First post, DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!

[LoisB]

It is when fragile coping strategies break down, and they become their shadow.

I really believe this ^^^^^^^^

There appear to me to be two groups of MLC marriage. One where the MLC person was amazing and the marriage was very happy, and the other in which the lbs realises that there were always problems (usually drink, drugs or affairs, but sometimes simply difficult behaviour). However ALL of them, I believe, even niceness are coping strategies for deeper problems which they mask until an event triggers the coping strategy breakdown. This breakdown can be more or less gradual. In my case I waatched my husband disintegrate (although I didn't know it at teh time) over a three months period prior to the bomb.

And this ^^^^^^^^

My husband was in the second category...his substance abuse and anger was always an issue in our marriage...but, he had these moments of clarity throughout where he accepted responsibility and tried to make things work.

Still, I remember feeling that he was always Giving 300% to just get to his job and get through the day. I tried to reach out and help him see that I would support him in getting help for his depression, anger, addiction...he was adamant and, I see now, that he NEEDED to move through this journey.

One thing HIS journey has done for me...it's validated suspicions I always had about his parents...that they were very abusive and distant and emotionally unavailable. Almost immediately after Smokey moved out of our home and it was revealed there was another woman, my inlaws broke off all contact with our two daughters. They have remained unavailable throughout the crisis...with a few moments of mediocre support. Most recently, they acted--my MIL--especially--have exhibited their own MLC behaviors. They sent my D20 a terrible, guilting B'day card blaming her for not seeing them or her cousins...bear in mind, they haven't made an effort to see our girls.

Anyway, my point is...my H came from a really broken, unhealthy situation and he's running/facing it now. He never learned how to cope in this world...I see now he was always a FAKE in terms of showing the world a front instead of believing in/loving his true self. He felt he had to BE something he wasn't. It's all very sad.

When things got very rough for us with a daughter with special needs and financial difficulties...he ran hard. All that past hurt hit him like a wall of pain.

I believe that. It's not you Shining. It really isn't. Try and make that your mantra.

You will be ok. :-)