Relax, I know it's uncomfortable right now but I think you're in a good place.
Get your anxieties in check because this is your enemy right now and it will sabotage all your positive work/changes. This is why going out and GAL is important. It's paramount to your success in DBing. I know you're desperately seeking for answers and solutions and you will find them here and in the books. However, the answers and solutions are not quick-fixes or immediate remedies. You will have to get comfortable with being in your pain as you move forward. You will be in pain even when you're out GAL and this is a natural process. You can progress out of the immense feelings of hopelessness associated with this kind of stitch. But only with time. So be patient!
Yeah, she signed the papers. So what? Does that mean you're gonna give up fighting? You can if you want to but then you're on this site so you must really want to save your M. In this case, good for you. You've made the decision to do something about it rather than just take the easy way out by divorcing. People give many and some of them are justifiable reasons for wanting a D but it does not mean it's okay or always the right thing to do.
Her comment about giving you the choice to file or not shows she's expecting you to do something and she's probably expecting that you will give up and file because this is how she expects you to behave. Notice the word "expect." What do you think she expects you to do? She knows you enough to know your habits and tendencies. We are creatures of habit. So what you will need to do is challenge her expectations of your typical behavior. This could be a good 180 for you. Stop following the cheeseless tunnels! You've read DR, right?
You say she begged you to come home when you cut her off. This is positive! She obviously loves you. Don't be a dummy! What I think may have happened is that the distance you created made her realize she didn't want a D and this is obvious by her refusal to sign the papers. She was desperate and didn't want to lose you. Can't you see that? Yeah, she begged and pleaded and took responsibility for everything and made promises but if you think about it...was it really fair? Did you really expect her to take all the blame? Could you not have been man enough to say "No honey, it's not all your fault. I had a part in it too. I truly love and care about you and want to work this out but I just don't know how."? Simple, right? Why can't we respond in a loving way when it's most needed from us? Because we are scared of being hurt and and so we default to a self-protective stance. It's okay to feel scared but, if you continue to put up a wall all you will get is a cheeseless tunnel.
Did she go to counseling like she promised? If not, why do you think this is? What did you offer as a concession to work on the M? Or did you offer anything at all? I'm guessing in your resentment you left it all to her to make the change and steer the R to greener pastures. But it didn't happen, huh? Be honest, why do you think that is? I can tell you but then that would take away from your learning and the point is to learn more about you and your habits.
Perhaps you have mistaken aloofness for detaching. We detach lovingly. Being aloof requires some sort of unfriendliness. We're not unfriendly! It will take time (look there it is again) to fine tune your skills in loving detachment. Patience is a virtue.
Continue to act in a positive manner even if you have to fake it. Yes, this is one exception to faking things. Paying the bills...that's good. You're doing the right thing. How does she contribute or are you the sole bread winner in the M? If she's negating her financial responsibilities then you can set healthy boundaries in a friendly way with help from us here. If there's no harm in you stopping the chores then stop. She has asked, right? Your acts of service (unless there's a necessity to them) won't be acknowledge if it's not her love language. And why are you expecting her to acknowledge them? Why expect a thank you for paying bills? Are you doing them just to get her to notice? Please don't take away from this that being helpful and dutiful is a bad thing. It's good and it will come in handy...later. There will be a time for thank you's also. Eventually.
She is different this time for a reason. She's had enough and she's looking for change or a way out. Which will you give her? You can go home albeit not without challenges. Whose choice was it to leave? Is there a reason why you can't go home? What's your motivation for wanting to go back home? When you are back home what do you expect will happen? How are you going to change things around so she starts to notice that you do care about saving the M? Do you have a plan? Are you ready to go home?
GAL does not work only because you think it this way. Time for mental makeover. Adopt a PMA (positive mental attitude.)The more positive you think and feel the more it will become a reality.
