Hi Heather, What you wrote about the repeated hurts causing a response in your body really hit home. I sometimes get that way when W is over to "go through our stuff". I couldn't understand why I was showing signs of fear as I have nothing to fear from her any longer as she has done the worst she can, filed for D. Yet, there I am with this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We've been hurt some many times by our S's and without even thinking about it our bodies are getting ready for the "fight or flight" response!
My W has become over the last several years just like Smokey in how she changes to fit in with whoever she is around. My D's say that when she is around her father they can't stand being around her as she becomes mean and acts just like him (neither of them likes their grandfather. They both have independently called him "creepy"). When she is with her work friends she acts another way, around her mom's family she acts like a wife and mother. This must be exhausting for them! I have always been comfortable around anyone but before she left, I found myself being uncomfortable when with my W as she would be hyper critical of me around other people. I'll never forget when we went to a party with her work friends not long after B-day. I was having fun, talking to all the people there, having a good time and she came up to me and said, in a way that sounded like it was something amazing "Everyone here really likes you". I'd met most of the people there before and got along with all of them so it shouldn't have been a surprise to her but since she wanted to see me as "bad", she figured that was the way everyone saw me! No matter that for the last 20 years I got along well with almost everyone!
I understand what job is saying about trying to analyze Smokey. (I have too much of that regarding my W, for sure!) Although lately you seem to be analyzing yourself more which I think is a good thing. Keep up the positive work. It's really starting to pay off for you!
