So, he is getting ready to leave for work and I asked very calmly if he wanted to go out with his friends tonight. he asked why, and I basically said that if we weren't going to talk to each other then why spend the eve. together? (but i really said it diplomatically somehow) and i wanted to make it easy for him if he did.
He said that he was curious about what I said to his mom, that I said I couldn't do this anymore and asked if i could summarize in 5 min. Well, no, not really! i just said that i was tired of taking the blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our r, that of the past 4+ years, I find it hard to believe that I have caused 99.999% of the probs. I said that I am totally willing to accept responsibility for what I do wrong, that yes, I know I still f up a lot, but that I am doing much better, the time is farther apart. (used to be every 2-3 days, now it's every 1-3 weeks) and that the arguments aren't nearly what they used to be-several hours into the night, screaming, him walking out of the house, me chasing him in the driveway, etc. He said that that is b/c HE decided that he just wasn't going to get into it w/me that much. I said, "ok, so we have BOTH done better." (I did preface this with I want our M to work and I love you and I think you are a great, wonderful man.)
I told him that I dont' feel like a team b/c of this my money your money, my probs, your probs, my dogs, your puter, etc. He asked how he could be a team if I was not part of the team, that I ruin things. I said, ok, i DO understand, but I am still WORKING on it. He started his, "well you know things go better if you are more on track, and you know i try more when you are doing better..." He asked why he should try, he did for a long time and it didn't work. I said things are much diff. now and that that was like 2 years ago that he decided to "quit trying" and that m is a life-long process, you don't just quit.
but, i also said that i understand about him needing to defend himself, but that just b/c i cry it DOES NOT mean that I am going to attack him. I said, I HAVE depression, I HAVE to take meds, it runs in the fam., but i DO know that a lot of my issues are environmental too. I acknowledged that my approach stinks a lot of the time and that I have poor control over my emo's, but i am working on it. Sorry if it isn't good enough for you.
I also said that I have my frustrations too, and that even though he has acknowledged that he is "difficult" a long time ago, he doesn't say I'm sorry for being non-communicative, or grumpy at the time. He doesn't address it. (Per previous convo. I just need to "deal" with his 'tude b/c this is what I have created and I need to fix it and he will treat me better on his time). I said it is v. difficult to deal w/him sometimes when he can't even give me a y or n answer to a simple q. Do you want to eat out or for me to cook? what do you want for din? do you want to go here or here? do you want to have sex? , etc. eeeeeeeerrgg! Sometimes I can visualize hitting my head against the wall over and over again!
I also said that I can handle his feelings (he thinks he can't share them w/me), and that how do i know what they are b/c he won't share them? I have no indication of what is going on with him, what he is feeling, and the last i heard he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. (about 8 mos. ago)
WOW! That was a lot said in 5 min, no? ok, so it ended up being 10.
**I am going to approach this q. b/s with him in a diff. way. For example, (like many of you have said before) just say, i'm going here, would you like to go? Or, just make all of the decisions!! "I would like to go to Squirrly Bob's for dinner. I would like to play pool tonight. I would like to go for a walk," etc. instead of this what do you want to do crap and trying to fill in the frickin' blanks for him!!! do you want to do this this or this? apparently, these Q's are extremely difficult for him. And yes, I AM agreeing with whatever he picks in an enthusiastic tone. I would veto no more, and he felt foolish, but I DO NOT anymore and haven't in a LONG time.
I guess to me, some of my errors have been long ago, but to him, they are still v. fresh in his mind. ie me getting jealous at a party or bar. ok, that's been since the beginning of last summer, and we have gone to several parties and bars since then, just not nightclubs.
I really am going to take care of myself. I don't feel indignant. I know it was very risky to do this. I am really excited about climbing again-I mean REALLY excited. I am also looking into getting dog restraints for my truk and plan to spend more time with them.
I am tired of feeling bad all of the time about myself and b/c of the probs. I have caused. I just ain't doin' it anymore!!
He gave me a nice O goodbye-long and hard. i said ily, he said ilyt.
