i'm thinking over what bea said about people measuring happiness or "self" by amount of friends. i don't do that, btw. i've always been (surprise, surprise) a kind of "loner" sort of person (in a house FULL of people) that had friends, but liked a good deal of alone time and really, at the end of the day, keep my own counsel & don't need the approval of others. you know, for some reason, even in highschool I could wear something kind of out there and buck the fashion trend. maybe because i had red hair which was not a cool thing at at all- i was already "different" in a major way- and somehow got to embrace it rather than feel left out be cause of it? idk-
i just don't like the thought that nobody cares if i come home at nite- no one is there to even miss me if i get abducted by aliens.
it sounds so small and cheesy- but there you are. me - pretty humble needs in life- i don't need a yacht and devoted slave- i'd like to share my existence with someone that i matter to, and matters to me.
it seems so small a request - and soooo large a thing.
So here i am in fl. h is saying he's ready to do some repairs and rennovation around th4e house and yard. i could faint- we've lived here 38 yrs and it's still same mostly as when we walked in the door.
i can't figure out what the heck all of a sudden, unless it's allll tht $$ he inherited. my ratty side says he's doing it to impress whoever it ishe drags over here when i'm away. yes, i know he does. i hate it, what else is new huh?
he asks me opinions and about it and is including me- i don't know about that either. i am suspicious now of everyting. i'm cool and do n't comment on that out loud- just think it inside.
it's a terrible thing they do to our trust and heart & brain, isn't it???
inever was a suspicious person. even nice things i see as very suspicious.
oh well- now i don't remember why im here. just checkin in i guess-
i honestly think rite now i just say the same old junk over and over like a broken record. i have to quit it- i'm boring even myself here. i think why would i even want to "talk" about it all- last four or five years of misery. it's all crappola now and wanter under the bridge.
it matters & i'm changed a bit- but why relive it at all. i am suspicious and don't think the best of h anymore. don't know where it will land, don't even know where he's heading - if anywhere. or me for that matter.
being away from nj is feeling very good- turn off brain to all tht junk- estate- hard feelings, etc.
letting go of alot of baggage i think(hope) -
it's sure all done and over and un-re-doable so now, why even give it air time?
me "detaching" - i hope a bit (more). slow boat to china here-
