Upside Down You Turn Me

[Meredith]

I usually hate too many quotes in one post, but I think it will be easier here...sorry!!!

I DO think that I am worth it, I just think that H should ACT like I am!!!

Do you act like you are? What can you, Karen, do to make yourself feel good? What if there was a written rule that you received today that said you are responsible for your own happiness for a month. What would you fill that month with?

We talked about romance before we got married. I pretty much felt that if he didn't want to be romantic/KLA, make effort for the R, etc., then he wasn't the guy for me. He said he wanted to be more expressive/emotional, etc.

So...is this a deal breaker?

I think that I take it personally b/c IT IS personal. He consistently does these things-stays out late, plays pool, gets spiffed up, helps decide where to eat, etc. with his friends, but NOT with me.

Right, I know first hand the frustration. But what is happening now isn’t working for you. SO…what can you do that will grab his attention and show him that you like to do these things also? Can you ask to go with them? Call spontaneously and tell him to meet you somewhere fun? Ask to go out after the BLT?

And, I think that if he were to ever say that he is disappointed about something, that I would validate his feelings and offer to help remedy the sit. Prob. is that I feel like he NEVER validates my feelings. I just want to be heard.

Ah, but you have the resources under your belt that explain the importance of validation. He does not. They have to learn by experience. Catch him doing something right and thank him profusely for that. Maybe he’ll get it.

I believe that this is true, but I've got this frickin' rope held so tightly in my hands. I don't know how to let go.

What are you afraid of?

I just feel like telling him that if I am not worth the effort, or if he doesnt' know if he wants to be with me or not, then to NOT. Why string me along? I feel like I am being taken for granted. I feel like he slapped me across the face yesterday.

Uh oh…crazymaking…

"I want to spend time with you, but only 2 hours..." It just feels so conditional to me - his "if you get better...if you would only..." I feel like it is ALL on me, and I don't think that he is perfect and wish he would just admit it sometime and say, "gee, ya know what? I am being non-communicative, let me come up with a straight answer." Or "gee, ya know what, I really do want you, how can I help you believe that?" "Oh, you want romance? What can we do that would be fun to you?" And, I have spelled these things out to him. We have talked about it, we played a game that talked about it, and once he even asked ME for feedback on how to be more sexy...Does he do it? NO! Why not?

Question: if someone had asked HIM about his feelings on this, do you think he would say “oh yeah, I just did that to piss her off?” What would HE say is the issue here?

Because HE doesn't want to be controlled? b/c he doesn't think I deserve it? b/c he doesn't think I am worth it? b/c he doesnt' want to expend any energy besides just sitting and drinking a beer? Yes, he is present physically, but emotionally?

Because he’s not sure that there is a problem or how to fix it?

I am just letting you guys know how I think & feel so I can get support and help to change it. If I am totally twisted and off-base, ok, I need to know. I need to know what to replace these thougts with...

Duh! You’re supposed to clue us in on your thoughts and feelings! And in turn, we are supposed to support you and help you find better solutions!

I think if you are looking to replace thoughts…stop playing the victim role. Start taking an active stance here…and see where it can take you. I might be off base since I’ve only read these last few posts…but in my sitch, I loose more when I spend time on the victimization of myself…negative thoughts…etc.