Dealing with WAW Part 3

[pilot]

Hey oad,

Things are definitely interesting here on my end. I just got back from my W's place and looking at schools there. There was no hugging when I landed. We went and had lunch with the kids first, then went to look at a couple of schools. Relatively uneventful. Later in the evening, she and I went and had dinner and drinks by ourselves (her parents were watching the kids). It was a good time, and we talked and laughed about this and that. Stopped off at the store on the way home because she wanted to sit on the swing with me back at her parents house and have a few more beers. On the ride home though, she asked what my thoughts were on the kids and where they should go to school. Since we were still at odds, that conversation did not go the way she wanted. I knew it wouldnt. But I tried my best to be as delicate as I could, validate her reasonings, empathize with her fears of not being with the kids 100% of the time, and give my opinion on the school issue. She basically went quiet. She began texting someone on her phone, and basically kept at it until we got back to her place...about 20 minutes later. When we got back there, I grabbed a beer, and was walking to the back door to go sit on the swing. She was texting someone and said she would be out there soon. 5 minutes later, she came out. We basically sat and said nothing for an hour. I kept a running commentary on the poor lonely firefly which was flying around a tree in front of us looking for another firefly. Had to break the silence every 10 minutes with something...

I had made a hotel reservation for that night, but somehow she and her dad had convinced me to cancel it and stay at her place. I really should have kept it. The couch was not what I was looking for! She did offer to let me stay in her bed (it was unclear if that meant WITH her, or in the bed and her on the couch.) I said I did not want to 'kick her out of her own room' so I took the couch. Next morning, the same thing with her texting someone. This was one of the things that really annoyed me during the last few months we lived together. Where we would be sitting on the couch together and she was off in cyberland on her phone. I did not say anything or make any mention of it to her though.

I had a relatively open ended trip planned. I got there on Tuesday, but did not need to be back at my place until Friday. She had asked me before I got there how long I had planned on staying, and I said I was probably going to stay one night. She wanted to know so she could plan her work schedule and days off. Anyways, I had to live with playing second to her iphone in our old place, but was not going to do it there (boundaries) so when she asked me if I was still going to play poker with her dad today, I said I figured I would fly out later in the morning and take the kids back to my place. I dunno if it meant anything, but she quit texting after that. I got my stuff ready, and put it by the front door. She 'asked' if it was ok for her to get a shower first. I said of course. So I was laying in the lazyboy relaxing, and she came out and was standing next to the chair kinda looking at me. So I patted the side of the chair, and she hopped in and cuddled up, laying her head on my chest, and within minutes was asleep. How I envy those who can sleep so easy!!! Anyways, that lasted about an hour with her drifting in and out of sleep. She did get up at one point to get S3 some chocolate milk, but came back and recuddled up. At this point, her parents were going to be able to come by the house around lunch time, so I said I would wait till they got there to say goodbye to the kids. She was happy about that. I really forget how it happened, or what prompted, but I said if she was able to get off work tonight, I would take her on a date. She said she was supposed to work tonight. I said ok, and left it at that. She walked off to her room, and shut the door. Kinda weird I thought. Anyways, about 5 minutes later she came out and said she had called the few people who could fill in for her tonight, and none would be able to. I didnt say anything other than something like 'ok'.

After her parents came and said goodbye, she drove me and the kiddos to the airport. I loaded the plane and put the kids in. She came over and hugged me and said she would see about getting time off early next week and coming down to my place. I said to let me know. I dont really know why she would be coming down as there are several possible reasons, only picking the kids up is not one as it would be during my time with them. So who knows...

And that is pretty much where I am right now. She did say something about her having to go the the Dr. sometime soon, and I asked her if she had gotten new health insurance yet (since we moved to a new state). She said no. After I got home, I called and had her put on my health insurance plan, and sent her a text letting her know. She said 'ok thank you'.

I will have to go catch up on your sitch as I have been absent from here the past several days. Hope you are doing well oad!

[pilot]

A side note if you remember how I complimented her 'pig tails' hairstyle from last week. Well she wore pig tails when we went to have dinner. Probably unrelated but only the 4th or 5th time I think I've ever seen her wear her hair like that. Her mom and dad kept commenting in front of her how great I was looking. Hah. At least it's noticed

[labug]

My suggestion is, do a search and read Mach1's posts. Doesn't matter what board or to whom, just take a day or 2 and focus on that.

Thanks. I actually have taken a couple of hours so far and read some of Mach1's posts. It was actually YOUR thread I have been studying, from your start on here and Mach1 posted to you a few times. No hint that Mach1's advice would cause you or anyone to feel defensive. I am now at around 5-12 of your journey.

Anytime anyone pointed something out as I said earlier, I went into protect my ego mode by explaining and challenging. (I'll show them how smart I am was the underlying motive)

I think most people are that way.

I must have missed something then on your journey. I have YET to find where someone on your threads that responded to you pointed anything out with a STFU and listen attitude. Matter of fact, very little was pointed out to you without them validating your thoughts and feelings.

As far as I have read, every person responding on your threads were kind, considerate, encouraging and actually extremely validating to you. I would encourage you to go back and see the difference in how you were treated and what I see on this thread. Since I haven't finished your entire thread, maybe I haven't yet come to the 2x4 section.

I did see that when one of your ex friends tried to point something out to you and you told her that you just needed a break from people who wanted to tell you what to do about your R.

The next exchange you said went like this...

She was clearly angry with me and said "but you kept bringing it to me" Yes, I shared with her but was not looking for legal advice, just support.

This is exactly my point about Pilot. It doesn't work very well to give the impression to another poster that they need to STFU and listen without validating their concerns, thoughts feelings and fears. Doesn't matter if it is me, Pilot, you or your husband. If you aren't validating the men on this site's feelings, then I think it is safe to say that you aren't doing it with your own spouse, isn't it? Or are you saying to me it only applies to a person's spouse when trying to bust a divorce? Or does one stop learning when they start giving advice instead of receiving?

Food for thought. I hope you don't get defensive and I mean that. I am also just trying to point some things out and share my thoughts and views.

Wow, you're reading my whole thread? I've done a lot of growth in the last 3 years or so. If you want to call me out on things I've said in the past, I just ask that you do it in full context.

I appreciate your critique of my style. You're absolutely right, sometime we don't know how we come off to others. It's helpful to have mirrors. You're in my path for a reason.

I don't want to engage in more crosstalk on pilot's thread and I'm sure pilot can fend for himself if need be, so I'll end this here.

I do have a thread, so if you have more to share, please, feel free to do it there.

I think it would also be helpful if you shared your story. You now know a lot about me. I know nothing about you.

[pilot]

So here is where I am now. I spoke to my W today. She had sent me a text saying she wanted to talk. She called a little later, and we talked about the kids and school. She said she was willing to move to where I am, and let my kids go to school here. But she would want me to help (pay for) a house for her to live in, and get her a new car. As well as keep up with her current bills. She would look for a new job here, but doubtful she would get one to cover all the expenses. I said nothing really just listened. She wanted me to call her later today and let her know what I thought.

I gave it some thought, and sent a text saying we needed to talk about our marriage/divorce. She replied ok, and she had thought we were going to do that while I was up at her place last week. I told her we sat on her swing and stared at a firefly all night. She said I know. I then said i wondered how that firefly was doing. At any rate, I told her we needed to talk in person about all we had been discussing, as they are all interrelated.

I told her I would be willing to drive the kids up to her place in the morning. She said she will see if she can come down here tomorrow. I said either way.

Should make for an interesting day tomorrow...

[Wet]

Pilot, good luck. I hope it goes well.

[BigMac]

Pilot, my fingers are crossed for you. Looking forward to the update.

[LisaB]

Wow pilot, just got caught up on your current story. It sounds like the trip to her place went ok, and she was open to you. I totally get what you are saying about being on the phone texting or checking email or whatever all the time. It can get so disruptive and annoying. I do it too but I try to be aware of it.

I hope tomorrow goes well and I'm sure I don't need to give you any advice!

Hugs, LisaB

[CaliGuy]

Lurking and reading ... hope things turn out well for you.

[pilot]

She is coming here. Asked if she was staying at my place and she said she was not sure.

[Sam3]

Hoping all turns out well Pilot. Would paying for house & a new car be something you would provide regardless of a divorce? Let us know how things go.