lost and desperate

[25yearsmlc]

Once again, 25, thank you.

I am really looking at my resistance habits. Why is it more comfortable to me than the change itself?

well, speaking for myself, I wanted to be "right" a lot. It seemed important to me back then, and subconsciously maybe even more imporatn than being happy, though I never thought of it that way. Maybe I equated the two...

but I learned that what I had done, even when I thought "it's RIGHT" and "don't reward his bad behavior" (by being kind and warm and loving when he comes home, after "selfishly" volunteering for an extra case),

it took getting HERE, to realize that my approach had been consistently FAILING for years...so how smart was I??

I mean, "right or wrong" --- if what you do isn't helping, then you are "wrong" for continuing in a fruitless manner!

And you know, in the end, for the most part I was wrong a lot more in the first place, than I realized...for a long time. So I relate to where you are. And encourage you to keep on your path.


I'm dedicated to change and actually enjoy the process of self examination and discovery though it feels difficult to get into the grove and to see through the muddy waters. I need more clarity. I'm looking into meditating nightly so I can perhaps clear away the mud and look at myself more clearly.


That^^ is precisely why I suggested the workshop "EE". It gave me clarity and helps me live my life with intention. (More on that later)


Secondarily, the old me would definitely have "poked the bear" with punitive requirements and attempt to teach him a lesson but that doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not doing that anymore.


WHAT GOOD NEWS!! Isn't it a tad embarrassing to realize that "teaching him a lesson" is something MANY friends still do and encourage us to do --- and that WE did for so long, as adults? And to our husbands?

Don't go back to that...for anything.

AND, it would never be over our daughter, I wouldn't ever keep him from her or her from him. One of the things I'm working on is showing him that I trust him without question with regard to decisions he has to make about her without me present.

Glad you see & Undertand the importance of this^^^^. Unless you TRULY fear for her life, say nothing to him about how to raise her. I mean it. And btw, saying "a jelly bean gives her a tummy ache" is NOT fearing for her life...so don't even go there.

I once handed over our infant son to h when s was VERY fussy & VERY cranky, and I had to study for the bar exam. H was in medical school (yes, our son was "premature" by a few years...)

As I went upstairs, the baby suddenly STOPPED fussing - and I was scared that h had snapped or something (no he never had but the baby was new and we were new parents and who knows what I was thinking???) So I came storming down the stairs to intervene.

When I rounded the corner I saw h twirling the seat our son was in, with his foot, while reading his textbook.

Son was laughing and cooing and LOVING it!! For sure, it's not something I, as his mom, would ever have done. And so what??

On a related note, I wanted to intercede when h was trying to soothe our colicky infant son, b/c it was taking too long (in MY head).

H didn't yet know about "rocking" son, versus "swaying" or bouncing with him, etc but the words of my older sister came to me then, thank God,

and they were "the father has to get to know his child without you around or he'll never learn to soothe or comfort the baby in his way, b/c YOU will do that or he'll have to do it your way - instead of discovering his own" and she was right.

H learned how-- within a few minutes of me STFU and backing off.


Lesson learned but keep reminding yourself that if it is not TRULY and LITERALLY Life threatening, there is NO NEED for you to intervene.

Seriously, your Intervening has not helped your d the way you once thought, b/c you are in the midst of a possible divorce about how you speak to your h---- so, backing off is what is best for HER, (and you, and him)...



There are thousands of ways for me to show that but I have zero intention of teaching him a lesson by withholding his daughter from him. Not cool and doesn't help anyone. Not even on my radar. He's a great father, when I give him a freaking chance to be one. It's good practice for me to get out of the way.

Good insights.^^^


When I was asking about being more firm regarding the separation I meant more small things like he's looking for a belt or needs toilet paper and somehow I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make it available to him.


are you SURE you are expected to "bend over backwards" for him, or is that how YOU are interpreting his searches? Don't mind read negatively.

ASK him what he wants or needs from you at those times...and do it "sedately", if you KWIM.


Otherwise I fully intend to be reasonable, grounded, understanding and cooperative in every way possible simply because we both deserve that.

Your suspicion about my tone, 25, is accurate as far as how it USED to be. I was often shrill and shrewy and I have 180'd that with great results. Frankly, I was getting sick of hearing my own voice like that. I do not raise my voice, I speak calmly and positively, with ZERO inflection of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, annoyance. I know this will just take constant practice for it to become habit. I am also phrasing things MUCH better, taking time to practice in my head so there is no accusation or misinterpretation of accusation. It's going over quite well.

Excellent.


I made ONE mistake yesterday when H said it was SIL's birthday I noticed he popped open Facebook to send her wishes. I said, "She'd probably appreciate at least a text rather than a public FB message" and the second it came out of my mouth I regretted it. So, I apologized, immediately said how he wishes to extend his birthday wishes to his SIL is completely up to him and I will commence shutting up now. He laughed and I left the room to think about how quickly those words came out without a filter that I'm so carefully trying to create right now.

I'm glad he laughed! Good for both of you. I Hope you will laugh at yourself in a healthy way (= don't take yourself too seriously and SHOW him the new HAPPIER you!!)

Oh, and SIDE NOTE: I would think the SIL would PREFER the public notice of her birthday, as opposed to a private message hiding it from others...

I only say this to point out how WE both assume we are "Right---about the original thing" ---but there is room for disagreement, so we need to back off that much more...b/c thinking we are "right about IT", and realizing we really aren't so right so often,
means we're even goofier for stubbornly clinging to our stance!!


I concluded that I need to STOP and breathe before I say ANYTHING. I need to be more mindful and ask myself if I am improving on the silence. Lesson learned but I think ONE mistake in almost 2 weeks is pretty good. I'm proud that I recognized it immediately and owned it immediately. More practice is needed on this though. Much more.


SO Well done!!. And he seems to have noticed ---which will confuse him and he will DOUBT your changes will last b/c he FEARS they won't last. That's what all WAS's fear...

That he will be hurt again by you. So again, give this TIME...and then a whole lot more and on, do NOT point out your changes. Then they'll look like "tactics" meant just to get him back and not true genuine changes you chose to make b/c you want to become a woman only a fool would leave......

I have checked out Essential Experience workshop in PA but the website is very vague. Can you be more specific on what I could pick up there?
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Sure. (AND You can call them & ask, too)

To me It's clarifying and gets you to dig VERY deep. It's "experiential" --which means not a lot of lectures. So you are in exercises designed to help you discover your issues and obstacles, and then how to manage or work thru them.

For ME, that's key, b/c as a lawyer, I can "edit" or "rehearse" my answers without even knowing I"m doing it. So this helped me see my real self in a safe supportive environment. (No one forces you to disclose either, btw).

And no, there are no "cult" aspects. I live in southern California and know exactly what you mean by that, so I promise you, no worshiping of a 'guru" goes on. And though I found it spiritual, it's not religious.

PowerOfNow, StubbornDyke, AutumnLeaves, LuckyLuke, and some other DBers have also gone so you can ask them if you like. -- I think PowerofMow went last Feb, and Luke went in the summer (?) so check their posts then if you can, or contact them. --

Also the people there can house you if you prefer, (and if you add up the hours of help you get,-->50+, it's actually quite a bargain ---. ) so that lowers costs too.

Maybe we can meet on the alternate universe and touch base about it there...(fb)


Living in CA it's quite a ways to travel and since I know very little about it, I'd like to know more before considering it. I'm all for learning more about myself and am open to various ways of doing so but I'm pretty sure H would tell me I'm becoming cultish if I fly across the country for something I know little about. You know?

I hear you, but so you know, I did it years ago and have gone back since then to do "team" and help other participants. I even flew back in there, from Alaska, to help. And my bf's went from there too, so obviously I think it's worth it.

I'm still impressed that she went based solely on my suggesting it, which is no small amount of trust.

When I got home from doing it the first time, h picked me up at the airport & he later told me he "SAW the difference" in me.

A few months later, HE chose to go himself and that is a small miracle I never expected. He told me when he returned home, that it was "the best gift [he] ever received"...

A year later, we went together as team helpers and it was like a free refresher course (which also adds to the value, btw) and man, we thought our marriage was good before...once we did EE together, we hit a new deeper level than I had thought was possible.



Also, 25, could you recommend any books you think would be helpful for me? I never, ever want to go back to the person I was a month ago and I'm liking the changes I'm making. I can always use more enlightenment in this area, though. Always.

Have you finished reading Div Remedy and or Div Busting? IF so, also read the Five Love Languages. It's not a hard read but it's a good reminder NOT to toss away love b/c it's not wrapped the way we wanted it to be wrapped. Marianne Willliamson writes too new agey for some, but I like her writings about forgiveness, a lot. Same with anger and our learning to handle it. And "The Gift of Change" was good too. '

I will ponder that some more, but meanwhile...

--- watch those videos on TED Talks, by Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. One is on "Faking it til you Become it' (Amy's) and "Positive Psychology" by Shawn. They are entertaining in their explanations but they have great DATA too, that supports their thesis, so listen up and think about it. Their videos are about 20 min each and you'll get a lot out of them and maybe their books as well.



On a separate note, I need to talk to H about something very serious to me and I want to get opinions to ensure that it's not accusatory, implying I don't trust him, or condescending in ANY way.

I will get back to this (below) later on b/c I am going out the door atm.

Hang in there.

Brief backstory: He offered to take D to camp this morning. I'm 99% sure he took his own car which, at the moment does not have a car seat. If he drove our daughter to camp without a car seat I'm very upset. She's not even close to being at a height or weight to being permitted to sit in just the back seat for even the short drive to school. Chances are good he probably thought, "oh, just this one time, real quick, no biggie" but it's a big deal to me. Here's my plan:

First I want to give him the 1% benefit of the doubt and ask if he maybe took MY car to drop her off in which case, nothing else needs to be said because she would have been in a car seat. If he says No, then here's what I want to say:

I noticed the car seat from your car is still in the garage. Did D not sit in a car seat on the way to camp this morning?

If he says, no she didn't, I was in a rush, blah, blah, blah... I will say,

Oh, I see. I understand being in a rush and feeling frantic when dropping d off in the morning. It is really important to me that she be safe in the car at all times so is there anything I can do to make sure the car seat gets installed into your car again?

How's that? Thoughts??