[/b] Just so I am clear, are you suggesting she may be bi-polar? OR are you saying she's at the age for MLC? OR both? And also, how does that affect your choices in this situation?
In other words, is the A more understandable to you if she is bi-polar? (I know some bi-polar women act out that way).
Would the "diagnosis" change your course of action?
I think its both honestly, but even if it were one or the other .. even neither... it does not change how I feel nor what I would do. At this point I can not control what she does, nor will I ever be able to, I can only worry about me and try to be the H she would be foolish to let go.
I have spent the time we have been seperated working on me, I lost about 20 lbs ... better job, I DJ'd 3 nights a week (Thurs/Fri/Sat) and I dropped all but the Friday nights ... still paying off some bills with that gig (This was a sore spot as it left her alone alot ... I have apologized for this and know it was a mistake to be gone) So one difference if you were to reconcile, would be that Her love language of time together, would be "spoken" more b/c you'd make more time for her?
And you feel certain you have communicated this to her?
I dropped 2 nights when I was under the impression we were trying to reconcile (OM still in the picture and I didnt know) I have told her all those nights I was away thinking I was giving her the $$ she wanted when all she really wanted was me there is one of my biggest regrets. So I think I have been fairly clear on this.
So now I have taken a stance to not apologize or engage in talks about the past .. she loves to rehash ... and I just dont see the point.
I hear you and a lot of MC's just rehash and then cement all the problems in one's head. But the Spouse who was unhappy enough to leave to have a PA, needs some reassurances that if they return, the marriage will not revert to what it was.
They won't come home unless they believe the marriage they left, can be better/different than before. So how are you demonstrating that?
[color:#009900]I have changed, temper is better, not completely as I slip here and there but its been better and me going to IC was a big part of showing her I am trying to change me ... without broadcasting it. I go on saturdays and she usually asks me how it went, what we talked about .. I don't really let her into this part much and just tell her I am working on things and its not an overnight fix. (Alot of my IC is about how to find the identity I lost .... the anger thing seems more her fabrication as I allowed her to press my buttons and had no exit strategy .. I use that tactic now and its helped
Also, next time she brings up the past, you can adopt one of the following "mantras" that tends to help things, without escalating. Just some suggestions.
Example 1 is when she brings up something painful to HER, which may have at least a thread of validity in it.
"W, I'm sorry I hurt you. IF I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Example 2 is for when she brings up something you do not recall at all, or very differently.
"W, wow I don't recall it that way at all - but I"m sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Example 3 is when she brings up something that you have discussed ad nauseum and which you are certain you have already apologized for AND worked on changing...(so she can feel assured it will not happen again, which is a legit desire of hers)
"W, I know we've discussed this before & I've said I"m sorry about that. But I am happy about the changes I've made and now I'm just working on creating a better present and future. How are YOU doing these days?" [/color] Wow, GREAT advice and something that I will start using NOW ... this forum is what I really needed, just wish I was here months ago .. may be to late but I am not throwing it in just yet.
she has been texting me all day telling me about her work, the stress she is under and I have replied with the validation tips from this site.
Good for you. Some will advise differently about what approach to take when an OM is around, but read the Div Busting/Div Remedy books and find what is authentic for YOU to do with this.
My DB coach said to "Listen like a lover" (validate/support, show interest) and I found that it helped A LOT.
Granted, if the topics had been inappropriate, like h complaining about OW, I would not have done that.
But when h shared about work or interpersonal family issues, I definitely wanted to bond with him. And I did and it did help. He felt more relaxed around me and in time, we built on that.
I will keep adding as we go as that seems to be the way things work here .. thanks for the site and the ear.
Keep up the good work.
I am going to post a letter next, and you see IF any of it resonate with you.
It may not, but reflect on it, okay? It's just to help you see what role you played in this, if any. [/quote]
