Hi!

Debi, I now know what you mean about having that talk that you had with h. I did not issue an ultimatum, but I did express some things that I have not really faced up to.

I am v. open-too open w/some people and solicit too many people for advice. But, I just thought that someone would have to have the RIGHT answer. Whenever someone would say something about my h I would get v. defensive and put the blame all back on myself. Reason being, that when others reinforce negatives (or challenges-for a better term) about h, it would just fuel my fire for me to get upset with him again.

For example, one C told me that he has avoidance issues. I brushed it off. Last week a friend said that he does things that others would not let him get away w/ and that he uses my guilt (against me) to make me feel bad/like it is all my fault. Cycler said that it takes two to tango and it is not JUST me that got us here. So, I'd dismiss these things and tell myself, "well, she's D and bitter, so what does she know?" and, "why did i talk to this person? I shouldn't do that." and, "why is this c telling me this? I'm here to work on me." Finally, two friends at work told me that it is NOT all me, that a lot of my emo's are normal (issue being how I deal with them.), and that he needs to learn how to "treat a woman."

Trish said a lot of other things that rang true that I have just been in denial about and/or repressing. ie: how he responds to me is NOT my fault, that if he doesn't see how great I am, do I really want to be with him, that I am being too easy on him and letting him off the hook.

Seeing this old bf made something click too. He was not overly expressive so one day (about 6mos.r) I said, you don't say ily and/or you are not romantic...(i am stating this v. broadly). Do you have those feelings for me? And he said, "no." So we broke up. Nothing ugly-just a let it out kinda thing.

And, I have been praying a lot and doing a bible study w/a book that I have what God is to women.

Getting it out on paper helped too. (obviously to be editted if ever shared.)

So, last night h got home late-didn't call me, I didn't call him. W! was my 'tude. I stayed in my room, he didn't greet me like usually he would come find me (not that our house is v. big! ). He washed dishes, folded laundry, etc. (he was on a mission-hey, this is good for something!) I did say hi to him in the kit. but did not x him. I asked if he wanted food and what movie it was that he wanted to watch. He shrugged said he didn't know if he wanted to eat. I asked how bout chix and he said ok. He didn't answer the q. about the movie. Ok, maybe he didn't hear me...i do speak softly. He said he couldn't remember, so ok, i'll pick then!

came home, ate together, started the movie, he gets up, does more laundry, takes a shower, goes to bed w/o saying anything. (usually would x me goodnight and say he was going to read or whatever) Ok, so I am still FINE with this. W! I watch the movie some more, go to bed, he is asleep.

gonna save now since puter boots me sometimes. continued...