Hmmm…I see two things that stand out the most here. 1. I think you married my husband and 2. you are spending an awful lot of time focusing on HIM!!!

Yes, my husband is just about the same – with a passive-aggressive twist. He’ll SAY he doesn’t care what we do, but he does. He’ll SAY he doesn’t care where we eat, but he does. He’ll SAY whatever the F I want to hear but does whatever the F he wants to do. Sound familiar?

Ah, so you have a lopsided relationship too. Well surprise!!! You aren’t alone. There are MAYBE 1% of relationships on this board that aren’t lopsided. The fact is, those of us with the knowledge are the ones who are going to have to do the work. The bad news? We find ourselves staring down the tunnel of resentment all to often. The good news? If this all blows up in a cloud of smoke we’re the ones who will truly ‘make it’. Okay, so push up your sleeves…

First thing I see:
Quote:

I feel hurt, disappointed, jilted, unloved, unworthy, not good enough, and rejected. I feel confused. I have told him what I would like and what would help, what he can do...


Well here is one of the problems of resentment. Check that statement out…YOU feel hurt, disappointed, jilted, etc. That really is good to recognize. BUT…then you say that you have told HIM what he can do about that. Fact is, it isn’t his job to do a damn thing about that. Don’t call a plumber to trim your trees! Guess who’s job it is to fix those things? (Hint, her name starts with a K…)

I know, I know…HOW? You answered that question too! I saw:
Physical activity
Meeting new friends
Trying new things

Can you work those things into some true goals? Goals based on KAREN? It will alleviate the burden from H’s shoulders, and might lift some of the underlying resentment on his part.

Okay, on to H…

Are you familiar with the helicopter analogy? Well if you are…from my helicopter I see you walking next to the path. You know there is a path, but you aren’t really sure you want to be on that path. The path’s name: Hush.

On the path of Hush you don’t call your husband out. You don’t try to drag his butt off the couch. You ask for something once. If he is not deaf, he’s heard you. If he doesn’t want to do it – okay, no big deal. You can do it on your own. Yes, sex would be an exception here…but I don’t have much advice there! Betsey and I have both discovered (Betsey has more under her belt here than I do) that allowing the H’s to say “NO” has helped them come around. It is okay to say no. It is okay to say no.

The emotional stuff seems to be driving your H up a wall. My guess is because he is uncomfortable with emotions to begin with, and he doesn’t know HOW to handle yours. He can’t figure out what you are trying to get from him…so he avoids those emotions. I had a hard time with this concept, because to me – avoiding my emotions would be easy for him, all he had to do was something NICE and I wouldn’t get as emotional. Yeah, it isn’t that simple I found out!

Ask yourself…WHY do you get so emotional? I sense some crazymaker in you…and if you can work through that, I promise you can breathe easier.

Another guess here, but I believe that H goes out with his friends in the way that he does because it is a release for him. Could he make more of an effort to do the same with you? Well, yeah, of course! But…I think that he’s still afraid of the emotions. He doesn’t have anything to fear when staying out with his friends, although he may put off coming home because he does have those damn emotions facing him when he does come home. Make any sense? Even as I type this I remember being in that place too…that damn IT ISN”T FAIR place. But, as I always say, it isn’t your job to take care of fair – that is God’s job. Yours is to do what is right.

Emotions are natural …I’m not saying they aren’t. But with your H you really are going to have to work through some of these emotions and identify them for what they really are before handing them over to him. He doesn’t have a clue what to do with them!

Now, to balance…there are positives here also.
You have the biking together thing. That can be great…if you make it great.
He makes an effort to communicate with you one day a week? Use it girl!!

Your turn…rip all that apart!

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." --Agnes Repplier, writer and historian