Hi, I had my phone consult w/Joann. It was v. inspiring. I couldn't write fast enough! Some is repeats of what she had said before and what others here have told me. So, I think it is time to listen.
I shall summarize in the hopes that someone else will get something out of it:
Happy people think differently about sit's and what people say than unhappy people. Must turn - thinking into + thinking, and if it is too hard to make it +, then make it a little better. What I focus on will increase. ie. if I'm looking for ways that h doesn't care about me, then I will find them. If I look for + and emphasize them, the happiness and + sit. will increase. Change the way I look at things. Read "Feeling Good" by Burns to id. cognitive distortions and work on some homeworky stuff every day. Focus on EVERY small sign that things are going in the right direction.
Argue with myself to change thinking patterns, challenge myself, GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY!
Do not JUDGE what h says. What it means to him & what it means to me may be 2 diff. things. Challenge thinking. If I am feeling bad about something, I am having distorted thoughts. I'm damaging my SELF by thinking - things.
Best way to get someone to change is by + enforcement. If h is modest and does something I appreciate, say so, but don't go overboard. He may get scared and back off. (esp. if he is modest.)
For me: quit asking h questions. It's not working. The more I ask, the less he will answer. Think of his "I don't cares" as him being easy-going and be happy about that! I will start saying what I want and he objects, he can object. I will just make din. w/o asking him what he wants. (I have already been doing this). Say, "I'm going here. Would you like to go? If not, be FINE w/it, do not act upset or pissy and say happily, "ok, I'll see ya later!"
If I change for a while and then backslide, he will think that I am not changing.
W & M show love differently. Women are more communication/saying oriented whereas men are more action/doing oriented. Look at the ways that HE is showing love in HIS way and learn to appreciate it.
If I really want to get what I want, I need to keep biting my tongue and do something diff. Predict that he might say something that upsets me and plan to think differenty ahead of time. What could make me think more +?
things that help me: Taking charge w/my emo's and life, doing what I want to do even if he doesn't, being more active, not jumping to the worst conclusions (make BETTER conclusions), walk dogs, keep house neat, acting secure in myself, being independent, being more relaxed, being playful and joking w/h. (Don't take him seriously)
Take note of ALL progess, make a gratitude checklist. ie. I changed this thought, any small sign that he is making effort for the r.
Whenever we "need" something, people naturally don't want to give it to us.
I can get him to change by changing myself on a consistent basis! When things are going well, don't let myself get in my own way. What I'm doing/not doing saying/not saying affects him. How so? Id. when he is less moody, when he wants to ML, etc. If having good days, keep doing what works.
Find other things to get self-esteem from other than the r or how he is treating me like work, friends, hobbies, etc.
Alright, I think that is it. I have a plan now. Gonna go read some Feeling Good first. I know Pam - I told ya' so!
