There are updates and there have been notable improvements in the channels of communication - believe it or not, championed and advocated by her. When she met with my counselor on her own quite some time back (remember that?) she was identified as codependent in our relationship....hell, I was too in countless regards. She has really dug into that and identified with it -- it has become a reference point and catalyst for a lot of discussion and kind of changes the lens with which she reviews the past a bit. Don't get me wrong, I still certainly don't look GOOD in the past through that lens by any stretch of the imagination - but it gives her context for her behaviors, actions, inactions and feelings back then. My counselor also pointed out to her (and to me) that I fell somewhere on the narcissism scale - fortunately nowhere near the sociopath range and but for SURE in the self-absorption space. That, too, has helped both of us understand things better....when it is in format or a construct that we can look back upon and use as a benchmark or a tool with which we can explain or view things - a lot of things fall into place and the picture of the failure of our marriage comes into a sharper focus. There are more variables to this equation, but the simple "boiled-down" version is:
Codependent Male + Codependent Female + Self Absorbed Male - Accountability + Poor Communication = Failed Marriage
That is probably the easiest way for me to put it, again -- there are other factors but that sums it up pretty nicely.
We are working pretty hard at maintaining honest, open communication - which is quite a new thing. It has its challenges because she still has a pretty soft "underbelly" when it comes to digesting criticisms and constructive feedback, but I am also learning that it is about how I deliver the message.
She is at the house a lot more and we are both talking about making changes here and there to make it more comfortable and erase bad memories. It's amazing how much negative energy and emotion a "thing" can evoke just based upon its association with a memory. So we have already painted the kitchen and are looking at new art and pictures for our walls. I was pretty much one-sided and not very collaborative when we were married and did this. For her, having a a moment to "shake the etch-a-sketch" and have a clean palate upon which to start is helpful.
As weird as this may sound, for quite a few years (and still) I had a large picture or a dead, barren tree hanging over our bed. I took the picture at the Grand Canyon and it turned out really well.....but symbolically? Is that what you want hanging over the bed you share with your spouse? After infertility and a dead marriage? MMMMM, probably not....small thing, but it matters.
We had about a 2 hour talk in the driveway last Sunday about a lot of things. We have yet to become "physical" as I may have mentioned before - not just sex or anything, we don't hold hands or anything along those lines just yet. I am beginning to realize that she (and most women, I suppose?) needs to feel emotionally secure before that line is crossed. And it is easier to do that with a stranger with which you have no history (I.E. the OM) as opposed to someone you have a history with....me. I told her in the driveway that it made me feel "ugly" or "unattractive" to her -- I didn't say it in a guilt or shaming way, but she kind of received it like that. She then said something rather enlightening "Chris, I could work with a dozen good looking men and not have romantic feelings for any of them". Well, that opened my eyes a bit.
I explained this to my counselor and she very wisely told me that women need to feel emotional before they feel sexual with anyone - and men, in many respects, need to feel accepted sexually before they are emotional or vulnerable. As she put it, God probably made it that way as a system of checks and balances so we don't "f*ck each other to death"....her words not mine (I love my counselor!). So that really helped me start getting over my ego hang-ups with the lack of physical touch. I understand that she needs to feel emotionally secure...safe...before that opens back up for us. And, as she said last night via text, everything seems surreal about the changes that I have made over the years....like they are almost too hard to believe and trust. However, a wise woman once told me:
Time + Consistency = Change she can believe in.
I just didn't know that it would require THAT much time. IF you are in the heat of your situation and reading this, bring a dose of patience.
With regard to S, he is loving this all. A few weeks back we sat on the couch watch old videos of him on my MacBook that neither of us had seen for years. He sandwiched himself between us, used his tiny arms to pull us both closer an said - "get closer! like we're a family!" -- it really touched my heart. X said "we are a family". I did not ask for details. He said similar things while we were at Disney, too.
So....I need to get running. I have my open water dive exam tomorrow and I have been cloistered away studying for the last few days. Thoughts? 25? Anyone? I would love your feedback.
