Just some thoughts I've been considering this morning from the grief from abandonment workbook.
If I was attacked by a grizzly bear, chances are...especially the first time I go for a hike after the attack...I'm going to be hypervigilant and a bit obsessed about grizzly bears. If I happen to see a grizzly bear or something that reminds me of the attack/bear...chances are that I will have an increased heartbeat and some feelings of panic.
That increased heartbeat and feeling of panic could be...in the case of Smokey...be misconstrued and I could be confused thinking that this response by my body indicates that I still have feelings for Smokey.
Smokey hurt me deeply over a long period of time...
Fear incubates over time and builds as your mind tries to avoid any future danger. Hence, what may be a freak occurance where you wandered into the path of a rogue bear...could cause enormous fear in the future.
I have a good friend who witnessed the attack of her sister by a dog. She is 45 and has terrible panic attacks anytime a dog comes near her...even a small dog.
The feelings you get when you are in love and the feelings you get when you are in danger are sometimes very similar...increased heartbeat...feeling of being vulnerable...open to attack...threat of being hurt...but adrenalin surging.
Interesting.
And, when we are hurt deeply, it's easy to put the attacker on a pedestal in order to make sense of the pain.
Smokey is just a really troubled guy. He has some great qualities that attracted me to him...but, his worst quality, in my opinion, is that he was a chameleon. I'm not a chameleon.
Smokey changed who he was, depending on who surrounded him. He was very, very uncomfortable around financially successful people like my dad. He felt much more at home with people who were less than successful and had problems.
I'm not like that. Financially people can make me a bit uncomfortable...but, at the end of the day...I don't change who I am to accommodate others. I am the same person every single day because...I know, in my heart, who I am. Smokey doesn't. He's very broken in that respect. I've always been much stronger in that area...and much kinder and more loyal.
Smokey changes with the wind. Always has. He is defined but what other people say, believe, suggest, think...especially his parents and that's really sad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
