Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Journaling: today was pretty good, all things considered. I slept in, went for a bike ride, and spent much of the afternoon cleaning, doing laundry, and decluttering. The apartment is looking better and better. I'm doing this primarily for me - I've decided I deserve a tidier place to live - but I'll also admit that a small part of me hopes that H. notices how clean things are and how nicely I've kept things while he's been away.

Speaking of which, H. is back tomorrow. I'm nervous. After two weeks of almost no contact, I have no idea what he'll be like, and his return has me anxious.

I've also been a bit stuck on the idea that while he's been away he's been calling or sending photos to his online friend. I asked him not to do this way back when this first came out, but he has a temporary number and is away from me and could do anything without me knowing. Honestly, the possibility has been bothering me off and on. I'm trying not to think about it, but that doesn't always work so well.

I could also use some advice on two things. First, H. will be back sometime within a two hour period tomorrow. I'm not sure what I should be doing. I feel weird when he comes in and I'm sitting on the couch, like I'm waiting here for him - I don't like giving that impression. So, I'm wondering if I should be out when he gets in or be here and doing something around the apartment singing and dancing to music.

This seems kind of weird to note, but I've felt like we've been in some kind of game of chicken to see who's here when the other person gets in. I have no proof of this, but it's seemed like he's gone out just before he knows I'm coming home so I come home to an empty apartment and then he comes home to me afterwards. This might be totally crazy and another example of me trying to mind read, but if I go out that leaves him the opportunity to drop his stuff and go out for a long walk alone (although I suppose he could just as easily drop his stuff and tell me he's going out if I'm here.)

Second, the birthday cake question. H. was away for his birthday and I'm considering making him a cake. I know this seems like pursuing, but here's the thing - I didn't make him one last year, and when this all came out in February, he said he was upset about that (despite never liking any kind of fuss made about his birthday). He could get mad that I made one (because he had to ask for it), but he could also get mad if I don't make one (because I let him down again), but making one seems like the right thing to do, and I'm trying to base my damned if I do and damned if I don't decisions on what my moral compass says. Additional opinions would be appreciated, though.