Quote: Ok, here's the deal. I'm supposed to act as if this doesn't bother me??? If he were going out w/his friends, he would have taken a nap during the day (he didn't do anything all day), shaved, ironed some nice clothes, put on cologne, gel his hair, put on nice shoes, and go out until 12 - 2 in the am. Am I not worth it???
He just denied the other day that he puts more effort into going out with his friends. This happens all the time. He's too tired, sore, crabby with me. He doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't want to be romantic. So, I know his response would be, "I would put more effort into our R if you didn't get upset all the time."
I think that I am doing much better and making a sincere effort to change! Sorry, I get disappointed!!
My 2 cents...yah, you are doing better...seems like there are longer periods of time between when you get upset (disappointed) with h...but you're still personalizing his actions (you're judging YOUR worth on how much effort he puts into getting ready to go out with you?), still expressing that you're disappointed (which I'm sure sounds like "I'm disappointed in YOU" -- even if that's not what you meant). You KNOW (and stated) what h's response would be to you, Karen...you KNOW that you need to drop the rope and relax and stop acting like what he does just plain isn't good enough.
How would YOU feel if he had been the one lying in bed staring at the ceiling and his response to a query was "well, karen, I'm just a little disappointed in XYZ"?
What if, next time you go out, no matter how much effort he did or didn't put into getting ready, no matter how early he wanted to end the evening, you just said at the end of it "I had a really lovely time with you tonight, h. I cannot wait to do it again."
Quote: SAME OLD SAME OLD!!! WTF do I do? I feel like telling him to do whatever he needs to do to get over this grudge he has against me. I feel like he is being passive aggressive. There have been other instances where he agrees to go out and then doesn't talk! or something...
Was the "same old, same old" referring to HIM, Karen or to YOU???? And...said as gently as I can...there's more than one grudge being held in this m, no????
You asked me the other day (paraphrasing) what turned things around for me...being grateful for every "gift" that h gave me...his time (even if I wanted more), his words (ditto), his gift of self. As soon as I started wondering why he wasn't giving me more...and I mean REALLY STOPPED WONDERING...I found myself overwhelmed with his generosity.
I suspect if you start making your h feel as though he is good enough in his actions towards you, Karen, he'll surprise you with how much more he can give. I also suspect if you keep making him feel as though nothing he does is enough...well, he'll pull back more.
Sorry if this is too blunt. I see so much good stuff in your sitch.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
