Saving my marriage by focusing on ME (Part 2)

[Oxford1]

All she said was "Come-on your Happy Ox"

And you had a perfect opportunity to say "Explain how you think a man could be happy to watch his wife sleep with another man. Well? I'm waiting."

But I'm sure you didn't. Because you're afraid to make her mad.

I did not want to push it in the middle of a restaurant.
She already got angry and almost put her hand over my mouth.

I also don't know if saying that is a DB way.

[Oxford1]

Here is why I realize that I have to detach more:
To protect Ox!

Last night at Dinner S21 came into the conversation.

She said she knows hes upset about what is going on, but

"He has to grow up"

"Don't I deserve to be Happy"

I looked at her and commented " So all that matters is your happiness? not the boys or mine or our family"

All she said was "Come-on your Happy Ox"

I have been warned that with WW its all about them but this was proof in the pudding.


Also gives me reason to really avoid most conversation with her. Not in a Jerk type of way.

My wife made some similar statements during her affair. When told by her brother how horribly upset her parents were about the whole thing, she coldly said "Well they just need to get over it." And similar statements about the older kids, who knew about her affair.

It's entitlement. Affairs are initially ignited by resentment, and then FUELED by entitlement.

Now I get the entire entitlement thing I keep seeing on these DB boards.

Someone told me for some reason all my WAW resentment over her own life her own shortcomings are directed at me.

I think if she spills coffee on her blouse while in Antarctica she would blame me!

[Oxford1]

Put the snark away!

It's not helping, you need to let go.

Come share jokes with us in new comers, you might be able to change your focus.

Is there a JOKE thread?

[Ggrass]

Yeah, my thread in new comers, I started a different thread. There is little hoeing in my sitch. My z attitude is good! I need to share and keep in touch really, it gives me a place to reflect. So come share in my joke of the day method.

I called it the fleas.

And yes, both your wife and my h would blame us for spilling coffee in Antarctica!

^^^^ and some of that will make more sense once you read the thread.

[Oxford1]

Had another discussion with my DB Coach and we worked on some of my concerns and questions.

I have a real strategy right now and I will be applying it the next few weeks and then touch back to see where I am.

One thing I worked on was how to stop worrying so much about WAW and OM.

The other was how to handle her Passive-Aggressive behavior.

My hardest thing is going to be to not let WAW believe that what I am doing is Punitive. That it is actually being done by me to help me, not to punish her.

[Ggrass]

I was thinking of you last night when listening to this in the car on the way home.

It's a detachment song, more about death, but it's fairly true.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tFFq31fBoeI
Ms delta goodrem. Australian but maybe known in the USA.

[Oxford1]

I was thinking of you last night when listening to this in the car on the way home.

It's a detachment song, more about death, but it's fairly true.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tFFq31fBoeI
Ms delta goodrem. Australian but maybe known in the USA.

Thanks
I could use a good video

For some reason I am all anxious today!

Yeesh.

[Oxford1]

Sad song , reminded me of a girl I grew up with whose son died as the result of a car accident a few years ago.

She posts on her FB page every year songs etc on his birthday.

Oh Ms Delta Goodrem is a sight for sore eyes!

I could not listen to the entire video because my spirit is really broken.

I guess the closer it gets to the OM leaving the more anxious I seem to be getting.

I wonder if it's anticipation of how things go when he leaves.

[Oxford1]

Ox, you live in the same home but not in the same bedroom and I assume that it's a pretty big house, no. You don't need to be a jerk to her, but just go about your own business. That's it. It's really that simple. Why are you making this so hard? Ask yourself that.

I have decided to set a Big 180 for when she " returns" after OM leaves.

I realize that she is exhausted mentally and physically and has really fallen behind at work.

So my 180 is based on detachment but it's more to give her all the space and breathing room she is going to need.

- I will not pursue her
- I will not start any conversation
- I will listen to her with all my undivided attention
- I won't talk about my issues or problems.
- I will give her all the space she needs to catch up on work

The biggest is to allow her to clear her mind and think....

I know I used "I" a lot but since the OM has not given her any time to herself and she used to accuse me of being intrusive and a pain in the arse, the items I listed will help her as much as me.

I also am not going to shut her down when she wants to tell me where she went the places she ate etc...I need to help her to keep moving the OM into the BFF zone...
Most of the woman I know feel that WW and he are like two girlfriends except WW does not know it....

[Ggrass]

Yes, it's sad song, but it really talks IMHO about feeling associated with death grief.

It shows that after years, there can be feelings, so don't think this has to be solved today. Feelings aren't rational or logical.