About the same time that I found DB and DR, my H was going on a business trip overseas. I knew that OW was going to be there because I asked him. They were both going to be away from their spouses.
Did I draw a line in the sand?
I did not. There was not one thing that I could do about it. That was the last conversation that I had with H about OW.
Since that date (almost 2 months ago), I have been practicing DR techniques. One of those techniques is to NOT bring up the affair. Another one is to detach. Another one is to GAL. And another is to do 180s (and no relationship talks is a big 180 for me).
While he was away, I did not contact him. He would message me, and I would respond. He would send pictures, and I would respond. But I never initiated contact.
When he returned, I gave him space, but I also gave him a much more pleasant version of myself than what he had been living with for the previous 6 months. I make an effort to look nice. I make an effort for him NOT to see me sad or brooding. I keep busy and I have no expectations of him joining me or the kids.
I have no idea what the status is of H and OW right now.
He was silent (and sleepless) for about two weeks following the trip. I didn't ask about anything. He was DEFINITELY distant. And then he started changing. Things are shifting. He went to her city last week and he spent his evenings in the hotel face timing with me on the computer (at his suggestion, not mine) or playing an online game with me. He asked me to lunch today. He spends his time with me in the evenings now - not squirreled away at his computer or hiding somewhere with his tablet. When I want to walk the dog, I go walk the dog. I tell him I'm walking the dog. More often than not, he joins me. He has invited me to play an online game with him and the boy, which I do.
Now - we're a long way off from "perfect" or "better," but I will say that my attitude about myself and my situation has helped ME a lot. I no longer feel desperate or nearly suicidal. I have a great IC who is helping me look at ME and how some of MY issues are damaging to my relationships with other people (not just my marriage) and to myself. I still FIRMLY believe that my H is entrenched in MLC. He's going to be there for a while. I am a LONG way off from him having any sort of realization that he blew up our perfect marriage or an apology. I may never get that. But for now I can live with what we have. I have hope again.
So - what should you do? I say do something else on Friday. Don't ask her what she's doing. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done.
There are some here who suggest that you tell her that you won't be in a relationship with her if she's in a relationship with OM. Many have had success with that.
I, for one, subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't talk about the AP. Just stop talking about it. Stop talking about the relationship. That relationship is built on lies, but yours is not. That relationship has very, very poor footing. Yours does not. I do think that drawing a line in the sand is more likely to drive her to OM, but different people have different success with this. You know your W best.
Doing something is hard. Not doing something is hard, too.
Good luck - I hope my story helps you a little bit!
