Ok. This is actually pretty awesome. I respect you and your suggestions, thoughts, insights...but, I'm still disagreeing in THIS instance.
Recently, I've caught myself obsessing over Smokey again. I noticed myself, yesterday, driving to and from the interview, looking for his truck...reminiscing...romanticizing...and going to this dark place where I imagine he and OW together, being intimate, holding hands, taking walks, etc...
Anyway, I had stepped away from the grief workbook and, this morning...knowing my life will getting busier in the coming weeks--I took this free morning and re-read the chapter on withdrawal.
It helped me put into perspective who Smokey really is...not who I fantasized him to be...the reality of our life together. I took him down from the pedestal and wrote about what life was like when he lived here...the tension, his sleeping constantly, not engaging, the daily rejections from his inability to be honest, the dishonesty, etc, etc...
I know if may come across, from your POV as over-analyzing and, sometimes it is...but, this dissolution/rejection from him struck a huge chord for me in terms of bringing up some really deep feelings of rejection I've carried since childhood. I've always put my abusers in a place of power and looking at Smokey, my mother, my dad, etc...helps me to see their humanity...They are simply imperfect human beings with flaws like me.
In addition, I'm a writer and this stuff sits in my head if I don't let it out. When I can, I try to use the boards when I feel anything may help someone else. This topic of obsessing seems to be a common thread and I really thought what I looked at this morning could, maybe, help someone else who is struggling with the same issue.
For me, I walked away from the exercise not nearly as frightened of the impending response from his attorney or a text from Smokey or the even the phone call from my mother...I'm wayyyyy more settled and able to face all those feelings of being potentially hurt again.
Also, I'm remembering how hard I tried in this marriage. Yesterday, I passed a nursery school where I had enrolled D11 when she was 2 and before we were aware of the Autism. I specifically enrolled her there because it was close to Smokey's workplace. I had hoped he would step up and visit her and become a fixture in her life for lunch and support and picking up and so forth. He didn't. I think he visited once. It reminded me of HIS failures in the marriage and parenting. He rarely stepped up to help (in a helpful way) when I needed him for parenting support.
I'm sorting all this stuff out. I know it's taking awhile...but I"m getting there. I suppose the new job brings up fear and Smokey was always my safe place/my fantasy. At least, I'm looking at it honestly today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
