The gift of time . . .

[mustardseed]

Sounds like a good plan. I have no advice to give you as these sorts of situations confuse me, too. I never spoke up when I felt he was doing wrong when our marriage was in tact. Now that he wants it over I feel like I need to point out all of his faults all of the time but DBing makes me think that is wrong. I think the point is to find the balance. From what you described, it sounds so completely wrong of him. He gets to be the good guy, with anything goes, then you get stuck dealing with the meltdown. There has to be a better way to handle it then the way you did--dragging the S into an issue that should have just been focused on D, but letting it go and validating also seems wrong. I'm trying to figure all of this out right now as well, since I am working on boundaries--something I never could identify.

I think the goal is to stick to the issue at hand and leave your R out of it. The problem was that D wasn't wearing a helmet at H's home (in many states, including mine that is illegal depending on your D's age). This lack of consistency in the rules led to a tantrum that you had to deal with. If you are going to be coparenting together this needs to be worked out. I'm sure that neither of you want to set up a situation where she can play you two against each other and being a united front is the key. So how do you get there?

First, you have to take your emotional baggage out of it. He [censored] for doing what he is doing, but you don't have to point that out. You are going to have to accept that he is going to parent differently from you--this is true whether you are married or not. I think being caught up on one ideal way to parent is what causes a lot of strife in marriages--and even though consistency is extremely important, I also think that kids really do benefit from having two different parents with different parenting styles--as long as the parents can learn to balance their styles rather than fighting about it and getting caught up in a push/pull of trying to get their way. Learning to have each other's back in front of your child, even if you don't agree, is important. And discussions about it when the child is not around should be done in a way that doesn't make one parent feel like an idiot while the other is laying down the law.

It's a tough thing, this parenting business. Hard to do alone, and hard to do with someone else. Just try to stay focused on your goals with each conversation you have with him. Is your goal to make him feel like Sh? Or is it to make sure your D wears a helmet every time she rides a bike? Or is it to prevent meltdowns during transitions from one home to the other? I'm guessing in your last conversation all three of those goals were what motivated your words (trust me I have been there). I learned that it is best to bite my tongue when my emotions take over. Then with some distance I can identify what I want to accomplish with my conversation so that I stay focused on just the important issues that will get me closer to long term goals rather than those fleeting--"I want you to hurt like I'm hurting" goals.