Not sure what to do

[25yearsmlc]

I want to save my marriage but I don't know how. I seem to be blowing everything up and I can't stop myself.


You need professional help, and there is no shame in that. Most of us got some.


I read other posts and people were saying to "walk away" and "be aloof." "Make her come to you."

I think this is good advice. I can do this.

There is no 'one size fits all' secret to this. It's a marathon, not a sprint. How old are you both? And is this the first marriage for you both?

Plus, you say this^^ about being aloof, but then you say "it's not working". IF it is not working, then Div Busting 101 says, Do not do that.

Do what does work. It's not easy, but it's not complicated.

I did this last year. I moved out and cut off all communication. She begged me back after two months. She refused to sign the divorce papers. She admitted everything was her fault. She promised to go to counseling.

Why would she "admit everything was her fault" AND how did that help you?

Why is assigning blame so important to YOU?


But this time is different. After I left she signed the papers and gave them to me. She said I can file them or not file them it's my choice.

So you are not trapped in any way. You are free to choose. That requires a very adult approach to this b/c marriage is a very adult thing to do and it takes 2 mature people to stay married for long.


I have acted aloof. I haven't called her. I go to the house and do chores but she stays gone when I am there. I put money in the joint account so our bills stay paid.

She never says thank you. She doesn't acknowledge any of this.


SO what part "Should" she thank you for? The "acting aloof", or not calling her?

And just so I'm clear, You both pay bills for the home you own, right? But you want her to thank YOU, for paying your share of the bills?

So... you must thank her for paying her share, right?


Bob, I think you need to lose the scorecard b/c it sounds as if you measure things A LOT and it sure sounds as if you need A LOT of reassurances and compliments to feel good about yourself.

While I can see that at least one of your love languages is words of affirmation, I also sense a very low self esteem in you, and Bob, that's NOT her job to fix. Self esteem comes from within, just as happiness does.

SHE is not responsible for how YOU see yourself. Do you get that?


Also, please read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

I think your wife IS trying to show you her love for you, but you are dismissing it out of hand --- b/c it's not wrapped the way you want it wrapped.

And that is a tragedy for both of you.


I honestly don't know what to do. She is different this time. It's not like last year. I don't think she is going to ask me to come home.

1) maybe while you are apart, SHE is working on herself and SHE is changing. Maybe you ought to do the same.

2) You changed your tune with this^^ b/c earlier you said she was "begging" you to come home but you were worried she'd be mean to you again. Now you say you don't believe she'll ask you to come home. That's a switch.

You seem very confused, and I understand that. But it makes it harder to help you when you switch back and forth.

Really think out what you write here a bit more, and ask yourself each time if this is "new" and maybe just a temporary thought of yours, or if it is a BELIEF you now have and is well founded, and tell us that. We can adapt to your changes, we just have to know of them.

So she may be tired of you holding your threat to divorce her, over her head. She's saying "okay, go ahead" and I think she has done some work on herself since the last sep. I mean, she is different.

Now you concede that you hold onto your pain like a security blanket. That is very self destructive. Also it's a recipe for certain misery in life...

Bob, you need some help. You cannot go around clinging to your pain and think someone else can fix that in you. Sometimes we hold onto our pain b/c we think the other person does not deserve us letting go of it.

Holding onto pain to get even with someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,



to get smoke in their eyes....



Acting aloof isn't working. "Having my own life" isn't working.


When you say it "isn't working" do you mean SHE is not asking you home?
B/c getting your own life is NOT about getting an invitation home, it's about YOU not being so co-dependent on your spouse.

These are not "tactics" to win your w back but ways for you to genuinely change from within.

So what do you mean when you say it's not working?

I think you misunderstood what GAL is for. Did you read the Div Busting book? OR the Div Remedy book? Seriously, did you read them?

I don't want a divorce. I want to go home.

But I don't know how to get there.

You need to get some Individual counseling for YOU, to work on letting go of the past, to not portray yourself as a victim, to recognize how some of your actions are punitive to her, to see your own role in your marriage's problems.

If you insist on blaming her for everything, there is nothing WE can do to help YOU. And by the way, stop telling other people about the marriage problems.
OF course they'll tell you to divorce her. That's what ALL my friends told me. Did you read the books? IT tells you right in there that all our friends here is OUR side of things and how HURT WE are. They don't want to see us hurt so they tell us to file for divorce....but that is NOT the answer to our problems most of the time.

(Aside from blaming her for all of it, which is unfair and inaccurate, you're also making yourself look weak, and YOU are painting yourself into a corner). Keep private marital issues, private.

Moreover, my DB coach told me to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

But you are making it harder on yourself AND her, when you tell other people how bad and "abusive" she is to you.

I happen to believe you play a much bigger role in your problems than you were admitting til today, so it might help if you tell others WHO ASK (and no more new people hearing about your private problems, please) that you now see that you "played a role in the problems, and you are working thru them" and don't go into detail.

Regardless of whether you two reconcile, that ^^ statement makes you sound a lot stronger, more responsible, and as if the marriage has a chance, than still blaming her for everything and then wondering why she isn't inviting you home.

I'd be surprised if she invited you home WHILE you still blame her for everything.

Lose the scorecard of measuring who did what to whom, and all the resistance to making changes in you, "before SHE Does!!" You are here b/c you say you want to stay married. So don't argue about who should make the changes first. YOU are the one here; she's not. We cannot help her.

And the person who wants to stay married DOES have to take the first step...and the 2nd step and the third step, and the next 58306 steps, b/c WE are here working on saving our marriages; our spouses are not.

YOU need to work on YOU and she needs to work on HER but it's not your job to tell her that.

Stay in your sandbox, figure out why you hold onto your pain for so long and why you have the need to tell other people that you are a victim.

BTW, how was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood?

And why you are playing that role so much when you also know you have done some pretty hurtful things to her?

Scorecards and our "lists of grievances" are huge examples of a spouse keeping a record of wrongs, which we are told when getting married, we are NOT to do. (That is in Corinthians, if you are Christian).

And it's common sense, but a lot of people do keep score. What they forget is that their spouse has their own scorecard, and on their scorecard, we are NOT "Winning".


For example, you talk of your pain...though I asked you how you thought your wife felt about how you have been rejecting her sexually for some time. You did not answer that question. I hope you gave it some thought.

I think you overlooked how your refusal to be intimate with her makes HER feel.

You said you can't be intimate until she treats you --- (but you are very vague about what that means) --so it just looks as if she must meet your conditions (accept all responsibility for ALL problems in the marriage???) before you'll be intimate with her.

And that's using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation.

Bob, clearly You DO withhold affection...and you refused to commit to the marriage ---WHILE saying you cannot be intimate without a commitment...

Can you see how frustrating that would be for any woman to deal with?

It's a lot of mixed signals from you, and that's b/c you are confused. So she must be confused as well, don't you think?

I Know you say you want to go home, but that is NOT what you said just a few days ago.

Now that you are considering how SHE FEELS when you reject her, maybe you can see that on her scorecard, she has plenty to feel hurt from.

That's yet another reason why the scorecards need to be tossed. Do what the vows say to do and go "from this day forward"..

what can YOU work on, NOW?