New guy ... My Story

[25yearsmlc]

So reading here ... and I really like to say what a great forum this is, people are positive and seem to be truly pro marriage and its refreshing as all the things I have gone through I know it would be a quick reaction to say run and start your life, I just dont want a life without my family, her , and my son ... but I know I can not say that aloud

So today she texted me ... apologizing for last night, I really didn't think much of it but looking at the exchange it seems the OM somehow disappointed her or something happened. She seemed to be trying to take it out on me and I deflected and basically wished her a good rest of her night and left it at that. She told me this morning that "Its my personal life I'm tormented by, I just need to get away alone" I didnt engage and wished her a good day. We have our free consultation with the mediator tomorrow, I know its been wrecking her as this is as close as we have been to actual divorce talks. I dont think deep down she wants this ...

Some back ground so you Vets can possibly shed some light. Her mother was diagnosed Bi-Polar, as was her sister .. reading up on this she is right at the age .. 42 .. so that mixed in with a little MLC and I have been on one hell of a ride .. factor in I was not always engaged emotionally with the increase of fights over the past couple years.


Just so I am clear, are you suggesting she may be bi-polar? OR are you saying she's at the age for MLC? OR both? And also, how does that affect your choices in this situation?

In other words, is the A more understandable to you if she is bi-polar? (I know some bi-polar women act out that way).

Would the "diagnosis" change your course of action?


I have spent the time we have been seperated working on me, I lost about 20 lbs ... better job, I DJ'd 3 nights a week (Thurs/Fri/Sat) and I dropped all but the Friday nights ... still paying off some bills with that gig (This was a sore spot as it left her alone alot ... I have apologized for this and know it was a mistake to be gone)

So one difference if you were to reconcile, would be that Her love language of time together, would be "spoken" more b/c you'd make more time for her?

And you feel certain you have communicated this to her?

So now I have taken a stance to not apologize or engage in talks about the past .. she loves to rehash ... and I just dont see the point.


I hear you and a lot of MC's just rehash and then cement all the problems in one's head. But the Spouse who was unhappy enough to leave to have a PA, needs some reassurances that if they return, the marriage will not revert to what it was.

They won't come home unless they believe the marriage they left, can be better/different than before.

So how are you demonstrating that?

Also, next time she brings up the past, you can adopt one of the following "mantras" that tends to help things, without escalating. Just some suggestions.

Example 1 is when she brings up something painful to HER, which may have at least a thread of validity in it.

"W, I'm sorry I hurt you. IF I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Example 2 is for when she brings up something you do not recall at all, or very differently.

"W, wow I don't recall it that way at all - but I"m sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Example 3 is when she brings up something that you have discussed ad nauseum and which you are certain you have already apologized for AND worked on changing...(so she can feel assured it will not happen again, which is a legit desire of hers)

"W, I know we've discussed this before & I've said I"m sorry about that. But I am happy about the changes I've made and now I'm just working on creating a better present and future. How are YOU doing these days?"

she has been texting me all day telling me about her work, the stress she is under and I have replied with the validation tips from this site.


Good for you. Some will advise differently about what approach to take when an OM is around, but read the Div Busting/Div Remedy books and find what is authentic for YOU to do with this.

My DB coach said to "Listen like a lover" (validate/support, show interest) and I found that it helped A LOT.

Granted, if the topics had been inappropriate, like h complaining about OW, I would not have done that.

But when h shared about work or interpersonal family issues, I definitely wanted to bond with him. And I did and it did help. He felt more relaxed around me and in time, we built on that.


I will keep adding as we go as that seems to be the way things work here .. thanks for the site and the ear.

Keep up the good work.

I am going to post a letter next, and you see IF any of it resonate with you.

It may not, but reflect on it, okay? It's just to help you see what role you played in this, if any.