backfiring. How were things going prior to DBing? Did you and her have these civil conversations? How do you know she is just not trying to shift blame in the most convenient fashion possible? IF, and a big IF she really was open to reconciliation, then certainly the revealing your efforts do as much would have moved her. Clearly it did not. I know I am speculating, but I'd put my money on her trying to shift blame to the M not working onto you. It seems to be working for her. Not that I am saying DB is 'perfect' or works in every case, but the concept is solid, and clearly different from what you were probably doing in the beginning...which was NOT working either.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I think Pilot brings up some really valid points. It appears, IMO, she is using DBing as a means to alleviate her guilt and place it onto you. She obviously is not thinking clearly IMO either. She's very wishy-washy, going to relocate (geographical cure?) and appears to be running from her problems.
I honestly think that if you pursued her from the get-go, the results would of been the same except her excuse in that instance would be that you didn't respect her space and give her time to think.
Sorry you are going through this, IH. You are a good dude, keep working on yourself. Whether you R with WAW or find a new relationship, you are going to be ok.
You see, the exWAW told me that there were many times where she seriously considered getting back together...but that I was too busy going out, being happy, and moving on. She said not once did you send me flowers, ask to take me to dinner, or anything to show you wanted me back
Don't believe it for a minute! Do you think your W is the only one who ever said something like this? "I was considering getting back together until you messed up, so now I've changed my mind".
She didn't want you back! Don't you get it? She was the WAW! She still is. She simply wants assured in her own egotistical mind that you really did want her during the time she resented you being busy & happy GAL without her!
I hate that you showed all your cards. You opened your tool box and pulled everything out and explained what it was used for, didn't you?
Quote:
She said she hopes one day that I can be because she never wants to lose track of me. She said she doesn't know if finding herself will lead back to me or not, but that I deserve better than for her to ask me to wait for something that may or may not happen.
And that's the real reason. It's not that DB doesn't work. She wanted to turn things around and blame you and say you didn't want her back enough to "fight" for her......and you fell for it. Now you're saying DB simply backfired on you.
Quote:
She said she wishes she knew it was because of books that I was ignoring her...she said she thought it was because she hid the almost-OM from me that I wanted nothing to do with her.
"Almost OM", huh? Good one. Guess her conscious bothered her when you weren't chasing.
Well, now she can move on to Florida (to find herself) and feeling all smug, knowing where you are temp-wise in the R. She leaves with a clean conscious b/c you have assured her it's all the fault of this book you read, and that you would have been chasing her and desperately trying to get her back if not for the advice you received.
Do you have any idea what you've done? She just played you big time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is very confusing to say the least . IT is actually saying that DBing didnt work . Thats not good > Ive been putting alot of faith in DBing and have seen no results > But im not gonna say it doesnt work
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Hey Guys, actually no, I just referred to books in general. She just left here and we had a really great conversation. She admitted actually that I shouldn't fault myself because honestly she's not even sure any of that flowers-dates-calls would've worked anyway. She said she was a mess at that point. We really cleared things up, especially about the almost-OM.
Apparently since the day he proclaimed his love for her in our kitchen he was sending her love songs online, feeding her the words she wanted to hear...the EA stuff...and she said she took the bait hook, line and sinker. Then once she met up with him and a bunch of others on that trip, she said she knew before they even got there that he was a liar as he started drinking. So she said her involvement with him was over before it even began. I explained "grass is always greener" to her and she said that's exactly what it was...she described it as the fantasy wasn't the reality and I realized it two hours after I was in his presence and he started drinking. She said it was because of the strong woman I made her be, that she realized he wasn't good enough for her. She said if it wasn't for her years with me and how well I treated her, she wouldn't be the strong woman she is today.
She is relocating in a effort to find herself. She said I need to do this. She said I don't know if I'll stay there forever or not...that she may hate it...but she said she has to try this for herself. She needs to do something for herself. She said that I set the bar very high as far as what she expected from men in the future. She said that she doesn't know if our paths will find each other together again but she doesn't want me to wait around.
She knows about the lady I've been seeing somewhat informally for the past couple months. She was happy for me that I had someone to talk to as she also is coming out of a long term relationship.
We talked about things, cleared a lot of things up. It was basically our final good-bye because she wants to be friends but I can't, I need to move on because it would be a lie feeling as I do for her. So it will be a long, long time now before I ever see her again. She leaves the end of September and is moving down there to live with her friend. It was a very tearful and emotional visit and good-bye. She lost it a couple times, I lost it a couple times. We are still so close yet so far apart it seems. But today was all about total honesty with each other and at this point DB'ing won't help me. Once she lives in Florida I will barely see her so the chance of an R now are remote at best unless it's some long time down the road...at which point I will likely be way further along in my GAL.
So I guess I spoke too soon when I said DB'ing didn't work as she admitted she wasn't certain any of the flowers, dates, etc would have worked anyway. She said she doesn't know. She definitely isn't shifting blame though, if anything she spent a good part of our conversation talking about her mistakes. We both always agreed we were both at fault for what happened to us. We talked more about that today.
It was easily the most open and honest and detailed discussion we've had over everything to-date. We both have clearer heads now going into today and it really was a very nice final conversation together, as nice as something that awful could be. We both really laid EVERYTHING on the table so I didn't just reveal DB'ing to her on a whim. She was sharing some deep stuff and confessions as well. She said it means so much to her to know that it was because of books I read that I was acting that way. She said it hurt her so much because she felt like she never really meant anything to me...that I moved on so quick and so suddenly. She said contrary to what your book told you...only a very strong man would tell me this...you are far from weak and needy. She said you have more women after you than Don Juan ever since I left, I don't think a needy guy has that.
So honesty is the best policy, this is the end of the road with us for the most part so there was no point in holding back, she wasn't so I wasn't going to. I don't think it hurt any chance there is for R some time down the road anyway. She took my DB'ing efforts as a very positive thing and said that it only showed her more how wonderful of a man I am and how it makes her leaving so much harder.
As she continued to cry a bit she said she has to do this...for herself. She needs to prove to herself that she can make decisions and stick to them. She needs to prove to herself she can survive on her own since she went straight from her parent's house back in 1996 to living with me. She said she never found herself and that she is not worthy of someone like me right now...that she needs to love herself first. She said I've always known my identity, who I was, what liked and disliked...she said for her she has no idea about any of that about herself. She said I am going to miss you so, so much and you are part of me forever. You are always there in my heart and I hope one day that you can at least drop me an e-mail to check in with me. She said I don't want to lose track of you but I understand that right now it's hard to be friends with me. She said I don't want you totally out of my life but it's unfair for me to ask you to wait for something I'm not sure will happen. I want you to be happy she said.
So she got up to leave and we hugged tight for a few minutes...cried...had a tearful good-bye. We kissed a couple times and she said I love you, I told her I love her too. Then she started crying as she left. I asked her why she's crying so hard now all of a sudden. She said because I do that all the time after I see you...I wait until I leave to lose it in the car. I have to be strong for you so you don't cry if I do. So she left, drove away, and I watched until her car disappeared down the road. Sad times folks, the last few months concludes like that it seems. You are all wonderful people here...thank you for everything...truly and I will keep you posted if for some reason there is another encounter with her but I'm pretty sure this was it today for a long, long time.
Last edited by ItHurts; 07/31/1407:37 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Sorry you hurting IH. I can only imagine how this feels so final to you.
The grass wasn't greener with OM and it won't be in Florida either. She can run her whole life, but until she faces the issues, and deals with them, they will continue to plague her.
I hope you stick around. If not, I want to thank you for all your support with my sitch. I always looked forward to your posts.
Hi Thorn, oh I'll still be here checking in on you guys. You all have been so supportive during the many lonely and painful nights. I wish I shared your view that she is "running" as she presents it more as "exploring and evolving." I don't get the impression she is running from anything but of course I hope you are right! It certainly does feel so final. It really is final I guess. She's gone, we have no further reason to contact each other. She wants to remain friends and I just can't right now, I wouldn't be a "true" friend still loving her as I do. Hugging her close for the last time was so great yet so painful. I can't believe all of this happened after 18 years. Life can sure be cruel at times taking the most important things to us away in a moment. I pray you're right, I pray she still has unresolved issues with me, I pray she finds her way back and that I am able to take her. The hope I've had the past couple months is really gone now. I just don't see anything to hope for since she will be so far away. I'm sure she'll be home to visit family and such but when she told me she was moving that far away...I really just lost all remaining hope I had. It is truly a dark, dark day today and I haven't hurt this bad since all of this first happened back at the end of April/early May. Thanks for your support my friend and I will be around for sure...especially to read the stories with happy endings. That makes me feel better when I hear of others in my shoes getting the end result they prayed for. You guys are all just great and I thank you all for helping me through this these past couple months...I really have no idea what I would've done with my DB book and you all. Even though I didn't manage to "bust" my divorce...I do feel like a stronger and better person now. I just have a hole in my heart is all.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
